Dec 072022

Dear Madam,

This letter is to inform you as to the whereabouts of your green panties with the white trim. They are currently in my possession and will not be returned to you. I apologize for any inconvenience this might bring.

Despite the lucrative opportunities, I will not be selling the panties on the secondary market. Rest assure that I will use these delightfully aromatic panties for my own sexual gratification. When the panties no longer satisfy my needs, I will dispose of them in an environmentally friendly manner.

To compensate you for your loss, I have included in this letter a gift card to Sweet and Spicy, a local boutique that sells fine underwear. They have a wide selection of lovely panties and I am sure you can find something to your liking. I am not affiliated in any way with Sweet and Spicy, but I do like to support local businesses.

Thank you for your time,
The Secret Pervert

Dec 052022

Garth Marenghi, writer, dreamweaver, actor and visionary, finally has a new book out. This masterpiece of horror, TerrorTome, is a novel in three parts. In the first part, super cool horror writer Nick Steen, comes into possession of a cursed typewriter and is subjected to horrible tortures. In the second part, monsters and plots from Nick’s previous novels have escaped out of his imagination and into the real world. In the third and final part, Nick must deal with horrible alter-egos of his own personality, known as the Dark Third.

If you ever watched the tragically short-lived television series, Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, then you have an idea of what to expect. Nick Steen is a cool hero who has little time for the ladies, editors or constructive criticism. In addition to terrible horrific acts, there are the occasional side trips into proper care of a car battery. The trademark Marenghi style is here in full force. Style? Style. Style! Style.

For those of you unfamiliar with Garth Marenghi, well buckle up. Garth is the creation of comedian Mathew Holness. Garth is a terrible egomaniac of a writer who is proud to boast that he has written more books than he has read. With his leather jackets and utter disdain for non-horror writers, I also thought he was more of a parody of a certain kind of horror fan more so than any particular writer. Either way, he is a hilarious creation who’s narcissism is only matched by his awful writing.

Holness brings this combination to TerrorTome and it is truly an impressive feat. Bad writing is easy to do but to sustain it is another thing. Nick Steen is clearly a Mary Sue of Garth Marenghi, and although Nick is technically the narrator, the reader is always aware that this book, and the comedy, is working on two different levels.

One of my favorite bits were the ‘deleted parts’. Garth’s editors insisted on removing two scenes of horror, one sex scene and two words. Garth insisted they be added back to the end of the book. He both warns you against reading it, as well as mocking you if you avoid them.

My only complaint is that a parody of bad writing still reads like bad writing. There were moments when the character’s purposeful misogyny was grinding on my last nerve. Thankfully, the book is divided into three parts of a hundred pages each. I found my tolerance increased when I took small breaks between those parts.

But that is a minor complaint for a truly amazing accomplishment. Holness does the impossible by bring one of Garth’s works to life and it doesn’t disappoint. If you enjoyed the television show, you will love this book. If you have never seen the show, it is not necessary to watch it to enjoy this book, but it might be helpful just to get Garth’s voice in your head. Either way, you need TerrorTome in your collection.

Nov 302022

Explorer’s Log: I have reached the star system designated “The Salivating Smell of the Queen’s Pussy,” by Royal Astronomers. There are nine planets in this system and four of them are gas giants. The fourth world from the sun is the only one that is inhabited. Initial scans have confirmed that this is the home world of the celibate Glister.

It is a strange feeling to be orbiting their world. The Glister despise any sexual activity and murdered the species designated as Dead Fuckers-One just to prevent their promiscuity from infecting them. These are murderers on a genocidal scale and it makes me uneasy being so close to them.

Even more unsettling is that I have a ‘gift’ for the Glister that was designed. It was created by me when I was possessed by a lingering psychic remnant of Dead Fuckers-One. I am unable to determine what the machine does but the remnant worked in genetic engineering. It is probably some sort of plague. The instructions are to let it orbit the Glister’s world.

It is an interesting choice. As a Navy Explorer, my job is to catalog planets for future conquest by the Queen, not to deliver potential weapons of mass destruction. On the other tit, I am supposed to take advantage of situations in order to weaken a planet for potential conquest. I don’t know what this machine does, but it can’t be good for the Glister. I feel it is my duty to the Queen to launch this weapon. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: My explanation for launching the weapon was only partially true. The real reason I am launching the gift is because the Glister are murderous fucks that hate sex and obliterated every trace of a beautiful culture to satisfy their own sick needs. They have earned this.

Vaquel Di sat at the navigation console. The black fabric of her spacesuit stretched across her generous curves. A stern frown caused worry lines to form along her smooth brown skin. Short pink hair crowned her head.

The ‘gift’ was ready to go. It was loaded in the launch tube and should activate on its own. All she had to do was give the command.

Chairbot was unusually quiet beneath Vaquel. The perverted robot wasn’t running any of his vibration programs or scanning Vaquel’s butt. Even the ass-obsessed robot understood the magnitude of what was about to happen.

In front of Vaquel, a dozen monitors displayed scenes from around the planet. The feed came from the Glister’s own network. They had a rather robust surveillance system. She was surprised by how many cameras were dedicated to sleeping quarters. More surprising was where the transmission went. There were large monitors spread across the planet in public spaces. The Glister’s every movement was being watched by the public at large.

White shapes moved across the screens. Every Glister was implanted with multiple holographic projectors at birth. They never saw their own bodies, or the bodies of others. White blocks covered heads, torsos and limbs. Even their own genitals were a mystery to themselves.

“Fucking weirdoes,” Vaquel said out loud. “Activate launch tube three.”

