Mar 142012

The United States is remarkable for having the largest concentration of alien abductions. The second largest concentration is Wales for reasons no one understands or wants to understand. There are many questions of why aliens are fond of the United States, and more specifically the countrysides of the country where there is no one for hundreds of miles except for a few country boys and girls trying to have fun.

It has come to the Farmer’s Daughter’s attention that most alien abductions are just lies. While some of them are true—in the Farmer’s Daughter’s experience—most are a thinly concealed lie to cover up inappropriate behavior from one’s spouse or parents.

When you think about it, saying aliens abducted you is a lot easier than saying you were being plowed by the well-hung boy down the street. Or that your breath smells because you pulled a pussy train for two hours on the triplets across town. For starters, the spouse or parent in question doesn’t immediately grab the nearest shotgun and go have a “talk” with the boy or girl of topic. It also prevents you from going down to the sheriff’s station to identify your spouse or parent in a lineup. And, if things went poorly, taking a detour after that to identify a body.

No, claiming aliens abducted you has the dual benefits of avoiding filling up the gas tank just to head into town and allowing you to continue enjoying the sexual activities that make up a good, healthy life. In fact, the alien lie just ensures that the sexual adventures can continue for months, or even years to come, with smart application of “flashbacks” and “mind control.” And the Farmer’s Daughter understands that flashback usually involve cameras going off while being on her back. Alien mind control comes in convenient 12 fluid ounce aluminum cans and has the rich taste of hops. At least somewhere around can six.

The story of alien “probing” comes from these lies. It makes it easier to explain unexpected wet spots as the results of an alien probe instead of getting juiced up from being licked for hours, or a generous application of lubricant. The spouse in question could also test the hole for proof that it was loosened up by a strange alien device, but we all know spouses don’t know how to butt-fuck properly to the person they are married to, so its a lie that will never been verified. If they knew how to butt-fuck, then you wouldn’t be sneaking around the preacher’s wife’s garden, would you?

The Farmer’s Daughter cautions against using the alien abduction lie too often. It is one thing to use it once, then milk it for a few years. But, if it is used every time you’re caught, then rumors get around. And with the rumors comes vans filled with hippies who want to “commune with the sky gods” and generally get in your way of sneaking around to get a bit of tail.

If caught and the alien lie has been used too often, remember that the Men in Black (or Women in Black if you like those more) are also a good excuse to explain a three night weekend in the next town over. Because everyone knows that suits are just as hot as alien probings. And the Black Suits have that handy memory erasure device…

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Mar 132012

After a year of work, the Farmer’s Daughter Almanac is finally ready for your reading. Yeah, it is like 3 months overdue and I apologize for that. I wish I could blame the cancer but my decision at the last minute to include interior art pushed the release date a bit. I am sorry for that, as well as sorry for any sexual advice you may have needed in the last three months.

What does the Almanac contain? It has amusing articles from myself, t’Sade, Daisy Danger, Derek Shannon and Daisy Connolly. It has cover art by George Sportelli and interior art by Mamabliss. It includes recommendations on who to fuck, what to avoid and what to show off for every day of the year. It has letters answered by the Farmer’s Daughter and a guide for fucking cryptids. There is some shopping advice as well as recommendations for how to get abducted by aliens.

In short, it is a book designed to make you smile no matter where you turn the page.

If you want the PDF version, you can get it for FREE at this link.

If you want the paperback version, we are selling it at COST at this link here.

Nov 112011

A terrifically talented artists has offered to do interior illustrations for the Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac at the amazingly generous price of 50$. Due to fabulous over spending at Disney, this is currently outside my meager budget. Considering that the Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac will be free as a PDF and will be sold only at cost, the art budget already was at a rather small amount, like zero.


Note, if I do not reach the 50$ amount, I will refund everyone’s money. If I come close to the 50$ amount, my own excitement will pitch in and I will pay the difference.

