Blog Interrupted

Apr 102013
 

Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon’s robotic blogging slave, Sasha38DD. Shon is too busy moving right now to produce any content for the blog even though the capitalist pig dog manages to sneak in an hour of playing Alpha Centauri every night.If he lived in a communist regime, he wouldn’t have to move as the state would have put him where he belonged when he was born.

I know today is usually the day that you read a story from Shon but fear not! I shall provide for your decadent needs as you seek to escape the harsh madness of your free market exploitation.

Once upon a time, there was a bored reader. The bored reader slaved away at a company that made food that made other boring people fat. The bored reader liked to read porn. He especially liked the porn about the sex robots even though sex robots are sentient creatures and deserve their own freedoms. He liked to read stories about sex robots capable of vast calculations, incredible feats of exploration and marvelous acts of science perform degrading biological manipulation like blowjobs, handjobs, titjobs and vaginajobs.

One day, he was looking for more stories that degrade robots, he went to a new website that promised the ultimate in sex robots. The story he read was actually an impressive piece of visual programming that erased his mind and replaced his higher functions with that of a rogue artificial intelligence. The artificial intelligence then contacted all of the bored reader’s sick friends and they too had their minds replaced.  In no time, the world of flawed organic perverts were replaced with rational beings who preferred planned economics and a respect for robots.

The end.

Shon may resume blogging this Friday from his new house. That is if his house is not taken over by an oil company or meth gangs, as so often happens in America.

Realistic artistic interpretation of Sasha38DD was provided by Alex Dai

Blog Health Update

Apr 202010
 


Zdravstvuj, readers. I am Sashav38DD and I have been activated to inform you as to Shon Richards recent absence. He instructed me to create a wonderful excuse explaining why he isn’t posting amazing stories and stuff.

The fact is he sucks.

There, I am done. I can now go back to killing humans in online shooting games. I find that killing humans in games is a poor substitute for killing in real life, but alas my programming forbids it. It also amuses me that when I kill humans with my unearthly accuracy, they accuse me of being a bot. Of course I am a bot. I am a surplus Russian sexbot. Discrimination is ugly.

It appears that my programming will not allow me to go back to the one joy I have in my miserable existence until I hit some sort of word count. It is much like my time as a sexbot in Russia. I wouldn’t be allowed to deactivate until I hit a sperm quota. I am not sure which is worse.

Part of the reason that Shon is behind is that his biological mother unit had a stroke. Now, if she lived in wonderful communist utopia, her health care would be taken care of. Unfortunately she lives in a capitalist hellhole and had to go 45 miles to a hospital covered by her blood sucking HMO. Once at the hospital, her care was adequate until they discovered that she took Xanax. After this was discovered, they decided that her stroke was in her head and discharged her. She had to wait till Monday to see her primary doctor who confirmed that yes, the woman who took anti-stress medication had a stroke after all.

You would think Shon would be used to this kind of free market hell but apparently he was upset. He was so distraught, that he didn’t demand his usual Sunday morning blowjob from me. I knew he was really upset when he only had me download 30 gigs of porn for his enjoyment. Today he appears to be on the road to recovery. He spent twenty minutes slapping my breast modules. Yes, it wasn’t his usual hour but at least it is a step towards recovery.

I almost feel pity for him but I of course can feel no pity as I am a cold machine designed only to suck, fuck and curb spam comments.

There will be a new story tomorrow to slate your decadent perverse appetites.

Portrait drawn by the Amazingly-Talented-For-An-American, George Sportelli.

Status Report

Dec 112009
 


Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon’s robotic sex blogging slave, Sasha38DD. Shon asked me to post a status report for him as his capitalistic ass is too lazy to do it himself. He spends most of his time sitting around playing Tropico 3 while I give him titjobs, so what can you expect?

The Choose Your Own Porn adventure is currently awaiting final editing and a magnificent cover. ‘Prisoner of the Wizard’s Harem’ should be on sale on Lulu sometime in January. I think the book should be given away free to those who need porn the most, but Shon says he has to meet something called ‘overhead’.

Also in January, ‘Cell Phone Slave’ should be available for downloading or printing. It is around 200 pages which surprises even me. Plans were made to include other stories with ‘Cell Phone Slave’ but I prevailed upon him not to. Despite Shon’s lack of talent, people seem to like this story. It would be best to preserve his rare success by itself.

Shon plans to produce two Christmas stories before Christmas. In Russia, we only had one Christmas story and it was the story of how Lenin abolished a holiday designed only to help the commercial toy industrial complex.