A dark object rocketed away from the probe ship. Scanners tracked its movement. Just as predicted, the device entered a standard orbit around the planet. The ship detected an energy surge but of a type it did not recognize. According to the entity that possessed Vaquel, it would be another eight hours for results.

“Whatever that is,” Vaquel said out loud. She still didn’t know what the damn thing did. Would it incite cancers to grow within the Glister? Or maybe cripple their immune systems to make them vulnerable to their own germs? What if it impaired their senses to give them a taste of helplessness? Vaquel tried to imagine what sick doom a dead species might inflict on the authors of their destruction but Vaquel’s imagination couldn’t think of a scenario worthy of the crime.

“Fuck it,” Vaquel said. “I’m going to get some sleep. I have a feeling that whatever happens, it is going to keep me up for a while. Chairbot, wake me when eight hours have passed.”

“Yes, Mistress,” Chairbot said. He reclined the seat Vaquel was sitting on and extended the leg rests. The head rest molded itself to Vaquel’s head. He dimmed the lights on the probe ship and adjusted the nearest audio speaker to generate a soothing white.

Vaquel quickly fell asleep as the Glister moved closer to their doom.


“Mistress, wake up,” Chairbot said.

Vaquel opened her eyes. Chairbot’s seat and back returned her to a sitting position. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and reached for a hydration flask. As she swallowed fluids, her eyes focused on the monitors in front of her.

Chaos was on every screen. Glisters clawed at their bodies. Plastic clothing was being discarded and thrown from the holographic fields. People were screaming. Others were running their hands over their bodies in a panic.

“What is happening?” Vaquel said. “Are they infected with some painful virus?”

“I am not sure, Mistress,” Chairbot said. “Everyone began to react shortly after the eight-hour period.”

A Glister in an office pulled a piece of clothing away from their crotch. Their hologram-covered hand went to their crotch and the Glister stiffened. The Glister nearly doubled over and threw back their head in a very familiar manner.

“Queen’s tit,” Vaquel said, finally understanding what she was seeing. “They’re touching themselves.”

Another screen centered on two of the Glister. They pressed their crotches into the corners of a triangular table. Together, they humped the table from different corners. The holograms obscured their bodies but their motions were frantic and reeked of desperation.

A third screen showed a gathering of Glisters. They were spread out across a wide series of black marble steps. An ominous tower rose behind them, reeking of authority and judgment. The Glister were on their knees, touching themselves while also screaming at the tower.

The holograms prevented Vaquel from seeing any faces but she could read body language. These people were in a state of despair. Some resisted the urge to touch themselves but not many. They were looking for answers from the tower but the doors stayed close.

“That mad crazy fucker,” Vaquel whispered. She should have known. Dead Fuckers-One were not a violent people. They fucked and they made things to fuck. They responded to genocide with more fucking. Instead of killing the Glister, the remnant had done something to their bodies to make them extremely horny.

The device must have rewritten their genetic codes. Did they increase their hormones? Or maybe it was an enhancement to their erogenous zones. Even a slight increase in genital sensitivity might be enough to drive a prudish species mad. Whatever it was, Glister were going through a forced sexual revolution.

Vaquel couldn’t imagine what that must be like. She felt a twinge of something she didn’t expect to feel for the Glister. It was sympathy.

“Chairbot, plot a course down to the location of this black tower,” Vaquel said.

“Mistress? Are you going down there? It will be dangerous! The Glister have spent their entire lives repressing their feelings for their entire lives. They don’t know how to process the arousal they are feeling!”

“I know,” Vaquel said. “They need a teacher.”

A deca-minute later, the probe ship penetrated the cloud cover to emerge over the mass gathering Vaquel had seen earlier. The crowd had swollen to thousands of Glisters. They all looked at the sky as the phallic probe ship headed for them. The ship’s resemblance to the Glister’s own nuclear missiles caused a panic but strangely, few of them tried to flee.

“Poor assholes would rather get destroyed than have to deal with their tingling crotches,” Vaquel observed.

The probe ship decelerated and moved to a hovering position just a meter above the top of the black marble steps. The large tower loomed behind the ship. The Glister watched in a shocked silence as an airlock opened. Seconds dragged by until Vaquel stepped out and jumped down.

Vaquel was naked except for a belt around her waist that carried her laser pistol. A small wristband held her communicator and but no one was looking at her hand. They were staring at her dark brown skin and the giant tits that jiggled as she jumped down. Knowing their curiosity, Vaquel took a place at the top of the stairs where everyone could see her. Hands on her hips and her legs slightly apart, she gave them a chance to examine her.

The Glister stared at her nude brown body. They struggled to comprehend the dimples on her cheeks, or the sensuous lips that smiled at them. The short pink hair on the top of her head filled some Glister with envy and other Glister with lust.

The rest of her body was equally incomprehensible. They drank in the sight of her heavy breasts topped with dark brown nipples. Whispers broke out about the patch of pink pubic hair that covered her sex. Other Glister stared at Vaquel’s thick thighs and wondered why their stomachs were fluttering.

“Listen up,” Vaquel said in Sim Sun. Her voice was projected by the communicator in her belt so that that everyone could hear. “My name is Vaquel Di and I come from the planet Euphoria. You killed your neighbors with nuclear weapons and mass genocide. Well today, your neighbors decided to give you something back. They gave you sex drives.”

Wails of despair broke out from the Glister. “Take it back!” some shouted.

“Calm down!” Vaquel shouted. “This is a good thing! You are a miserable unhappy species and you don’t have to be. Give me a few minutes, and I can show you how you can be happy for once!”

