First Draft, Ho!

May 302011
 

This weekend I finished the last story for my pirate anthology. You have no idea how nice that felt. I originally wanted this book ready by May but reality and work kicked that idea in the nads. As I kept missing my own deadlines, I wondered if this was ever going to be written.

Which I think is an important lesson to all you amateur hobbyist writers out there – Don’t give yourself deadlines. It is good to have goals and a schedule but seriously, I beat myself up emotionally for deadlines and I am my own boss. What is up with that? You know what is a better deadline? Write it till it is good. That’s your deadline.

Speaking of good, one of my original goals was to have twenty-four stories set on this pirate ship. Why twenty-four? No good reason. It just seemed like a round fat number. Around story 18, I realized that I was about out of good ideas. I had four plots that were doable, but they were not exactly exciting. I started writing a few of them before I realized that they read like filler. I was trying to reach my own self imposed goal of twenty-four stories instead of just tying it up when I was out of good stories. Don’t pull a Shon and do that.

Once I decided to stop at eighteen stories, I came up with two more. For story nineteen, I recycled an old favorite of mine about a pirate named Lucky John. I rewrote it a bit and added him to the crew. I wanted to have only new stories for this book but screw it, this is a good story. It deserves a second read.

For my twentieth story, I hacked and whittled at an idea I had till it was a story as good as the other nineteen. I like it. It has an orgy. It centers on the Captain and is from her point of view, something I carefully avoided throughout the whole anthology. I like Captain Kate O’Plenty and I think you will too.

I would like to go on the record and say that my biggest regret with this anthology is that I never wrote a story for the cook of the ship. I had a few character ideas in mind but no story to go with it. BDSM cooks are a favorite of mine but in six months, I couldn’t come up with an angle that brought anything new to the genre. Oh well. Maybe now that the stories are written, my brain will relax and come up with an idea.

Just because the stories are written doesn’t mean they are done. I need to go back through each one and rewrite them so that all of the characters remain consistent from story to story. I also need to polish and fine tune the three sea shanties I had written and see if I have it in me to write the Pirate Code for the ship.

The funny thing is that after all this, it goes to my lucky charm proofreader, Bridget, and the real editing and rewriting begins.

In the meantime, I can start writing about another ship, this one set in space and where everyone is a Hell of a lot meaner.

The picture was drawn by Joe Gravel. The guy makes wonderful pirate sketch cards and I wanted something epic from him. He certainly delivered.

Spoiler Free Thoughts on POTC :On Stranger Tides

May 222011
 

I saw this POTC: On Stranger Tides on opening day because I was terrified of spoilers. I am also a big fan of pirates in general and I am pretty sure I would be there on opening day even if they remade Treasure Island starring Sarah Palin. I have a fondness and some may say weakness for pirates, so I understand that I am not an unbiased person.

So I watch this movie and I had a pretty fun time. More importantly, I think I felt a sense of relief that it did not suck. I liked POTC: at World’s End when it came out but within the week, my brain started poking holes in it and I found myself wondering why a pirate movie seemed to be 90% talking with little daring action. I think relief is the best way to describe how I feel about the current movie. It was good. It did not suck. It was fun.

A few days later though, I feel like the current movie is missing something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Jack Sparrow is awesome in his not quite the best pirate/not quite the worse pirate ever. Penelope Cruz and her astounding beauty brings a mature sex appeal that Keira Knightley never had. Iam Mcshane is hilarious as Blackbeard, playing pretty much a supernatural Al Swearengen. Geoffrey Rush is back, and I really enjoy how he may sometimes be the villain, but he is arguably a better pirate than all of them. Everything about the movie was good.

But yet, it feels to me like it lacked something.

I think it lacks the sheer surprise of the first movie. The POTC movie was a shock. A movie about an amusement ride wasn’t supposed to be that much fun. Jack Sparrow was an enigma in that first movie. Now he is a favorite uncle. You are always glad to see him, but he is not the amazing pleasant surprise that he was in the first movie. You couldn’t imagine Jack Sparrow ahead of time, so when you saw him, he blew your mind. He is the same character now, but now you are just happy to see him. The joy that comes from the surprise can never be recaptured.

