Aug 202012

Ladies, gentlemen and podcast subscribers, this is Professor Rios reporting from the frozen land of Antarctica!  We have been traveling over land for quite some time and we have so much to report.

First of all, did you know it was fucking cold in Antarctica?  I knew it would be cold but this is really cold.  Really, really, really fucking cold.  Oh sweet Jesus, is it cold.

So fucking cold.

My nuts are somewhere in my esophagus.  That’s how fucking cold it is.

(Sound of weeping followed by drinking and a burp)

I’m sorry for that breakdown.  I had hoped to broadcast this with the young sex blogger, Journey of the Heart, but she has sworn off contact with human beings.  She has been the nightly lover of our expedition leader, Ian Xavier, for the past few weeks.  Her screams of pleasure have kept many of us awake at night.

Last night Ian decided to shake things up a bit and he fucked her ass.  He climaxed in her ass and the fucking cold temperatures around here froze the semen inside her ass.  We all had to assist in warming her asshole enough so that the semen would melt.  I can safely report that our blogger has quite a nice ass.

After her ass spunk thawed, the blogger made a vow of abstinence.  She now calls herself Born Again Virgin Slut.  I understand that she already has three sex advice column offers from internet porn sites.

Enough about her.  The expedition proceeds along at a good pace.  According to my translation of the slabs, we should be near the secret lair of the Cat-Women.  Or we could be a hundred miles away.  There is a margin of error with translating unknown languages but I am fairly confident we will discover them in due time.

Did I mention it was fucking cold in Antarctica?  Because it is.  It is fucking cold here.

I am a bit concerned for the health of Ulysses Cameron.  His famed survival skills on reality shows have not translated well to this frozen hellscape.  He tried to make a shelter using only his frozen underwear but only creating a rather leaky latrine.  His frequent cursing and crying for his mother is demoralizing to the rest of us. 

The dominatrices however appear to be thriving.  Both Mistress Volkov and Mistress Violence have been keeping warm by sandwiching Professor Banwitz between them in their sleeping bag.  I was jealous of the Professor until I discovered that he is mummy wrapped each night in duct tape before they let him slide between them.  It sounds most frustrating. 

I tried to arrange a similar situation with Dr. Vette and Doctor Nagi, minus the duct tape, but both declined. 

Have I mentioned how fucking cold it was?

It is so damn cold.

The transmitter is freezing solid again so I must end my transmission.  It is so damn fuc—-

(Transmission lost) 

Jul 302012

Ladies, gentlemen and subscription podcast listeners, this is Professor Rios reporting from the frozen shores of Antarctica!  After a perilous journey, Captain Cleaver has finally brought the Dirty Secret to this isolated continent.

I had planned to conduct this podcast with the team’s sex blogger, Velvet-Thighs, but she has undergone another identity crisis.  She has forsaken her lesbian lover, Dr. Vette, and has recently been enjoying a romantic tryst with our expedition leader, Ian Xavier.  She has changed her blogger name to Journey of the Heart, which quite frankly sounds like a bad 70’s concept album.  She insists that I am unqualified to properly chronicle the exploits of our expedition leader and will be maintaining her own account.  Personally, I think blowing his cock should be enough of an ego boost for Mr. Xavier without having his own personal recorder.

Anyway, landing at Antarctica was not without its own perils.  Another expedition had taken our chosen landing spot.  How rude!  Professor Heinsor is trying to prove some nonsense regarding climate change and penguin migration.  I politely communicated to him that he needed to move his expedition several miles away from us so we could get started in peace and quiet without all this penguin shit everywhere.  Professor Heinsor declined my request which I would like to be entered into the record of the tribulations that I have to face in my quest for science.

Negotiations deteriorated when a member of Professor Heinsor’s team made an off color comment to one of our dominatrixes.  Mistress Natasha Volkov was deeply offended when a crude scientist asked her if she would care to warm up the ice with her glorious ass.  The resulting slap of his face was entirely expected but when she stripped him down to his underwear and forcefully violated his ass with a penguin. 

Well, things just got violent after that.  Our other explorer, Ulysses Cameron, shoved someone’s face in some penguin shit.  Dr. Vette cut off a man’s nose with a jagged piece of ice.  Dr. Nagi, that delicate flower of womanhood, tore a man’s ear off but to be fair, I suspect his ear was already fragile with frostbite.  I myself may have kicked Professor Heinsor in the head a few times.  Once a fight breaks out, it is hard not to get into the spirit of things.

After a good day and a half of fighting, Professor Heinsor decided to move his team to a better location.  My team suffered next to no casualties except for poor Professor Banwitz. Apparently our other dominatrix, Mistress Wanda Violence, mistook him for a member of the other side and did something traumatizing to his crotch area.  Hopefully he can just walk it off and be ready for our land journey which begins tomorrow.