The wails dimmed to a low murmur. The Glister were listening.

“First lesson!” Vaquel shouted. She reached down and spread her pussy lips. “Your whole body is an erogenous zone but we are going to start with the good shit! This is a pussy. Some of you have one. If you do, then I want you to reach down and touch it. Be gentle with it! If you touch it just right, then you will produce lubrication. This is good! Experiment a little to see what you like best. Everyone is going to react a little different so figure out what works best for you!”

Many of the Glister reached for their crotches. There were scattered groans of disappointment through the crowd but they were soon drowned out by sighs of pleasure. The holograms obscured what they were doing exactly, but Vaquel could tell by the shimmering white blocks that some Glister had made remarkable progress in their journey of self-stimulation.

“Right now, you are using your fingers,” Vaquel said, “but there is a lot you could do with a pussy. You could slide something inside you. You could press something that vibrates to your pussy. Some sentients like to rub another pussy against their pussy. My favorite is to put someone’s mouth against a pussy and have them lick you.”

Shocked gasps echoed through the crowd.

“But I don’t have a pussy!” someone shouted. “I just have this tube thing!”

“That’s okay!” Vaquel shouted back. “That’s called a cock! If you have one, I want you to grab it right now. You still need to be gentle but you’ll figure out how much you can take. It might help if you use a little lubrication like spit. Hold your cock in your hand and slide your hand back and forth.

Hundreds of Glister obeyed Vaquel’s instructions. Loud moans rumbled from the crowd. White holographic blocks wobbled and vibrated.

“Stop!” a voice shouted out from the crowd. A Glister pushed his way to where Vaquel was. “Listen to me! This is wrong! The Code Givers told us to resist our foul urges! We must obey the Codes!”

There was hesitation in the crowd, but not much. Most of the people continued to masturbate. All of them were listening.

“The Code sucks, and not in a good way,” Vaquel said. “We’ll cover that bit later. Billions of sentients obey their sex drives. All of them, well, most of them live happy lives. They fuck and they fucking enjoy it. Grab your cock or pet your pussy and tell me you don’t want to be happy too!”

“She’s right!” someone shouted. “I’m tired to taking eight cold showers a day! I love how my pussy feels right now!”

“I love my cock!” someone else shouted.

“I love my pussy!” a few hundred Glister shouted.

“I love my cock!” a few hundred Glister answered.

“That’s great!” Vaquel shouted. “Good to have a healthy attitude about your genitals! What about you, Code Sucker? What do you have between your legs?”

The Glister stood still for a moment. The damn holograms made it impossible to read their expression. A large white holographic box formed around it’s crotch. “I am equipped with a cock.”

“Good, now everyone watch!” Vaquel said. “I’m going to show you how nice touching someone else is.”

Vaquel. walked closer to the dissident Glister and reached for his arm. The Glister offered no resistance as she pulled his hand to one of her tits. The holographic white block covered his fingers but she used her own hand to palm his grasp to her breast.

“Ohhh!” the groping Glister cried out.

“What is it like?” people shouted from the crowd.

“It is so soft!” the Glister answered. “But there is a hard part, like a little button or protein nugget.”

“That’s my nipple,” Vaquel said. “According to my scans, you all should have two. Some of your chests will be flat while others will have round squishy parts like mine. Check yourself out now. Better yet, check the chest of someone next to you.”

White holograms blended together as people began to touch each other. Shouts of delight came from the assembled mass. Some Glister groped a different Glister in each hand. A few Glister discovered they were blessed with sensitive breasts and were happy to grope themselves.

Vaquel’s Glister was using both hands on her. He sank his fingers into her plain flesh while whispering moans of awe. Fingers roamed her flesh, jiggling, lifting and squeezing her abundant tits.

“Even better than touching flesh is kissing it with your mouth!” Vaquel shouted.

There was confused murmurs from the crowd.

“What is kissing?” the Glister groping Vaquel asked.

“Queen’s tit,” Vaquel said. “It is when you press your mouth to someone, or a part of someone, and you open your lips. You use your tongue to lick, and maybe your teeth to bite flesh.”

There was a scream from deep in the crowd.

“Gently bite!” Vaquel shouted. “Okay, let’s not use our teeth today. That is an advanced lesson. Just use your tongue and lips.”

Glisters pressed closer to together. The damn holograms made it hard to tell what was touching what but Vaquel could tell that most of the Glister were taking turns exploring breasts and chests with their mouths.

That included the Glister holding Vaquel’s tits. He leaned down and the white holographic block around his head encompassed her breast. There was a slight tingle from the hologram touching her skin followed by warm breath on her nipple. A shy tongue gently pressed against her sensitive nub.

“Ohh,” Vaquel moaned. “Okay, now trying licking. Up and down, slowly.”

The Glister obeyed her suggestion perfectly. Perhaps a species that spent a lifetime denying itself made for obedient submissives. The slow licking caused her pussy to clench in jealousy.

“Where were we?” Vaquel said, losing her train of thought. “Oh yeah, you can also kiss each other by touching your mouths together. While your mouths are busy, you can use your hands to explore each other’s bodies. Which come to think of it, is pretty handy considering your damn holograms hide your goods.”

The Glister immediately paired off to try out Vaquel’s suggestion. The holograms covered everyone’s merging faces but the loud sounds of hungry kissing echoed through the crowd. Some ambitious Glister formed into triangles and circles of eager mouths.

Vaquel’s Glister stood to his full height and stepped in front of Vaquel. He leaned timidly forward, his white holographic body looming before her. Vaquel grabbed his face, feeling angled cheeks and high ears. She pulled him for a kiss as the Glister gasped.