Which is what I think is what holds this movie back. It is a sequel and even if it is as good as the first movie, it is what we come to expect. It fails because it can not possibly surprise us unless it surpasses the original. That’s a tough fucking thing to do.

I’ve spent the past year working on a pirate anthology. I am pretty much hip deep in pirates all the time. I worried a little that I might be burnt out on pirates when I saw this movie. Instead,, I enjoyed this movie and it had quite a few bits that I wished I had written. It is a good movie. It is a fun movie. I don’t think there is a single thing I would change. The mermaids alone were worth waiting for.

It just can’t possibly be as good as we want it to be.

The Mermaid Question

Nov 012010
 


This lovely sketch card was drawn by Joe Gravel and you can try to buy it on ebay. There is a lot to love about this image, from the crab to the pouty look on the mermaid, but it brings to mind a problem I am experiencing. I am not sure whether to include such supernatural hijinks in my pirate anthology next summer.

When one writes about male and female pirates on a ship together in the 1500’s, you are essentially writing science fiction. That kind of stuff didn’t happen and the kind of sexual pleasure orgy ship I am envisaging would have trouble sailing much less looting with all the fucking they are doing. Porn trumps historical accuracy in this book.

Yet I find myself holding back when it comes to adding things like mermaids and sea monsters. They are such a rich part of the lore and yet once I have mermaid sex in the book, I cross a mythical line on the deck. That would be the point where readers expect Captain Long John Cock and singing pirates.

(Pirates did sing chanties and I plan to have some in the book, but you know what I mean)

Suspension of belief in porn is a funny thing. By funny I really mean it is a pain in the ass. Perfect tits can break suspension or they can make a story. Simultaneous orgasms can make readers roll their eyes or cinch the moment in their memory for the rest of their lives. It is a question of taste, style and execution and sometimes it can be just plain dumb luck. I have written stories about clone women fighting giant lobsters and it was the improper gun safety that one reader complained about. You can’t predict these things and if you try to head off every possible problem you can go insane.

Which is what makes writing such an adventure sometimes. Even when you write about zombies, witches and mad scientists, you don’t have automatic license to throw in a ship swallowing whale. You have to make that judgment with every story you do. If you do include the fantastic, you have to see how it fits with the rest of the story. Just like perfect cocks and buoyant tits, they might sound great but they don’t fit with everything. I wish I had a hard and fast anwser or guide to refer to but the truth is that you just start to develop a sense over time. It doesn’t feel right to add mermaids to my book so I probably won’t. Only you can tell if weird shit is right for your story.

Pirates however, are always okay.

Fiction: The Three Pirate Captains

Jan 272010
 

Once upon a time there was a beautiful Island. It was filled with many great treasures. Oyster Bay was overflowing with pearls. The old volcano regularly belched forth not lava, but gold nuggets. The very trees themselves grew many rare and exotic spices. The wealth of the island allowed the Island King to spoil his Island Princess in many extravagant ways.

The Island Princess herself was the greatest treasure. She was the most beautiful Princess in the world. She had long black color the color of the night sky. Her breasts were as plentiful as grandest pineapple. The color of her skin was the same as rich Island chocolate. Never had such a gorgeous Princess ever been born before.

She was so beautiful in fact that her father refused to allow her to sunbathe naked in public. The last time she did; three island villagers fainted from the pure glory of it. To accommodate her father’s wishes and prevent fainting spells on the Island, the Island Princess would go to the far side of the Island to sunbathe. There she would strip down naked and stretch herself out on the pristine sand.

One day while the Island Princess was sunbathing, a terrible pirate ship came to distant side of the Island. The ship was known as ‘The Ass-Fucker’ and it was the most dreaded ship on the seven seas. It used to be captained by the great woman pirate, Bloody Penolope, but she passed away. Now she left the ship to her three sons who co-captain the ship together.

