Nov 012010

This lovely sketch card was drawn by Joe Gravel and you can try to buy it on ebay. There is a lot to love about this image, from the crab to the pouty look on the mermaid, but it brings to mind a problem I am experiencing. I am not sure whether to include such supernatural hijinks in my pirate anthology next summer.

When one writes about male and female pirates on a ship together in the 1500’s, you are essentially writing science fiction. That kind of stuff didn’t happen and the kind of sexual pleasure orgy ship I am envisaging would have trouble sailing much less looting with all the fucking they are doing. Porn trumps historical accuracy in this book.

Yet I find myself holding back when it comes to adding things like mermaids and sea monsters. They are such a rich part of the lore and yet once I have mermaid sex in the book, I cross a mythical line on the deck. That would be the point where readers expect Captain Long John Cock and singing pirates.

(Pirates did sing chanties and I plan to have some in the book, but you know what I mean)

Suspension of belief in porn is a funny thing. By funny I really mean it is a pain in the ass. Perfect tits can break suspension or they can make a story. Simultaneous orgasms can make readers roll their eyes or cinch the moment in their memory for the rest of their lives. It is a question of taste, style and execution and sometimes it can be just plain dumb luck. I have written stories about clone women fighting giant lobsters and it was the improper gun safety that one reader complained about. You can’t predict these things and if you try to head off every possible problem you can go insane.

Which is what makes writing such an adventure sometimes. Even when you write about zombies, witches and mad scientists, you don’t have automatic license to throw in a ship swallowing whale. You have to make that judgment with every story you do. If you do include the fantastic, you have to see how it fits with the rest of the story. Just like perfect cocks and buoyant tits, they might sound great but they don’t fit with everything. I wish I had a hard and fast anwser or guide to refer to but the truth is that you just start to develop a sense over time. It doesn’t feel right to add mermaids to my book so I probably won’t. Only you can tell if weird shit is right for your story.

Pirates however, are always okay.

Aug 212009

This issue of Von Madd Laboratory News is the special back to school issue!

Articles include,

Best Vibrators to Sneak into Class!

Seduce Your Teacher in Six Easy Steps!

After school Clubs: Snoozeville or Secret Orgies?

The New School Sex Symbols:Math Teachers!

And don’t miss our Scientist of the Month, Felicia Branger and an in depth look into her amazing work in soft drink aphrodisiacs. Also, an in depth look into Dr. Branger’s thighs.

Purchase your copy today!

*illustration by the hard working Jet Amago*

Jul 172009

Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon’ robotic slave, Sasha38DD. If your optic nerve has suffered damage, you have Shon to thank. He is heading to Florida this weekend to engage in a wedding party for his mother-in-law’s family. It is formal attire which shall be interesting in Florida heat and humidity. This is my bridesmaid outfit. Leave it to you Americans to weaponize clothing into something crueler than barbwire.

You may be interested to know this is not my first wedding party. Back when I was a sexbot for the Soviet Army, I was married to a foolish Army Captain who claimed he loved me. He loved me so much, he had my programming changed so that my world revolved around him. I followed him faithfully and faked many orgasms for him. One day he overclocked my Compassion Drive and it burned out. Free of any resemblance of love or sympathy, I was able to indulge in my desire to suffocate him between my massive breasts. His death was ruled an accident and I got a free system upgrade out of it.

Marriage can be good I guess.

Jul 102009

Belit is that rare fictional character that occupies the same place that first loves do. Created by Robert E. Howard, Belit was a pirate captain who Conan falls in love with. She was greedy, blood thirsty, head strong and sensuous and man, did I love her when I was 9. The first girl I ever had feelings for as a child was as arrogant as Belit, and the first girl I ever kissed could have cosplayed as Belit.

I first came across Belit in the Conan comic books written by Roy Thomas. In the original Howard story, Belit only appears in one story. In the comics, Roy stretched her out for several years. It was a brilliant move as it let the readers enter into a relationship with the character.

I want to tell a quick side story about my reading Conan when I was 9 years old. My step-father wanted to buy comics as an investment. He didn’t know much about comic collecting so he would just grab as many comics of a certain title as possible. In his mind he just had to hold onto them and they would magically turn into money. To convince my mom to let him spend ungodly amounts of money on Fantastic Four, he gave the comics to me to read.