He tasted like raw protein powder and sweat but Vaquel kept kissing him. Clearly, personal hygiene needed a lot of improvement on this planet. She opened his lips with her mouth and then searched for his tongue with hers. His timid tongue was stiff at first but when Vaquel gripped his cock with her hand, his mouth melted into hers.

The Glister recovered quickly. A long arm reached around her to cup a buttock. Another hand went to her breast and stayed there. He pulled her to him, kissing harder and harder as a lifetime of repression broke within him.

Vaquel moaned. Fuck taking it slow. She gently but firmly broke the kiss and pushed him back.

“Listen up!” Vaquel shouted, a little breathless. “New lesson! All this touching and kissing is what we call foreplay. Now it is time to get to the really good stuff! One of the best things you can put inside a pussy is a cock! Another good thing to have on your pussy is someone’s mouth! The same goes for cocks in that you can put them in someone’s mouth! There are other combinations but you can figure it out! The fleshy bit goes inside the grippy bit! Find yourself a partner and try some of them out!”

The Glister shuffled awkwardly. A few of the Glister tried to copulate from a standing position face to face. Others pressed their crotches to other Glister in the hope of penetration occurring automatically. No one knew what to do.

“Okay, forget that!” Vaquel yelled. “Glister with a pussy, do like I do!”

Vaquel bent over, facing the crowd. Moans rose from the assembled crowd as her breasts hung down in front of her. She spread her legs apart to form an upside down ‘V’.

Many of the Glister copied Vaquel’s position.

Vaquel pointed at the Glister beside her. “You, get behind me. Aim your cock for my pussy. Those of you with cocks, get behind someone with a pussy!”

The nearby Glister took a spot behind Vaquel. In front of her, hundreds of Glister took their places behind the bent over Glister. There was some shuffling as they paired up with corresponding genitals.

Vaquel reached between her legs. She took hold of the Glister’s cock. “Now everyone, work with your partner to get that cock inside that pussy. Take your time and get it right!”

The Glister behind Vaquel pushed forward. She guided his slender cock to her sex. The slender cock slipped deep inside her wet pussy.

Vaquel groaned. It was joined by other groans from the crowd. There were a few at first, but the groans grew louder and louder as more Glister succeeded in penetration.

“Okay, now that you are inside someone, or someone is inside you, start moving back and forth,” Vaquel instructed. “Lubricated friction creates stimulation!”

The Glister inside Vaquel attempted a small hip motion. The gentle thrusting was almost cute. Vaquel reached back and guided the Glister’s hands to her hips for better stability. He slowly began to pick up speed.

Hundreds of Glisters copied Vaquel and her Glister. Hologram-covered bodies rocked back and forth. Moans filled the air as the Glister celebrated their pleasure.

Vaquel braced herself as her Glister increased his pace. He was a fast learner. His slender cock rammed her sex with a virgin’s impatience. Vaquel sighed as her long-neglected pussy was finally getting the fucking it deserved.

But still, some of the Glister still needed her help. Dotted among the mass fucking, some pairs were clearly struggling. Vaquel shouted more instructions.

“If the pussy goes dry, or things go soft, engage in more manual or oral stimulation before returning to penetration!”

“You might also not like cock or pussy! It is okay if you rather put your genitals in someone’s mouth! If you have lubrication, you can even try someone’s asshole!”

“You also don’t have to fuck someone with different genitals! Try rubbing a pussy against a pussy! Or having someone with a cock play with your cock!”

The groans grew louder. Pairs broke up and new pairs formed. Vaquel noted with pride that even some of couples were discovering new positions to fuck.

A scream broke through the moans. It was joined by another scream.

“My cock expelled something!” someone shouted.

“Something made my body shake! What is happening?”

“It feels like my cock just exploded!”

“Those are orgasms!” Vaquel shouted. “You want those! Don’t be afraid! They are the natural results of sexual stimulation! You might need to take a break after an orgasm to recover!”

The Glister inside Vaquel shouted. His fingers dug into the flesh of her hips. A gush of hot seed filled Vaquel’s pussy.

“Fuck, yes,” Vaquel whispered. She reached for her pussy and rubbed furiously at her clitoris. As the Glister’s cock ejaculated inside her, Vaquel rubbed herself to orgasm.

“Glory to the Queen!” she cried as thousands of Glister watched her climax.

“Oh, oh, oh!” the Glister inside Vaquel said. He pulled his sensitive cock from her clenching pussy. Another load of seed shot forth and landed on her ass.

“Take five,” Vaquel said to the trembling Glister. She stood up and surveyed the crowd. The white holograms covered their bodies but they couldn’t hide the writhing, pumping, thrusting motion of the Glister. A lot of the pairs had transformed into threesomes and foursomes.

“You Glister are fast learners,” Vaquel said. “Still, I got a lot to teach you. We should really cover birth control at some point, as well as consent. Fuck, I can’t wait to teach you all about spanking.”

A loud siren blasted from behind Vaquel. She turned around to face the black tower. A large monitor activated and showed a Glister covered in bright red holograms.

The crowd howled in terror. “The Code Givers!” they shouted. Most of the them stopped their fucking to stand and face the monitor. Vaquel was proud to see that a small percentage were still fucking.

“You have failed the Code!” one of the red Glister said. Their voice was broadcasted all across the city. “Rampant animal behavior has been detected! The Armor of Denial and Discipline has been shattered! You have embraced the Animal urges and turned your backs to the Code!”

“Damn right, they did!” Vaquel shouted back. Many of the Glister flinched at Vaquel’s defiance.