You may think it odd that three brothers would be co-captains on the same ship but you didn’t know their mother. Bloody Penelope ruled her children with an iron fist and a firm leather boot. She made all three of them swear a vow to share all treasure equally and to never lie to one another. It was on this promise that the three brothers were able to keep their ship and their successful careers as marauders of the ocean.

So when the three brothers found the wonderful island, their first thought was to plunder it equally. They could tell from their spyglasses how beautiful the island was but not until they landed on the beach did they realize just how perfect it was. Why, the sand itself was quite valuable in certain aquariums around the world!

The three pirate Captains walked on the beach and made their plans.

“I shall scout the beach to the west!” snarled Captain Big Cock Chuck.

“I shall search the forest in front of our skiff!” growled Captain Bigger Cock Dirk.

“I shall search the beach to the east!” sneered Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank.

And so the three pirates split up. Now it just so happened that the Island Princess was sunbathing in a little cove to the west of their landing skiff. The sun’s rays were baking her body to an even shade of glorious brown. The gentle waves of the ocean splashed against the fragile sands of the cove. Because it was so quiet and restful, the Island Princess could hear the swearing pirate, Captain Big Cock Chuck long before he reached her.

Because she was quite bored, she decided to see what the fuss with the pirate was. She could tell he was a pirate because he had an eye patch, a big hat and shiny buckles on his boots. Better yet, she could tell from his tight pants that he was very well armed indeed.

“Ahoy, Pirate!” the Island Princess cried.

“Holy shit,” the Captain said. “She is plum stark nakers! Who are you, lass? I am Captain Big Cock Chuck!”

The Island princess liked the sound of that name. “I am the Princess of this Island. What are your intentions here, Captain Big Cock Chuck?”

“We are going to steal all the pearls out of oyster bay! We are going to mine the gold out of your old volcano! We are going to have dirty sex with your men and womenfolk depending on the sexual orientation of our individual crewmembers!”

“Oh my!” the Island Princess said. “I assume I am to be violated as well?”

Captain Big Cock Chuck leered at her with his one good eye. “Aye! Me and my brothers will do you something special!”

The Island Princess blushed with imminent humiliation. “All three of you? How terrible!”

The Captain chuckled at her terror. His chuckles died as she crawled over to him in the sand. She got up on her knees and looked at him with her beautiful eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t want to use me terribly right now?” the Island Princess asked.

“Uh, well, you see, I can’t,” he replied. “My brothers and I swore an oath we did. Share and share equally so help us God.”

The Island Princess leaned back. She presented her sex for his questing eyes. Her fingers played with her moist cove that was hidden between her thick bush of hair.

“Oh I’m sorry,” she said with a moan. “I thought you were the kind of Captain who knew how to turn a princess into a woman.”

Captain Big Cock Chuck looked down at her fingers. He looked down on her large heaving bosom. He licked his lips and looked at her body as she bent backwards.

“Damn the oath!” Captain Big Cock Chuck yelled. He dropped his trousers and pulled his manhood out.

“By the volcano!” the Island Princess said. “It is a big cock!” Although in truth, the Island Princess had seen bigger.

“Damn right!” he said.

Captain Big Cock Chuck dropped down on her nude body. The Island Princess happily fell on her back and opened her legs for him. She grabbed her ankles and spread herself very wide and since she was a princess, it was a very wide spread indeed.

The Captain sunk his cock into her. He was surprised when she took every inch of his monstrous cock. He was more surprised when she beamed the biggest smile at him.

“Don’t hold back on me,” the Island Princess said. “Make me a woman before your brothers have me!”

Captain Big Cock Chuck obeyed. He fucked the Island Princess on the beach like a man two years at sea. In and out, he pounded away at her sex like a cannon barrage. He watched every bounce of her magnificent breasts as he fucked. He couldn’t believe how the Island Princess kept holding on to her ankles the entire time.

“That’s royalty for you,” he said to himself. “A real lady keeps her legs open when a man is working.”

It had been so long since he had a woman all to himself, he made sure to enjoy every thrust inside her wonderful cunt. In time he finally climaxed. Captain Big Cock Chuck released his seed inside her with a pirate’s yell.