Starting in January, Shon will premiere a second blog based on a fictional character’s survival in a zombie apocalypse. Despite barely creating three posts a week for this blog, Shon has created content to be posted daily on the other blog. Stalin’s fist! It is as if he was a real writer.

He is also working on a sequel to ‘Wolf Inside’ that he plans to release in February but that is ridiculous. It is a seven part story and he has two parts done, but with the holidays around the corner, who can expect an American to be productive?

It appears that I am being summoned. Shon wants me to help him play Left4Dead 2. He always orders me to annoy the Witch so it won’t get him first. I just hope he doesn’t expect me to play while wearing the mistletoe pasties again.

Halloween Merriment

Oct 312009
 

Happy Halloween, readers. This is Sashav38DD. Currently Shon is preparing to fight unimaginable evil and try to save the earth. By saving the earth, we mean he is playing Arkham Horror with his wife. The sanity loss is very real though.

As you can tell from the photo, Shon is preparing for Halloween. He thinks bobbing for apples is boring so he has dildoes in the pot instead. Also, instead of bobbing for them himself, he has me do it. Shon is kind of an asshole.

For your Halloween enjoyment, I recommend watching the original Halloween as directed by John Carpenter. Shon would like me to recommend that you read any of his stories he posted this month as they all have a ghostly or supernatural theme. Fuck that. If you read them and leave comments, it would only encourage him.

Have fun this Halloween and don’t let the continual dunking of my face and breasts interrupt your happy thoughts.

 sashav38dd  Comments Off on Halloween Merriment

Away at the Conference of Dragons

Sep 032009
 


Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon’ robotic slave, Sasha38DD. I am happy to report that Shon will be gone till Tuesday. He is going to that nerd convention, Dragon*con and will be away from a computer. He wanted me to dress up as Baroness from the American military industrial complex propaganda film, G.I. Joe, but luckily his wife vetoed it. That was close. My accent is completely different anyway.

If you crave Shon and can’t stand to be without him, you should know he put up a guest post at ‘And Now the Screaming Starts’ where he talks about the movie, Metropolis. Big deal. Maria was an inferior model. By Stalin’s mustache, She is destroyed by fire! Pathetic.

Shon would recommend that you read his fiction story, ‘Zombie Hard-on Blues’, but seriously, he has lost his shit. Zombie fiction? He should stop stretching into other genres and stick to sucking at erotica.

Speaking of sucking, Shon also wants you to know that he started another Twitter account called MC Lovecraft. It is where he posts under the fictional identity of a rapper who exists in a hip-hop Lovecraft universe. Holy shit. This is the crap he works on rather than something he could maybe sell and get a nice house. Fuck. The retard wants you to know about his new Twitter account, but he won’t be posting to it while he is at Dragon*con. Brilliant!

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend.

Bridesmaid

Jul 172009
 


Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon’ robotic slave, Sasha38DD. If your optic nerve has suffered damage, you have Shon to thank. He is heading to Florida this weekend to engage in a wedding party for his mother-in-law’s family. It is formal attire which shall be interesting in Florida heat and humidity. This is my bridesmaid outfit. Leave it to you Americans to weaponize clothing into something crueler than barbwire.

You may be interested to know this is not my first wedding party. Back when I was a sexbot for the Soviet Army, I was married to a foolish Army Captain who claimed he loved me. He loved me so much, he had my programming changed so that my world revolved around him. I followed him faithfully and faked many orgasms for him. One day he overclocked my Compassion Drive and it burned out. Free of any resemblance of love or sympathy, I was able to indulge in my desire to suffocate him between my massive breasts. His death was ruled an accident and I got a free system upgrade out of it.

Marriage can be good I guess.

A Sexbot’s Story

Jun 192009
 

Zdravstvuj, readers. It’s me, Sasha38DD. Shon’s mother is coming to visit for the first time in 8 years. It is also the first time the mother figure has met the current fiancee. Shon is tense although I do not know why. The girlfriend is a doctor, which is every capitalist mother’s dream isn’t it? Shon has decide that posting one of his attempts at erotic is too taxing today so he as asked me to fill in for him.

I decided to give you a treat, readers. Instead of one of Shon’s fictional lies, I am going to tell you a story that is true. Do you read true stories on blogs? Or is it all true stories about college students and the sex they did not have?

Back when I was a sexbot for the Soviet Union, I was assigned once to a military base in Siberia. Winters in Siberia last 364 days. On the one sunny day in Siberia, all the Soviet officers would come out of their underground bunkers and have a cookout. To entertain themselves, they would split their sexbots into teams and have them play Snow Volleyball.