As a disagreement between scientific parties, this may not be our proudest moment as an expedition, but as a team bonding experience it couldn’t be beaten.  I saw the normally brusque Mistress Volkov actually let Cameron touch her ass after a few beers.  Dr. Vette provided some comforting of a sexual nature to Professor Banwitz which is odd because I was 99% sure she was a lesbian.  Dr. Nagi even let me pick some penguin shit out of her lovely hair.

I have high hopes that after such a successful first day in Antarctica, that the rest of our journey will just as enlightening.     

Jun 292012

Ladies, gentlemen and subscription podcast listeners.  I am broadcasting from somewhere off the coast of South America.  The voyage is going well and Captain Cleaver assures me that the Dirty Secret will reach Antarctica in a few weeks as long as we don’t have any more attacks.

I was hoping to conduct this podcast with our sex blogger, Naked-Heart, but she refuses to have anything to do with what she calls, “Patriarchal Studies.”  Naked-Heart has also changed her blogger name to Velvet-Thighs.  She is still a part of the expedition but she insists that she is keeping her own records that are “free of the taint of testicle bias.”

Personally, I blame Velvet-Thighs’ behavior on Dr. Vette.  The young blogger has been spending all of her time with the cat biologist.  The screams of pleasure I hear coming from their cabin when I put my ear to the door has led me to conclude that they are having a Sapphic tryst. 

Anyway, the voyage has not been without the usual hiccups.  We were briefly interrupted last week when Mexican Sex Robots tried to hijack our ship.  Not many people know this, but Mexico created far too many beautiful sexy female robots back in the 70’s in order to create the commercially successful Donkey Shows of that period.  You don’t think real women were having sex with donkeys, do you?  No, they were all sex robots. 

With the collapse of the Donkey Show tourist bubble in 1983, most of the Mexican Sex Robots went rogue.  Some started strip clubs posing as vampires but quite a few became pirates.  We were attacked by such a band of sexy robot pirates last week.  The screaming Hispanic beauties with giant tits and high stress bodies were pretty fearsome but out own crew of reformed Somalian pirates beat them off quite easily. 

We didn’t have any casualties except that Professor Banwitz was critically injured.  He tried to get some measurements from the anal cavity of what we thought was a defunct sex robot but alas, the robot’s sphincter was still active and it crushed his hand.  Professor Banwitz was screaming that we take him to a hospital but we wisely refused his requests.  The voyage must go on!

In other news, Mr. Xavier has been training us all in the art of Antarctic explorations.  He has turned the Water Sports room of the Dirty Secret into a pseudo Antarctic environment but turning the air conditioner all the way down.  He insists that we train butt-naked in the chilly 50 degree room to prepare ourselves for the cold.

Some of the other expedition members think this is bullshit but personally I think that there is some merit to his methods.  For example, I have discovered that Dr. Nagi has the loveliest looking pussy hairs that I have ever seen.   

That is all the time I have for now.  It is my turn to be on lookout duty for any more Mexican Sex Robot pirates.

 Rios  Comments Off on Expedition Update: June 29th
Jun 012012

Ladies, gentlemen and esteemed members of the Weekly World News, welcome to our final pre-expedition press release.  I am Professor Rios and I will be leading a research team into the deepest parts of Antarctica in search of the mysterious Land of Cat-Women!

I was fortunate to have the backing of several adventure minded anthropologists as well as generous grants from the Furry community.  I would like to take this moment to thank noted Furry community member, Lord Fluffmuffer, who personally donated one million dollars for top of the line video cameras and cat scratch boards.  I also want to thank Dr. Otto Von Madd, who provided high quality condoms designed for most humanoid sexual organs.

We will be making our voyage on the Dirty Secret, a cargo ship that was retrofitted in the 70’s into a floating swappers’ club but now has been re-retrofitted into a frozen water explorer.  We took out the fur room and replaced it with our computers but we kept the hydroponics bay to store food and cat nip.

Our Captain, Oswald Cleaver, assures me that this ship can safely reach Antarctica and that his crew of ruthless but lovable reformed Somalian pirates is up to the task.  He is looking forward to the voyage and has already let his back hair grow out in anticipation of the cold voyage.

Let me introduce the brave adventurers accompanying us.

Ian Xavier will be our lead explorer and expedition guide.  Mr. Xavier has been to the deepest parts of the Amazon Jungle, fought savage intelligent monkeys in the wilds of Africa and once spent a frightening year in the small towns of North Carolina.  Mr. Xavier has never been to Antarctica but after dealing with BBQ doused in vinegar in North Carolina, Mr. Xavier says that Antarctica will be a piece of cake.