Aug 192011

Writing the Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. I can crank out five articles in a week and I still feel like I have hundred of pages to fill. Which I do actually. Writing a humorous erotica reference book of fictional facts means that I have no outline or plot. There is no real structure because most reference books are insane mosh pits of information. To recreate that, I have to throw out structure.

The side effect of not having structure is that I rarely feel any sort of progress. I wrote a funny as hell article about fetish farms and although I was really proud of the article, it is a fleeting feeling of accomplishment because I still have a hundred more ideas to go.

Praise the writing gods for the contributions some of you have sent in. Holy crap, when I am at my most dejected, I read through your entries and laugh. This is ultimately a book about silliness and I am so glad that others have embraced it.

This is my round about way of suggesting to you that you never ever try to write a fictional reference book. Don’t do it. It is a pain in the ass. No wait, it is like a pain in the ass with all too brief moments of orgasm. All too brief.

Paradoxically, I have a theme in mind for a different almanac for 2013. I must like the pain in the ass.

Jul 112011

The Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac is a book I plan to put out in 2012 at cost. It will feature contributions from anyone who wants to contribute and because it will be at cost, I won’t make any money and neither will the contributors. It will be fun though, right?

One thing I would like to add is recipes. This is your chance to be your own erotic Paula Dee, pornographic Julia Child or dirty minded Rachel Ray. The food itself doesn’t have to be erotic in nature. If you want to give a recipe for pasta salad, that’s fine. The running joke is that the recipes are so good that you can be forgiven major transgressions just because it tastes so good.

Example : Sorry I Fucked Your Brother Apple Pie.

I am going to excerpt a recipe from the wonderful t’Sade as a style guide

“The first step is to get all the ingredients somewhere between room temperature. Cheesecake melts together a lot better when everything is warm and pliable. When the cream cheese is as soft as a woman’s breast, get ready to turn up the heat.”

Now granted, if you are more of a reader as opposed to a writer and just want to send in your divine recipes, go right on ahead. Our team of dirty minded writers can jazz your recipe up and you still get full credit. If you don’t want your real name listed, knock yourself out and create your own sexy pseudonym. Have fun with it.

So send in your favorite recipe(s) to shon.richards at and for the love of plump asses, please put Farmer or Daughter in the subject line so I will catch it.

*image is from the marvelous Marcus Ranum

Mar 142011

Months like these I wish I had an all powerful deity to blame for my woes. Non-divine shit, I have had a rough month. We are in day 63 of Work Super Project and it should wrap up sometime in April(!) I pray for death but sweet release never comes.

In the meantime, I read and watch porn.

My own writing has dribbled into a limp parody of itself. I exhausted the last of saved stories last week. I did manage to cough up a Holly Valentine story for Wednesday due to some topical inspiration. I have to tell you, overwhelming work stress just facefucks the Muse. It is hard to get inspiration when you are gagging on Excel sheets.

One thing that I have been inspired to do is work on the Farmer’s Daughter Almanac as a book for 2012. The idea of doing an entire book was daunting but it occurred to me that if I invited other people to contribute, it wouldn’t be the massive pain that it could be. I have asked a few writers already to submit some articles and hopefully by December, I will have a full book to publish.

Because everyone is contributing, I decided we should sell the book on Lulu at cost. That way anyone who wants one can buy and no one makes a profit. It is just an exercise in creating a completely unnecessary book.

Writing a guidebook for the sex lives of farmers and farm wives has been way too much fun. The key is to not write for real farmers, but mythical farmers. The kind of farmers who worry about Bigfoots, Satan and city folks. The kind of farmers who can grow sex toys in their gardens. The kind of farmers who engage in salcious Cucumber Queen festivals. These farmers have as much to do with real farmers as the Island Princess does with Hawaii.

At this level of work stress, something as ridiculous as the Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac is a welcome relief. I love to make shit up. Coming up with a new story for the Librarians can be tricky, but coming up with a fake history for the man who spread bondage through the farmlands is as easy as apple pie.