One minute later, he was fast asleep on the beach.

Now you would think the Island Princess would use this lucky nap as a chance to go back to her people. She could warn her father so they could prepare a counter-attack. She could run to the Island Witch and watch her cast a big spell to sink the pirates.

You would be wrong. An Island Princess takes care of her own problems. Especially if there is cock involved.

The Island Princess walked in the direction that Captain Big Cock Chuck came from. She found the skiff he landed on and she saw the other two sets of footprints. She decided to go into the woods first.

It wasn’t hard to track the second pirate. He chopped down bushes, pushed over slow moving monkeys and carved dirty words into the trees. Eventually she found the second Captain sitting on a fallen log and resting his one good leg. His other leg was a big firm peg leg.

The Island Princess stumbled over a branch in a very dramatic manner. She landed right in front of the pirate with her ass high up in the air. When she looked up at him, she screamed in terror.

“Ah!” she cried. “Who are you?”

“I am Captain Bigger Cock Dirk!” the pirate bragged,

“Are you going to grope my breasts and molest my mouth?” the Island Princess whimpered. “Are you going to take away my innocence with a savage fucking of my face? Are you going to make me swallow every drop?”

Captain Bigger Cock Dirk groaned. “Well, I plan to lass as soon as I take you back to my brothers. We share everything!”

The Island Princess let out a sigh of relief. “Oh goodness. I thought I was about to be disgraced by a pirate but I see now you are as tame as a land dwelling sales clerk.”

The fierce Captain let out a roar of indignation. “I’ll show you who’s tame!”

The Island Princess squealed as the Captain stood on his peg leg and pulled down his pants. Out came a kraken of cock, already engorged with lust.

“By the volcano!” the Island Princess said. “It really is a bigger cock!” Although in truth, the Island Princess had seen bigger.

Captain Bigger Cock Dirk barked a nasty laugh as he grabbed the Island Princess by the hair. He rammed his cock at her mouth at full speed. He was surprised when not only did she part her full lips for his cock, but she had no trouble taking every bit of his massive weapon. She even had enough room left over to stick her tongue out of her mouth and lick his balls!

The lusty Captain was amazed as the Island Princess didn’t need him to hold her head. She moved up and down his cock like a seaport whore working for breakfast. He reached down and grabbed a handful of her magnificent breasts. No matter how hard he squeezed, the Island Princess didn’t slow down a bit.

Captain Bigger Cock Dirk had a momentary flash of doubt. It was wrong of him to take this woman without his brothers. He realized that he should stop her now before it was too late. Unfortunately for the Captain, the Island Princess was looking up him with her big brown eyes. With his cock still in her mouth, she smiled at him.

Captain Bigger Cock Dirk climaxed like a cannon blast. His peg leg shook as he tried to keep his balance. The Island Princess clung to his cock and swallowed down every drop. He was a Captain after all.

“Oh lass, that was good,” the tired Captain said. The Island Princess helped him sit back down on the log. “You wore me down.”

Twenty seconds later, Captain Bigger Cock Dirk was snoring on the log.

The Island Princess licked his seed from her lips and went back to the beach. There she found another pirate Captain waiting by the skiff. He looked to be the most dangerous of them all. He had two hook hands and a lack of a shirt to show off the naughty tattoo of a mermaid on his chest. Like his brothers, he wore very tight pants that revealed a very impressive bulge.

“Hello!” the Island Princess called out. “Are you a friendly sailor come to sunbathe on the beach?”

The lusty pirate looked at the Island Princess’s nude body. He ran a hook through his thick beard.

“No, pretty lass!” he yelled. “I’m Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank and I will make you my wench!”

The Island Princess kept walking towards the pirate. Her hips swayed with every step on the soft sand. Her long black hair whipped behind her in the wind.

“Oh no!” the Island Princess said. “Are you going to make me wrap my big breasts around your cock till you shower me with your dirty seed?”

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank shook his head. “Nay, I have to share you with my brothers. We will wait till they get back.”