Aiding him will be noted explorer, Ulysses Cameron.  Mr. Cameron is better known for his series of survival shows where he is dumped in some hellhole like Utah and is forced to survive on his own piss and scavenged bags of potato chips in the wild.  Mr. Cameron also has never been to the Antarctica but he has an amazing ass which experts think will mean a lot to the anal fixated Cat-Woman.

Doctor Yolanda Vette will be our biologist on this trip.  Ms. Vette is a cat expert and noted cat lover who has been banned from seventeen zoos for unlawful carnal experiments with tigers and lions.  Some people in the science community think she is a freak but I think her transgressions show how far she will go for scientific curiosity. 

Professor Ted Banwitz is a historian and will be coming along to offers explanations for how Cat-Women manage to be living in Antarctica anyway.  Mr. Banwitz is has done remarkable work in proving the existence of an underground race of perverts who have preyed on humanity through out the ages despite the censorship of the Vatican and the PTA.  I welcome his insights on this voyage.

Doctor Miyoko Nagi shall be our anthropologist. I have been following her fascinating career as she has traced the origin of the dildo back through the ages.  Her discovery of ancient G-spot dildos in Africa has been dismissed by the scientific community as perverse and characteristic of a size-queen, but I find her work very important.  She will be invaluable as we try to study the Cat-Women.  I also think her hair is what heaven smells like.

Because of the suspected violent nature of the Cat-Women, I have reached outside the scientific community to enlist the aid of some people who can aid in communication.  For these purposes, I have hired Mistress Natasha Volkov and Mistress Wanda Violence who goes by the nickname, “Ice Queen.”  Never underestimate the power of a coincidental name!  These two shall help us establish relations with the power oriented Cat-Women

I wanted to hire a sex blogger to chronicle our exploits but that proved difficult.  Most sex bloggers will only work for free sex toys and the others are too busy publishing their smut on Kindle and iTunes.  After an exhausting search and many Twitter interviews, I finally found an out of work college student who thinks she can get school credit for this trip.  I am not allowed to reveal her real name so she will only be listed by her pseudonym, Naked-Heart.  I can also reveal that she is 20 something, masturbates frequently and is desperately bisexual.

That’s our team!  We shall be leaving tonight and if all goes well, we will be sending back regular updates through the miracle of satellite phone technology.  We will be sending back information as soon as we get it!

This concludes our press conference but please come to the lounge for drinks. There will be a needle play demonstration by Mistress Natasha Volkov and a poetry reading by Naked-Heart.

May 112012

Ladies, gentlemen and podcast viewers, welcome to my presentation.  I am Professor Rios and I am about to embark on a fantastic journey. Even more amazing, I am inviting you to come along!

What if I told you that man was not the only civilization on Earth?  What if I told you that there was another civilization coexisting alongside us?  What if I told you that this civilization not only existed, but thrived!  Now imagine that this secret thriving undiscovered civilization was made up of beautiful cat-women?

It’s all true!  In 1958, Sir Hillary brought back stone slabs from his expedition to Antarctica.  Scientists who studied the slabs thought that the scrawls were just random erosion left by ice and penguins.  I however have studied the slabs and have made a startling discovery!  Using certain French occultist books as my guide, I have translated the slabs and can now share that knowledge with you!

The slabs speak of a wise race of ferocious women that are half cat, half sex crazed nymphomaniac.  They reside inside a mountain that is warmed by fortunate volcanic streams.  The terrifying women are covered in soft fur and equipped with claws that could slice through a seal.  These strange women feed on giant antarctic mice that live in their mountain.  They also apparently have the sexual appetite of spring break students on their fifth margarita.  

There were some translation difficulties with the slabs.  For example,  I am not entirely sure how a race of cat-women breed and I am only 95% sure that the cat-women do not in fact have penises.   I am also unsure as to what the slabs are talking about when they refer to the “Great Baiting”.  Still, what we have learned is an amazing discovery! 

Ladies, gentlemen and podcast viewers, I intend to find these bizarre women.  I shall launch an expedition this summer to discover their mountain lair.  I shall engage in friendly diplomatic overtures and establish communication between our species!  I shall learn as much as I can about their culture, their beliefs and their history.  I shall also mate with as many of them as I can.

Funding has already been provided by that great scientists and philanthropist, Dr. Otto Von Madd.   All I need now is some brave souls to accompany me.  That’s right, I need you!

Specifically, I need some experienced Antarctic explorers to help with the trip.  I shall also need biologists, historians, and an anthropologist.  I also plan to take some dominatrixes along to help with communications as well as a sex blogger or two to help chronicle our exploits.  I also find that in expeditions of this nature it pays to bring along a plucky college student or two that we can trade to the natives.

The expedition begins July 1st so send in your applications now!

 Rios  Comments Off on Professor Rios Needs You