“We, the Code Givers, have declared the Glister unworthy of the Code,” the red Glister continued. “We will cleanse the planet of your foulness. All living Glister except for the Code Givers will be slain. Their remains will NOT return to the Womb Tanks. They shall be incinerated and a new, chaste, generation will be born to replace you.”

Wails rose from the crowd.

“We have begun the countdown,” the Code Giver continued. “In two hours, the missiles will be launched. If you resist your animal urges and rededicate yourselves to the Code, we will stop the countdown and spare your unworthy lives. Your punishments will be legendary but you will be cleansed of your animal urges. Use your time wisely.”

The transmission ended. Numbers appeared on every monitor and began counting down. The seconds ticked by awfully fast.

Vaquel’s communicator buzzed. “Mistress!” Chairbot said. “That message was broadcasted all over the world! Please return to the ship so we can evacuate before your perfect ass is harmed!”

“Hold your chassis,” Vaquel said. “If the Code Givers can cancel the countdown that means there is still a way to do if from their headquarters.”

Vaquel turned to the Glister that had been fucking her. “You, where the fuck do the Code Givers live?”

The Glister pointed at the large black tower looming over them.

“That’s convenient,” Vaquel said. She turned back to the crowd and shouted for their attention.

“Have you enjoyed copulating so far?” she yelled.

“Yes!” the crowd cheered back.

“Good!” Vaquel shouted. “Every being deserves to fuck but your Code Givers think otherwise! They are willing to kill you to stop you from fucking! Is that fair?”

The crowd murmured. A lifetime of oppression was hard to shake off. Vaquel looked at her ship and considered leaving these poor fuckers to their fate.

“No,” the Glister that had fucked Vaquel said. His hand went to his hologram-covered crotch and he shouted again, “No!”

“No!” a few voices answered from the crowd. “No!” shouted more voices. “NO!” the crowd shouted together as they embraced their new found desire for sex.

“Well you want to fuck again tomorrow, then we need to do something about it!” Vaquel shouted. “Everyone grab a weapon! We’re going to break into this big tower here and beat some sense into the Code Givers! For your cocks!”

“Our cocks!” half the crowd shouted.

“For your pussy!” Vaquel shouted.

“For our pussy!” the other half shouted.

“For fucking!” Vaquel screamed.

“For fucking!” the crowd shouted, their voices so loud that she felt the vibrations deep in her pussy.

The crowd surged forward up the steps. They raced past Vaquel and slammed into the doors of the black tower. The mass of bodies pressed like an eager cock. There was a slight resistance and then the doors burst open like a slick pussy.

Vaquel glanced at the chronometer on her wrist. Was two hours enough time to overthrow a government and stop the missile launches? It seemed unlikely.

But then again, her well-fucked pussy was proof that the Glister were fast learners.

Nov 282022

I had no idea that owning a house would be like playing Minecraft. You have to stay on your toes and constantly maintain the place while looking out for danger. Instead of exploding green monsters, I had a pipe break apart in my basement. Fortunately it was the pipe that feed the kitchen sink and dishwasher into the the swere line, and not one of the lines that feed the toilet into the sewer. That means there was only a little flooding, which absolutely soaked the basement carpet and smeared greasy water across the tiles. Our home warranty covers the damage and it looks like we will be paying very little out of pocket but in the meantime, we were unable to use our sink or the dishwasher until the plumber shows up. Which is next Tuesday.

This happened two weeks ago. My in-laws came up from Florida and I hosted/cooked Thanksgiving dinner with no dishwasher or kitchen sink. It all worked out because I am Prime House Husband material but holy shit, I have been busy.

As you can imagine, this put a wrench into my writing but fear not loyal readers! The penultimate Vaquel story of the year will be published this Wednesday. The final story will be published two weeks from then, It has been a rough ride, but by the Goddess, we will wrap up this year’s story line before the end of the year.

With a little luck, I might even start Vaquel’s next yearly cycle in January.

But what about my other work? Moving into the house was a massive distraction and I have struggled to get back into a writing schedule that works for me. Keeping a five bedroom house clean is a lot more work than cleaning a two bedroom apartment. There are days when I wonder if I even have it in me to keep writing.

That day is not today. I plan to start working on the next interactive smut book before the end of the year. This will be book two of the Nymphopocalypse, and will feature escaping a city of infected nymphos . This book takes place two months after the first, and the many of the nymphos have started to mutate into strange monsters. I plan for this book to be brisk and action-packed so hopefully it will go as fast to write.

Thank you for sticking with me. This year has been crazy and my output has not been what I wanted it to be. I appreciate your patience and support.

 Update  Comments Off on Update From the Flooded Valley of Foxes.
Nov 112022

Twin Moon Pictures Presents is a series of articles designed to give you things to use in horror games based in the 1970’s. Although the articles will be written for They Came From Beyond the Grave RPG, the articles should be system neutral enough for your own 1970’s era games or stories.

Camp Sunshine was a former nudist camp now turned summer camp for children. The kids are due to appear on Monday and the camp counselors need to spend the weekend getting ready. Victor Burrow is their boss, a guy barely older than the counselors but the threat of financial failure has aged the guy. Weird things have happened at the camp, like people stripping off their clothes and not even noticing it as well as strange sightings of naked people who soon disappear. Something is not quite right.

Things are about to escalate in a hurry because there is a terrible killer about to massacre Victor and the counselors.

Back in 1956, Jimmy Nemeth was a young adult who came into some money when his creepy uncle died. The creepy uncle left him a creepier mansion with even creepier books. A lot of those books were of the occult but the ones Jimmy liked had dirty pictures in them. Jimmy brought one of them, the Malleus Hedonismus, with him.