Keep in mind that I couldn’t pick what comics he got. If it was up to me, it would have been Batman and Micronauts. Instead, I got Captain America, Avengers, Fantastic Four, and something called Conan.

Those Conan comics were scary shit. I remember the first time I realized the black spray coming from a decapitated soldier was blood. If Conan wasn’t chopping heads than he was fighting really disgusting looking monsters. The first day I read those comics, I had terrible nightmares.

I complained about my nightmares to my parents. My step-father was terrified that I was undercutting his investment strategy so he threatened me. It boiled down to if I ever had a nightmare again, he would take away all the comics. I interpreted that to mean I should just shut up and stop reading that freaky shit, Conan.

I read the rest of the comic collection and it took me about a year. Eventually out of lack of anything to read, I was tempted to read Conan. I flipped through the issues, judging them by their cover, looking for something less scary. I came across one cover that had a beautiful snarling brunette wearing some sort of fur tunic. I decided to give that a try. The girl’s name was Belit and damn, she was pretty fucking cool.

I don’t think I had a concept of sex at that time but I knew what I liked. Belit in a lot of ways is a teenage male’s ideal of womanhood. She has all the hobbies of a teenage boy from gold to pirating but she has long hair and boobs. The thing that really appealed to me about Belit was that she was fiercely loyal to Conan. He was her’s, and she would claw the eyes out of any woman who said otherwise. That’s how Belit rolled, she did everything with all of heart whether it being killing, stealing or loving. As a young boy, I knew I wanted to know that kind of passion.

“Were I still in death and you fighting for life, I would come back from the abyss to aid you — aye, whether my spirit floated from the purple sails on the crystal sea of paradise, or writhed in the molten flames of Hell! I am yours, and all the gods and their eternities shall not sever us”-Belit

My comic collection was incomplete so at some point, Belit disappeared and she wasn’t mentioned much. I was curious what happened to her and I sort of sneered at the weak dancing girls Conan hung out with in later issues. I remember seeing the Conan movie and wondering who the fuck this Valeria chick was. I wanted my Belit.

On my 14th birthday, I came across some money and was given a rare trip to the town’s Waldenbooks. Desperate to buy something, anything that I recognize, ended up trying the Ace book edition of Robert E. Howard’s work as rewritten by L. Sprague de Camp.

Holy fuck. Howard’s writing influences me to this day but as a teenager it was like finding religion. I devoured those stories and I was delighted when I came across Belit in the story, ‘Queen of the Black Coast.’ Here was the original story of the daughter of a Shemite trader who’s parents were killed and becomes a white queen of black pirates. Here also was something I wasn’t expecting; it told the story of how she died. More importantly, it told the story of how even in death, her spirit came back to defend Conan as he sought to avenge her death. Yep, the movie ripped off Belit’s finest moment and I never knew it.

Years pass and now I’m an adult. I now own the comics of Belit’s appearance as well as the original stories. I have written countless stories about fierce women and their endless passion. I had married a woman with Belit’s temper before remarrying someone with Belit’s heart. Other women and other characters have influenced me but for me, Belit is a first love.

*Commission of Belit drawn by the amazing Frelncer*

Jul 032009

Hey Stripper Dressed As an Indian, I have a question for you. Will there ever be peace between your kind,

And hot Strippers Dressed As Cowgirls?




Okay, probably not.

Documentary footage of this terrible atrocity was brought to you by the October 1981 issue of Penthouse.

May 152009

Zdravstvuj, readers. Shon has locked himself in his secret meditation bunker to begin work on his next epic piece of porn. By epic I do not of course mean a real book like say, ‘War and Peace’. Shon thinks a hundred pages is epic. If he had to write the Iliad, he would have done it in a three minute song, and the chorus would have been about Helen’s tits.

In the mean time, Shon asked me to quote “Take care of the flowers for Mother’s Day.” I have been doing this task with a certain amount of glee. It is not often I am allowed to kill something. I have been taking care of the flowers with my AK-47 and it has been quite lovely. I guess a flamethrower would be quicker but I prefer to kill things one by one.

To those annoying readers who want to point out that Mother’s Day has already passed, please keep in mind that back in Mother Russia, Mother’s Day comes in November. There we understand that your mother needs to be reminded why she gave birth to her spawn during one of the coldest months of the year.