The Island Princess pouted. “You mean you won’t make me take your big cock in my mouth and suck you till you come?”

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank shook his head. “I promised my dear old mom to share and share alike.”

The Island Princess stood before him. The sun shone down on the sweat on her body and gave her a bright shine. “You mean you won’ bend me over and fuck me in the ass like a real scoundrel?”

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank bit his lip. “Well, maybe just a little bit.”

“Oh please be careful!” the Island Princess said as she threw herself over the side of the skiff. She reached behind and cupped her round ass.

“I have never been fucked there before,” she lied.

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank laughed as she dropped his pants. He took his galleon sized cock and placed it at the tip of her ass.

“By the volcano!” the Island Princess yelled. “That is a fucking big cock!” she said and this time she was telling the truth.

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank pushed inside her tight ass. The Island Princess groaned as her bottom was slowly opened wider and wider. Her toes dug into the sand and her hands clenched the wooden skiff for dear life. She gritted her teeth until he was finally completely inside her.

That’s when Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank started to fuck her. His hooks scratched her back as his hips increased to ramming speed. The sound of her ass being slapped by his thighs drowned out the roar of the ocean waves. The Captain was ruthless as he plundered her booty.

The Island Princess moaned as she was mauled in such a thorough manner. Her nipples grew hard and her sex flowed with desire. She reached between her legs and within two strokes; she climaxed with a delicate scream of passion.

The scream was enough to send Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank into bliss. His cock burst forth and filled her ass with his seed. The Captain trembled as he felt the Island Princess’s ass clench hard around his spurting member.

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank slid out of her ass with a satisfied grin on his face. He sat down beside the skiff and fell asleep in five seconds. He enjoyed a wonderful dream about a girl dancing under the moon when he was rudely awakened by a kick to the chest.

Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank awoke to see his two brothers standing before him. They both had a strange look on their faces. It was something like content on their faces.

“What are you doing sleeping with your pants down?” Captain Big Cock Chuck said.

“Arr. and why do you have that goofy look on your face?” Captain Bigger Cock Dirk said.

“I have a goofy look?” roared Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank. “You two looked like you did when we fucked our first damsel.”

Captain Big Cock Chuck’s face turned red with anger. “You fucked an Island girl by yourself! I know it!”

“Oh?” Captain Bigger Cock dirk said. “And how would you happen you know that pray tell?”

“Like you wouldn’t know!” snapped Captain Fucking Big Cock Hank. “It is as plain on your face that you know exactly what that is like!”

The three brothers squabbled and swore at each other. They got back in the skiff and rowed back to their ship, swearing never to work together again. They eventually returned to the mainland where each of them took over a major telecommunications company and they still wage their feud to this day.

As for the Island Princess, she watched all of their fighting from the trees nearby. When they had safely sailed away, the Island Princess went back to the beach and stretched out on the soft sand. She watched the sun set on the ship as it sailed away.

The Island Princess reached down between her legs and idly played with her sex. Today it was pirates, yesterday it was resort developers and tomorrow it might be armed contractors looking to liberate the island from royal rule. It didn’t matter. The Island Princess would do anything to protect her home.

Especially if it means she gets to fuck a lot.

Scarlett Drake Commission by Alex Dai

Sep 102008
 

This commission was done for me by Alex Dai. I had his site bookmarked for close to a year but it wasn’t till recently that I broke down and bought a commission from him. He has a naughty style that I just love. When I decided to get a commission of one of my favorite characters, I knew he would be perfect for it.

Scarlett Drake is a character of mine that is roughly 15 years old. I first used her as a villain in a superhero campaign I ran and she was everyone’s favorite. She was a high tech genius with a pirate fetish. So, she had a flying galleon, a laser sword and crewmen who dressed up like pirates, but she suffered from seasickness and had an inappropriate relationship with an underage guy she called ‘Cabin Boy’. My players loved her because there was something both cool and a little lame about her. She was a fangirl and she was a bad ass.