Jimmy came to the nudist camp because he thought it was a non-stop orgy party. He wasn’t prepared for regular monogamous folks who just liked being naked. He thought if he got the nudists to preform one of the decadent rituals from his book, then maybe people would loosen up and an orgy would break out. It was easy to convince Bill Burrow of the plan as Bill was pretty orgy-obsessed as well. Bill made the ritual a camp activity and the nudists performed it one late night.

Sadly, Jimmy sucked as an occultist. He thought the ritual was to Bring Forth the Liberator of Restraint, a kind of mood-enhancing angel who made people overlook their marriage vows and experiment with three ways. What he brought forth instead was a metaphysical monstrosity that thought skin, bones, and muscles were the ultimate prison.

The ‘angel’ appeared as a white mist of blades and saws. Within seconds, the mist turned red as the angel flayed, deboned, and eviscerated the nudists. Jimmy watched it all in horror and was the last to die

No one was around to banish the angel so the angel lingered. It gathered the body parts of the people it killed and formed itself a hideous upright form of too many arms, legs and bleeding muscles. There is no skin and the monstrosity stills bleeds due to arcane reasons. The creature sank into the lake, and has remained there in a fugue state ever since.

That was until Victor Burrow showed up with a construction crew. The monster rose from the lake and took a peek at the sweaty bodies hard at work. The ghosts got involved and some of the workers went naked, but the brief flashes of exhibitionism was not enough to stir the angel to murder. It lurked in the woods, waiting to be agitated by wanton pleasures of the flesh.

Which is exactly what is going to happen when a bunch of young adult camp counselors move. The counselors are technically here to get things ready and prepare the camp but they brought their alcohol, their nubile bodies, their hormones and their rock music. The counselors are spending more time flirting than working and the flirting is starting to escalate to more physical activities. It is just a matter of time before the angel is angered enough to use its meat suit of body parts to liberate some more flesh.

The angel has spent too much time on the earthly plane and no longer possesses the ability to form a mist of edged destruction. It is limited to the ever-fresh corpse body it is animating. It will attack using its many arms to rip people apart. It is not above using local tools like machetes, axes or fishing knives to separate the flesh.

More disturbing is that the angel will happily stick new body parts onto its body. It might not even bother to skin them. Counselors are sure to be traumatized when the creature hits them with an arm that has a tattoo they recognize.

To get rid of the angel, the campers could consult the Malleus Hedonismus and perform the banishing ritual. The book is around here somewhere. It could be in the storage shed or it might even be in Victor’s house, being used to prop up an uneven chair leg. Surely one of the counselors knows Latin? The spell requires eight people but if there are not enough counselors, Ellen and other nudist ghosts will join in.

The campers could destroy the angel’s body. It is a collection of still-bleeding muscles stuck onto random bones and powered by pure malice. The angel’s power has been steadily weakening and maybe a few energetic young adults could tear it apart with some oars, tennis rackets and spare axes. Heck, even a Final Girl could do it if sufficiently clever.

Finally, although the angel is drawn by its hatred of pleasure, it also cannot exist near a concentration of pleasure. A bunch of young people dancing, making out and enjoying substances all at the same time might cancel out the angel’s grip on reality and send it back to the outer planes that it came from. It might be tricky to get in the mood with all this blood everywhere but hey, it’s worth a shot.

Ironically, that orgy Jimmy and Bill wanted might have been able to save the nudists back in 1956.

However the angel is defeated, it will have a positive effect on the ghosts. The ghosts will manifest and then ascend upwards to a bright white light. The survivors might even spot some of their fellow slain counselors among the rising ghosts. Feel free to play “Carry On, Wayward Son” as they do.

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Nov 092022

Twin Moon Pictures Presents is a series of articles designed to give you things to use in horror games based in the 1970’s. Although the articles will be written for They Came From Beyond the Grave RPG, the articles should be system neutral enough for your own 1970’s era games or stories.

Camp Sunshine is not your normal summer camp. It used to be a nudist camp back in the day until something terrible happened in the summer of 1956. Now it is re-opening as a summer camp for kids, but the ghosts of the missing nudists now haunt the camp.

One way the ghosts haunt the place is their urge to be naked. They will temporarily posses a living person and undress. The now-naked person will regain control of their bodies but will be unaware of their nakedness unless someone else points it out. The ghosts do this without malice and will never take over someone who is in a dangerous situation. That is small comfort to the person who finds themselves out in public in the buff.

Bill Burrow might be the first ghost campers meet. He appears as a very fit naked man in his late forties. He is always smoking a pipe and campers may smell the smoke before they see him. Bill used to own the camp with his wife and his primary reason for owning a nudist camp was to see some tits and ass. That remains his purpose as a ghost and he can often be found leering and ogling young attractive people. He prefers watching women but death has liberated him somewhat and he finds all genders attractive now.

When spotted, Bill will smile and maybe wave. If treated in a friendly way, he will linger and watch but will make no attempt at communication. He truly doesn’t care about anyone except in a voyeuristic manner. If shouted at, or threatened, he will vanish.

Ellen Burrow is another common ghost. She appears as a naked attractive woman with a blonde rolled updo. Unlike her husband, Ellen is constantly on the move, tidying up and putting things away. If she sees someone, she will smile and continue on her way.

If addressed, she will smile pleasantly and appear to be listening but after a few moments, she will wander off to do more chores. If asked a simple question like “Where are the bathrooms?”, she will point the way but otherwise she does not speak.