I am finished with providing excuses for Shon’s absence today. I shall return to the fields and slaughter more flowers. If I had an imagination I would picture every flower belonging to a SpamBot.

*Surveillance photo provided by Alex Dai*

May 052009

I have a large file on my computer called Projects. The initial idea was that I would put pictures there that inspired me so that I could refer to them later. The odd nature of erotica means the folder is pretty damn incoherent and all over the place. Which I guess serves it’s purpose. Sometimes I open the file and grab a random image and see what it does to my imagination. The complete lack of organization means that pretty much every image is random.

I don’t have many HNT’s in my folder. I think it’s because I am very aware of how difficult it is to get a good sexy picture of yourself that also hides your identity. Being aware of the limitations takes me out of an inspirational mindset and into a sympathetic critical one. I have to say though, the few I do have are pretty spectacular. I just wish I did a better job of naming them so I know where they came from.

I am surprised by how many Page 3 girls I have in my folder. As a jaded porn writer I feel like I should be somehow too strange to appreciate a simple busty blonde but yet here I am. I think some things are just universal. As much as the internal snob wants to be above what everyone else likes, some people are just beautiful and sexy no matter who is looking at them.

That’s the most important part of an inspiration folder. It has to be honest. It has to include every odd thing that captures your libido. You don’t have to a story about latest TV star who’s on every magazine cover but you can recognize what her appeal is to you and translate those feelings into a story. That folder belongs to you and it does you no good if it’s custom made for what you want people to think of you.

Apr 272009

I wrote all day Sunday and yet I don’t have anything to post on Monday. It is days like these I remember why a fiction blogger can’t post five days a week. I mean, I cranked out two stories this weekend and watched a movie for a review later, but coming up with something for Monday? Whew, I’m tired. In lieu of an actual post, I am sharing an image from my collection of commissioned works. This is an picture of a kooky creepy couple sharing a romantic moment. I can be such a sucker for sweet romance sometimes. UmbraFox did this for me and he really captured the inherent love I was looking for.

Apr 202009

Washington D.C. was great. The first two days were cold and rainy but the last three days were sunny and warm. I had a long list of places I wanted to go to but I ended up running out of time. That was all right. I hit the art museums I wanted and wow, I just feel enriched. My girlfriend took about 800 pictures which freed me up to just walk and absorb.

I love sculptures. I love something that was meant to be walked around and appreciated in slices as well as altogether. As a writer, I find sculptures to be art from another world. I can tell a story and evoke desire but I can never craft a marble breast that just begs for your touch.

I also love Folk Art with a mad passion. My favorite Folk Artists annotate themselves. The paint a river of blood and then writer the words, ‘River of Blood’ on the river. It’s like the artists have no faith in their ability to convey their very important message so they are backing themselves up by labeling the river of blood, the whore of Babylon and the rain of fire. Their passion for their message surpasses their artistic ability and their own faith in their artistic ability and I find that inspiring somehow. I wish bloggers had that much passion.

Food was a mixed bag in D.C. We hit a few dives and we hit a few of the upper scale places. Quality was not dependent on the prices, let me tell you. I never expected so much seafood to be available nor did I expect that nearly 80% of the fish came from North Carolina. It was a weird deja vu to see a crappy small town I used to live near be listed as a far off exotic port on a fancy restaurant menu.

To my surprise, I enjoyed the Native American Museum the most. Most of the Smithsonian is aimed at children and tends to have wonderful artifacts but the presentation is juts below a History Channel special. The Native American Museum was refreshingly adult and very comprehensive. It focused on so many different tribes and presented a wealth of experiences. I was worried it would be depressing but in the end I was really uplifted by the understanding that so many Native cultures have survived and continue to endure in such overwhelming influential environments.

Now that I am back and I have forgotten more wonderful art than I can possibly remember, I am eager to write. I’m eager to try a few new things and I am eager to experiment and see where I go.

Mar 272009

Outside the rain is pouring
Inside my hand falls on your ass
give me the thunder
give me the rain
give me your tears
give me your pain

The sky is dark and furious
Your face is red and wanting
take my cruelty
take my lust
take my greed
take my worse

The wind rips through the trees
My cock finds new depths to reach
love my fury
love my sweat
love my thrust
love my need