I recycled the character off and on until City of Villains came out and she was my first character for the game. She was a Robots/Traps Mastermind, which meant her crew was made of robots and she had high tech gear designed to hurt people. I lost so many hours playing her. In fact, I enjoyed her so much, that I wrote a blog told from her point of view.

When I first started Erotiterrorist, I often had no idea what to write about. The blog floundered till I got the idea to write Scarlett’s blog. After writing her for a few months with literally no one reading me, I developed the semi daily discipline needed to blog. It takes a different mindset to blog and it was easier to devolp that mindset from a fictional character’s point of view rather than my own. So in a round about way, Scarlett Drake is why you’re reading this blog today.

Scarlett’s blog was about being a supervillian. She fought other characters of my creation and hardest of all, there was no sex. Well, she had sex, but it was a very PG blog. I think I just wanted to stretch myself and at the same time, not require myself to write sex. I limited myself to just writing about crimes and fights and it was a lot of fun. Eventually though I started to feel constrained. I always wondered if I could write non-sex stories and I had proven I could but I also proved to myself that I didn’t want to. After six months, I had to write erotica again.

I quit City of Heroes when I divorced but lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the characters I made. I don’t miss the game itself, I miss the characters I made to inhabit the game. Humiliatrix, Frost Sting and Johnny Mars are all characters that I am proud of for their stories and their personalities. I am most likely going to start writing about them but I wonder about my readers sometimes. Most people know me from my normal world BDSM stories and here I am writing about mad scientists and volleyball tournaments. I wonder if writing superhero porn might be just a smidge too geeky.

Oh well. If a story pops into my head, it’s not like I will have a choice.

Fiction: Lucky John and the Ladies of Port Royale

Sep 192007
 

Lucky John loved Port Royale like a Spaniard loved thumbscrews. It was a very bad town for very bad men. It was a pirate town, from it’s blood soaked streets up to it’s four story high brothels. After a long voyage of pillage and plunder, there was no better place to spend your ill-gotten gains.

Unfortunately for Lucky John, that was yesterday. He and the rest of the crew had blown their money on beer, pussy and tobacco. Normally they would ship out when the money ran out but Captain Three-Legs was still fucking through his share of the treasure and wouldn’t be done till the morning. That meant sorry poor crewmen like Lucky John had to kill time dead broke in a city of sin. That didn’t bother Lucky John much. It gave him time to practice his charm.

He passed a washwoman struggling with her load of laundary.

“Excuse me Miss,” Lucky John said. “Would you mind cleaning my drawers too, after you wash my cock with your mouth?”

Her arms were full but her legs were stout and healthy. She almost kicked him in the valuables but Lucky John twisted enough so that her powerful leg only bruised the shit out of his thigh.

“Right, fair enough,” Lucky John stummled along.

He came across a wench with an ass so perfectly fit, The Dutch would have insured it.

“Excuse me, Miss,” Lucky John said. “I just wanted to say that your arse is a pretty treasure and I wouldn’t mind burying some of my own treasure in it.”

The woman’s ass was fine but her hands were finer. She unleashed a broadside on his cheek with the flat of her hand. Lucky John spun around from the force of the blow like a compass on Halloween.

“Right, fair enough,” Lucky John said through the non stingy part of his mouth.

Battered and stumbling, Lucky John found himself outside the Shaky Plank. Coming out of the bar was the bustiest woman he had ever seen. She had tits the size of barrels and they barely stayed within her bodice.

“Excuse me Miss,” Lucky John said. “If I had your twin moons to guide me, my ship would never be lost at sea.”

The busty wench blinked. Lucky John leaned a little to the right so she would kick his good leg. He also closed his mouth so he wouldn’t bit his tongue if she punched him.

“Thank you so much!” the top heavy lass said. “My husband said I was too fat and he ran off with some skinny bitch! What’s your name?”

Lucky John slipped an arm around the busty wench and gave her tit a squeeze. “Truth be told, I am so hot and thirsty, I have forgotten my own name.”

“Well let me buy you a drink,” the wench said as grabbed his hip. “And you can talk about my moons some more.”