However, if someone is in danger and appears upset, Ellen will take notice of the person and may even answer questions about what happened back in 1956.

The last significant ghost is James Nemeth. He appears as a naked young man with a mop of brown hair. Deathly skinny and a bit pale, people might think he was some sort of monster. He stands out as looking very glum and unhappy. Campers might find him reading their books. If they find him holding his hands over his face, then beware, someone is about to be killed.

James is always present when someone dies.

Unlike the other ghosts, Jimmy will talk if approached in a friendly manner He feels responsible for what happened here and would love to unburden himself of his guilt. If he is threatened or bullied, the campers might not see him again until it is too late.

There are other nudist ghosts but their connection here is weaker and they often vanish after a few seconds. There is the gorgeous redhead who swims in the lake. Three older men play horseshoes where one of the bunkhouses stand now. Sometimes a crowd of naked women will play volleyball by the restrooms.

The ghosts leave artifacts behind that it remarkably real. Old soda bottles, 50’s magazines and suntan lotion are common. The most curious item is a film reel. A film projector can be found in the storage shed and if the reel is played, the campers will discover it is the nudist movie, “Blondes Prefer Nature.” Ellen can be easily recognized if they have seen her ghost, as well as Bill. No other ghosts are recognizable.

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Nov 072022

Twin Moon Pictures Presents is a series of articles designed to give you things to use in horror games based in the 1970’s. Although the articles will be written for They Came From Beyond the Grave RPG, the articles should be system neutral enough for your own 1970’s era games or stories.

Camp Sunshine was originally a nudist colony in the early 50’s. Owned by Bill and Ellen Burrow, the camp was founded as a place for people to shed their clothes and enjoy nature in a pure way. Ellen firmly believed that people needed a place to relax and release themselves from the pressures of society while Bill just really liked naked butts.

The camp was located on the eastern side of Lake Sunshine. There were twelve cabins meant to accommodate guests while the Burrows lived in a large two-story house in the center. There was a mess hall for when it rained, but mostly people ate at the many picnic tables and barbecue stations. Outdoor activities dot the campsite, including a volleyball net, cornhole lanes and of course, horseshoes.

Since the camp was based in Wisconsin, they really only operated during the summer. Miles away from the nearest town, nobody really cared what a bunch of naked people got up to in the woods. Lake Sunshine itself was always notorious for terrible fishing, so they have to worry about fishermen.

In 1954, a nudist movie was filmed here. Called, “Blonde Prefer Nature,” it featured attractive people doing camp activities. Ellen serves as the host and narrator while Bill is often spotted in the background.

In the summer of 1956, every person at Camp Sunshine vanished. Their cars, clothes and personal items had been left behind. Authorities were clueless as to what had happened. A newspaper speculated that drugs were involved and the nudists might have gone out in the woods to be eaten by bears. National papers ran with the idea and Camp Sunshine became another warning about drugs and sex.

The property went to Bill’s brother, Charles, who tried to sell the property to anyone that wanted it. No one did. Charles’ son, Victor, begged to take over the property and Charles reluctantly gave it to him.

Victor Burrow has reopened Camp Sunshine as a summer camp for kids. Camps are all the rage right now and he is hoping this camp will soon turn into a gold mine. Victor has sunk what was supposed to be his college fund into this project and it desperate for it to work.

He has run into a few problems. One, people keep forgetting their clothes. The workers he hired to clean the place up would sometimes strip down to nothing and then carry on doing their job, seemingly unaware of their nakedness unless someone points it out. At first Victor thought this was some sort of weird prank, but now that the camp counselors are here, some of them have had the same trouble.

Victor tore down eight of the cabins and replaced them with four large bunkhouses for kids. Weirdly, people keep spotting those demolished cabins. Same counselors have even reported old timey 50’s music coming from these cabins. Victor thinks its nonsense, but he wonders why he keeps coming across things like 50’s cigarettes and old magazines in the weirdest spots.

Lastly, two of the counselors swear there is something large and red lurking in those woods. Victor thought it was your typical Sasquatch nonsense, except the counselors say the thing has no fur and is in fact somehow skinless and bleeding all over the place. The camp cook swears the creature has more arms and legs than is natural.

Either way, Camp Sunshine opens this weekend. Victor has his counselors hired and the first busload of kids are coming on Monday. Hopefully he can get everything straightened out in the next two days.

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Nov 042022

Saloum is a 2021 movie set in Sengal. Three mercenaries, known as the Hyenas, are extracting a Mexican drug lord from a country during a coup-d’etat. The mercs consist of the leader, the muscle and the magic-user(!). Their small plane is sabotaged and they are forced to go down. That’s okay, because the leader knows of a small hotel/camp where they can stay and get repairs. All the have to do is blend in and not look suspicious.

That is complicated by the fact that a dear/mute woman immediately recognizes the mercenaries and demands to be taken with them or else she will expose them. It is further complicated by a visiting police chief who clearly does not believe their cover story. Even more complicating is that the owner of the camp is acting really suspicious and has a very curious relationship with the local villages.

Shit hits the fan like all great thrillers but then the REAL SHIT goes down as the spirit demons appear and turn this movie into a survival horror.

This movie is fantastic. It is so nice to see African characters with only the most marginal appearances by colonists. There is an incredible amount of tension as lies are told and exposed almost just as quickly. The three mercenaries are the coolest characters you will ever see. The leader is crafty, the muscle is a brute and the magic-user is everything you want out of a modern magician.

Did I mention that the movie is only eighty-four minutes long? That is an insanely short run time for a movie that has comedy, terror, tension, action and genuine pathos. Movies like this shouldn’t work but it does with perfect craftsmanship. It is the kind of movie that spoils you for other movies.