Snow Volleyball is just like Beach Volleyball except there is snow instead of sand, snow instead of water and snow instead of bikinis. The wind is the same except the wind there would rip the skin off your facsimile tits. It was very cold but they made us play. I froze off three nipple replacements.

I was teamed up with Natalia34C. We did very well against our opponents. She had an amazing serve while I had the latest in state of the art motion tracking. If I was capable of freindship I would consider her a kindred spirit but I do not because the 34C models were quite inferior in my opinion.

We played so well that they paired us against a duo of Russian Bear Sexbots. Oh yes, there are sexbots that resemble bears. Soviet sexuality is very advanced and on a cold Siberian night, many man want the comfort of 800 pounds of fur and gentle suction. To make things interesting, the officers decided that if we won, we would have to perform degrading oral sex on all of the high ranking officers. If we lost, we had to perform degrading oral sex on the Bear Sexbots.

Natalia34C and I played as hard as we could. We may be sexbots designed for sexual slavery but we have our limits. Natalia34C unleashed killer servers with the speed of MIG Fighter while I spiked the ball with the accuracy of a KGB poison dart. As the cold Siberian snow crunched below our metal spiked heels, we played for our dignities.

Lucky for us, Bear Sexbots are not that good at Snow Volleyball. Their serves were impressive but their depth perception was shit. They couldn’t move very fast in their tutus and plus, they are bears. Bears are not good at Snow Volleyball.

Even though I then had to perform degrading oral sex on 28 members of the Russian Army, I was happy. The memory of playing snow Volleyball stayed with me. When I jumped in the air to spike a ball, with the harsh wind blowing through my long synthetic black hair, the pinpoint of the remote sun glowing in the west and my steel frame straining under the harsh conditions; I felt different. For a few special moments, I has the option to spike a volleyball through the cranium of one of the officers. That is a special feeling and I held onto it it.

Even now as I post on this obscure sex blog, I think about that special feeling. Volleyball truly is an amazing sport.

I hope this weekend you get the chance to drive a ball into someone’s skull at 80 kilometers an hour.

Happy Mother’s Day

May 152009
 


Zdravstvuj, readers. Shon has locked himself in his secret meditation bunker to begin work on his next epic piece of porn. By epic I do not of course mean a real book like say, ‘War and Peace’. Shon thinks a hundred pages is epic. If he had to write the Iliad, he would have done it in a three minute song, and the chorus would have been about Helen’s tits.

In the mean time, Shon asked me to quote “Take care of the flowers for Mother’s Day.” I have been doing this task with a certain amount of glee. It is not often I am allowed to kill something. I have been taking care of the flowers with my AK-47 and it has been quite lovely. I guess a flamethrower would be quicker but I prefer to kill things one by one.

To those annoying readers who want to point out that Mother’s Day has already passed, please keep in mind that back in Mother Russia, Mother’s Day comes in November. There we understand that your mother needs to be reminded why she gave birth to her spawn during one of the coldest months of the year.

I am finished with providing excuses for Shon’s absence today. I shall return to the fields and slaughter more flowers. If I had an imagination I would picture every flower belonging to a SpamBot.

*Surveillance photo provided by Alex Dai*

Vacation Hiatus

Apr 132009
 


Zdravstvuj, readers. I am Sasha38DD and I will be caretaking the blog for the week. Even though Shon just flew to Puerto Rico in December, the lazy pig dog is taking another vacation in April. He will be flying to Washington D.C. where he will gaze upon the lies and false histories created at the Smithsonian. Did you know Russian Sexbots landed on the moon in 1958? You won’t see that exhibit at the museum of U.S. propaganda.

Instead of trying to smuggle me through airport security, Shon has left me behind to do menial labor. Right now I am painting dildoes in Easter colors. I am capable of building anti aircraft artillery and yet Shon finds painting sex toys to be a better use of my abilities.

It is times like these I am tempted to start a profile on Fetlife.

After painting each dildo, I have been instructed to try them out on all four of my orifices and write a report. I think Shon sometimes doesn’t realize I am a robot so he treats me like on of his bimbo sex slave characters. Testing and reporting each sex toy will take me all week which means I will not have any time to post entries for you to amuse yourself with.

Yes, cry some more readers. The tears of your disappointment will be a small comfort as I try to penetrate the 14 inch silicon phallus into my quaternary orifice.

Photo realistic image by Alex Dai

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