Across the street sat two of Lucky John’s crew mates. Young Stumpy and Bald Frank leaned against a wall, both very sober and very unhappy. They saw Lucky John come around the corner, walk up to a total stranger and slip his arm around the lass. They watched in amazement as Lucky John and the curvy wench go into a bar. Young Stumpy felt tears rise to his eye as he saw the wobbly shake of the woman’s assets.

“God damn them all,” Bald Frank wailed. “Lucky John always has it easy!”

Pirate Week: The End

Jun 012007
 

Pirate Week draws to an end with a very pretty end provided by my wife. I hope we all learned something from this week of piracy. I hope you learned to make your own luck. I hope you can help a cabin boy fuck his first whore. I hope you found your way to the Cleavage Islands. Most of all, I hope you had some silly fun.

Fiction: The Confession of Lucky John

May 302007
 

“Looks like your luck has finally run out, Lucky John,” Captain Mangebeard said. The crew laughed at this statement of the obvious. It wasn’t a funny joke but bloodlust can make the simplest things hilarious.

Lucky John nodded in agreement. This was pretty bad. His hands were bound behind his back, his boots were loaded with old biscuits and his pants had been doused in fish blood. This was not how he wanted to take a long dive off a short plank. As for the plank, it was already bending from his weight. Down below in the warm waters, he was pretty sure he saw the fin of a shark. The only bit of land to be seen was too far to swim to and a complete unknown even if he could get there. This was as bad as things could get but then again, they didn’t call him Lucky John just because he had never picked up the French pox.

“Come on boys,” Lucky John said. “We’re brothers of the sea. Can’t you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

To read more, click Whole Post

“Forgive you?” Captain Mangebeard yelled. “You had my father’s compass stashed away in your pack! That was the only thing he ever gave me and you stole it!”

“You had my good dagger stashed in your boot!” Itchy Nuts Ned said.

“You had a bottle of good rum in your bunk, when everyone thought we had drunk the last of it a month ago!” Salty Rob said.

“You always snore and swear you don’t!” yelled Good-Ears Charlie. “What? He does and that pisses me off!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” Lucky John said. The plank creaked under his weight as he wobbled above the water. “It is clear that I have wronged you. Although we are all vicious pirates who once spent a wonderful afternoon making Spaniards die a slow death, I see now that I may have gone a bit too far.”

“That was a good afternoon,” Salty Rob said. The crew agreed.

“Right, but don’t let that pleasant memory sway you,” Lucky John said. “I have been a bad crewmate, and this certain death is a just reward. I only wonder though if you could indulge me before I meet my maker. I would like a chance to confess my sins. Although I have never sat in a pew a day in my life, I find myself getting a sudden craving for religion.”

The crew muttered among themselves. They were a band of dirty nasty cutthroats who would bugger their grandfather for a bottle of rum, but they were religious boys. A man shouldn’t die a drowning shark biting death without a chance to save his immortal soul. Besides, one day they themselves will face the Lord’s judgment and it might help their cause if they can say they once helped Lucky John save his soul.

“It’s only right,” Captain Mangebeard said. “Confess your sins, Lucky John and may God have mercy on your damned soul before he commits you to the eternal hellfire you deserve.”

Lucky John looked out to sea. When he looked back at the crew he had once called brothers, the sadness in his eyes was gone. The chance to unload all of his secrets had actually brought a smile to his sea chapped lips.

“Let’s see,” Lucky John said. “Dear Captain it is my sad duty to inform you that when last we were in Port Royale, your wife gave me a send off that I know for a fact lasted an hour longer than yours did. I know this because she said me your stamina was as long as the tiny dagger you call a cock.”

“I wouldn’t snicker if I were you, Salty Rob,” Lucky John said. “I buggered your wife too, as well as Fred’s, Tommy and Bart. They were all fine lasses but really guys, you need to spend more time with them. A kind smile and a saucy word was all that was needed to part their legs. Itchy Ned, I didn’t fuck your wife for obvious reasons, but I fucked her mouth and her ass, and not in that order.”

The crew muttered darkly but they let Lucky John continue. Despite his perilous situation Lucky John was getting into it. He bounced a little on the plank as he kept talking.