I don’t recommend this movie as much as I insist you you watch it because you deserve to see great movies.

Nov 022022

Available Job:

Temporary Placement to Counter Employee shortage.
Location: Quality Engine Ratings!
Species Required: Human female, Wuat Female, Banime Female.
Other Requirements: Sex Labor Guild Certification. Level Two Roleplay Rating. Level One Engineering Rating
Duration of Assignment: Four Hours
Payment: Sixty credits per hour plus tips. (Minus Sex Labor Guild Fees).

Click Here to Accept Assignment.

The light above the monitor blinked. Dazanna checked to make sure her plump tits were still inside her overalls. Normally, the engineers who wore these overalls had a shirt, bra and probably some sort of smart-fabric underneath, but all Dazanna had was her naked skin. Two thin straps came down over the shoulders to hold a small panel of cloth that barely covered the bottom half of her large breasts. Every time she moved, one or both tits would pop out and flash her nipples. She preferred to keep them in reserve until needed.

Once she was sure everything was mostly secure, she reached to accept the call but stopped herself.

“Fuck, almost forgot,” Dazanna whispered. She pulled back her long blue hair and then slipped a yellow hard hat over her head. There, perfect. She accepted the call.

A bearded humanoid appeared on the screen. He was a meter and a half tall and nearly a meter wide. Powerful muscles along his shoulders. Cybernetic eyes zoomed to look back at her. A metal implant in his forehead scanned constantly for plasma leaks. The black beard was braided with an assortment of metal washers.

That was a Wuat all right. At some point in humanity’s exploration of the stars, Wuat ancestors decided to alter their genes for optimal asteroid mining and minimal volume requirements. Thousands of years later, the Wuats are some of the hardest working and sturdiest spinoffs from the human genome. They also loved their machines and took pride in their engineering skills.

“Hey there, Big Beard,” Dazanna said. It was always good to compliment a Wuat on his beard. “Good machining to you.”

“Good machining to you, couplet,” the Wuat said.

Dazanna blushed. Couplet was a very vulgar, but complimentary, term in Wuat speak. She took it as an indication that the Wuat was eager to play.

“I have to be honest with you,” Dazanna lied. “It has been a very dull day. All I have had to look at is a malfunctioning chemical propulsion system and some leaking coolant pipes. It has barely lubricated my vussy. I hope you have something impressive to show me.”

The black beard shifted and teeth flashed from a smiling mouth. “How does a class three FTL drive sound?”

“Oooh!” Dazanna said. She leaned forward and right on cue, her right breast popped from her overalls. “Show me, please!”

The Wuat picked up his transmitter. Dazanna got a flash of a naked skin that was probably his crotch. A moment later, the interior of an engineering bay filled the view screen. The screen panned slowly over a FTL engine.

Dazanna purred like a Jeline in heat. “That is one nice looking FTL drive. By the Lords of Space, is that a tachyon convertor?”

“Yeah!” the Wuat said, his surprise at Dazanna’s recognition was clearly audible. “I installed it myself. It has cut particle turbulence down twenty percent.”

“Incredible,” Dazanna said in a husky voice. “That kind of reduction is so rare. My vussy is getting so wet just looking at it.”

“Thank you,” the Wuat grunted. Dazanna could tell that he was stroking his member. She reached between her legs and rubbed at her own crotch. The cheap coveralls were wet to the touch. Dazanna rubbed herself as hard as she could, her motions causing her tits to jiggle out of her top.

“Can you get closer to the filter chamber?” she asked. “I have never seen one that clean.”

“I scrub it myself,” the Wuat grunted. He was breathing harder. Dazanna could just imagine his strong hand pumping his undoubtedly thick dock. Was he stroking off while looking at her or was he reacting to her engineering compliments? She would like to think it was both, but it was more likely from the compliments.

“Your attention to preventive maintenance is exemplary,” Dazanna as sincerely as she could.

The Wuat moaned. It was a deep guttural sound like an asteroid cracking open.

“What about the regulator?” he asked.

Dazana’s eyes darted around. What was the regulator? Dazanna bit her lip dramatically to stall for time.

Wait, it was that red thing next to the dial! It looked fine. She struggled to think of something nice to say about it.

It was time to break out the compliment of last resort.

“It looks like it was installed by a master craftsman,” she said.

The Wuat cried out as he climaxed. The load was almost as big as the tip he left for Dazanna.

Oct 312022

Reel Wild Cinema was a television show on the USA Network, hosted by Sandra Bernhard. It featured “The good parts” from exploitation movies of the 50-s and 60’s. This meant that often you would get a five minute version of these awful movies, showcasing the bad acting, silly special effects or moments of sleaze. Every hour long episode had a featured movie that would be truncated down to twenty or thirty minutes. In between clips, Sandra would interview guests like Dweezil Zappa, or discuss trivia involving the movies.

I absolutely loved it. It aired in 1995. This was a mystical time when we had the internet but weren’t quite sure what to do with it. You knew of cheesy movies but were at the mercy of your local VHS rental place. Blogs were not quite a thing yet and word of mouth was usually limited to what LordMovieScum69 talked about in an AOL Chatroom. In short, Reel Wild Cinema was the best way to find the worse movies of previous decades.

The show was cancelled after two seasons. Fortunately for us, Something Weird Video posted the entire series onto youtube. I am struck by how timeless the show is. It truly does break movies down to the good parts while also giving you a list of schlock to follow up on. Many of the movies can now be bought by digital downloads from the Something Weird Video site.