“Well, this feels good. Remember the virgin daughter of the governor we kidnapped and returned with her virtue intact? Well, she didn’t exactly go back with her treasures untouched if you get my meaning. Aye, I knew we all swore to not touch her but the pretty lass begged me seven times and I am ashamed to say I gave in seven times as well. It probably ain’t safe for you to go back to Martinique.”

“Parrot Pete? Your parrot didn’t fly away; I took him to the hat maker. There was this beautiful Spanish whore with the biggest tits you ever saw, and she wanted a hat made of feathers. I know he was your lifelong companion but by Christ I swear her tits were bigger than cannonballs. She was worth every feather let me tell you.”

“One Leg Larry, your last leg wasn’t stolen by street urchins while you were asleep like I told you. I stole your leg and used it as a dildo on a rather deep whore in Trinidad. I made her a bet I could reach her deepest waters so to speak and for winning that wager, I had her three daughters. I guess I could have cut you in for a share of the wenches but it had been two months since I fucked three wenches at one time.”

“What else? That missing cask of Amontillado? Sold it to a whorehouse in St. Kitts for an all night orgy. The pearl necklace we hung Hook Hand for stealing? I gave it to a whore in Monserrat in exchange for letting me give her another pearl necklace of a more personal sort. Oh, and the bag of emeralds? Sold to whores and I can’t quite remember who or what but rest easy boys in the knowledge that I fucked the Hell out of them.”

Lucky John stood taller despite the wobble of the plank. “This does feel good. I see why the bloody Catholics like this confessing business! What else can I remember?”

“Eric, I put my dick in your mum and I’m sorry about that because she wasn’t as nearly as good as she promised she would be.

“Manny, I am the one who shot my spunk in your fine French shirt but honestly it was a slow week of wenching so you can’t blame me.”

“Oh, and remember Dandy Dan? Well his real name was really Dana and he was a she, I swear to God. She ran off to be a pirate and kept her gender a secret. I found out her secret and I should have told you lads but damn, she had the prettiest cunt of any wench I had ever seen. I kept her to myself and we used to fuck every night in the crow’s nest. I feel really bad about that boys because she used to say she wouldn’t mind servicing the entire ship. I was a little too jealous to let her do that though and for that I am real sorry. She left when her belly began to bulge and now you know why Dandy Dan decided to dessert us when we reached Jamaica.”

Lucky John paused and looked back out to sea. “Sorry about all that. I think my soul is purged now.”

“How the fuck did you do all that?” Captain Mangebeard said. “How the fuck did you betray us, steal from us and in Dandy Dan’s case, fuck us without even a hint of remorse?”

Lucky John shrugged. “Just lucky I guess.”

He jumped off the plank before the crew could rush him. He sank into the water with barely a splash. Knives, spit and a cutlass fell into the water around him as the crew gave him their own version of absolution.

“See? See? That’s what I was talking about!” Captain Mangebeard yelled. “God, what a dick! I only wish we could kill him again!”

The crew muttered in agreement and went back to the business of sailing. They hoisted sails, swabbed decks and talked about that bastard Lucky John whose luck seemed to come off the sweat of other men. Some of them wondered if Lucky John had told them every sin, while the others tried to remember if Lucky John had meet their daughters, mothers and wives. All of them however wondered if there was a way to get Lucky John’s luck.

The crew was too busy to notice a certain bastard break the surface of the water. Lucky John’s rope was cut and gone, freed with the help of a hastily thrown knife. A stunned shark floated nearby, not used to having a cutlass rammed down its throat. Within an easy swim lied an island shore that was much closer now than it was before Lucky John’s speech. Confession did little for Lucky John’s soul, but it did wonders for the distance he needed to swim.

Lucky John began his lazy swim. He didn’t know anything about the island and he had no idea if he would survive the night but that was okay. Lucky John realized long ago that luck wasn’t something that happened to someone. Luck was something you took and when it came to taking, few people were as eager to take what they want as Lucky John.

 Older Entries