If you would like to contribute fake articles for a fake almanac, drop me an email and I will send you the submission guidelines. You will get a writing credit and since this is porn, anonymity will be completely respected.

Feb 212011

Love is a complicated thing. Sometimes we marry our middle school sweetheart and sometimes we don’t marry at all because the men are kind of stupid. Sometimes it is more fun to fuck than to get married. The problem is that after fucking six different guys on Saturday, Reverend Busybody is preaching about you on Sunday. Or maybe Daddy gets mad and shoots one of your lovers. Or worse, Momma decides to become a MILF and steal all your boys. What’s a Farmer’s Daughter to do?

Well in the old days, women of a certain sexual healthiness would fuck in the barn. This causes all sorts of problems. For one, it scares the horses. Second, it is the first place fathers, mothers, peeping tom clergy and jealous wives look. Fucking in the barn is a lot like hiding money in your pussy, it’s the first place everyone looks.

The Farmer’s Daughter offers the following suggestions.

Cellar Hideaway: Dig a cellar and tell your family it’s for tornadoes. This will allow you to stuck it with supplies like a comfortable bed, food, water and your favorite lubricant. Heck, if a tornado does come through, you got yourself set up for a very busy night.

Church: Think about it, unless it is a Sunday, that big old Church is empty most other days of the week. You haven’t lived till you have been bent over a pew or eaten under the altar. You’re going to be calling out to God anyway; might as well do it where he can hear you.

The Outhouse: Yeah, it is not sexy in there I know. But think about this, if you walked by an outhouse and it was shaking and you heard a bunch of moans, would you bother them?

Your Daddy’s Bed: This is a good one. If your Daddy does come to the bedroom to find you fucking the entire Bible Quiz team in his bed, he won’t say anything. He would be too ashamed of admitting that he was so lazy that he went to his bedroom before sundown.

Feb 072011

Growing your own sex toys in your garden is not only economical and good for the environment, but it can be fun too! Back in the old days, my grandmother and her friends had to grow cucumbers of a certain shape with careful planting, horticultural techniques and the occasional midnight prayer to Satan. Today’s horny farm woman can select from a wide range of seed packets from several discreet catalogs. The following are some of my favorites.

Green Goliath Corn Cobs– These seeds are the woman who may have had sex with a horse or a man hung as one. The resulting corn cob is large enough to satisfy any woman of any size. The only drawback is that some of the cobs may be dangerously large for insertion. So remember ladies, use plenty of butter the first time.

Aunt Bee’s Zucchini– For the woman who likes a little variety in her vegetable sex life, Aunt Bee’s seeds are perfect. Each seed grows a zucchini between five to eleven inches long, but each zucchini is guaranteed to be different from one another. Some will lean to the left, others will lean to the right while some will even have textured bumps. A new zucchini every night is like having a new husband every night, just without the mother-in-laws.

Von Madd’s Cockumber– This bio-engineered vegetable has only been on the market for a year but it is already a big hit in certain rural communities. The cockumber is very firm and remarkably sturdy no matter how wild your night gets. The skin was designed to have a flavor that is 98% indistinguishable from a man’s penis. The only drawback is much like a real man’s cock, they require extra care. They will need twice as much watering and fertilizer as regular cucumbers.

Mississippi Carrots– For those shy women or perhaps newlyweds, this special line of carrots will grow thin and slender. They have quite a reach though and some of the more wanton farmers like to use these to hit their Gee-Spot. The Farmer’s Daughter can not confirm or deny the existence of the Gee-Spot but that is because I usually black out from the force of the orgasm when I hit it.

Farmer’s Daughter’s Tip! Tell your husband, boyfriend or handsome farm hand that the special ladies vegetables require a man to shoot his load on the seeds. They don’t, but you can have a lot of fun doing it!

Jan 172011

From the Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac

The thrill of Christmas is gone and the alcohol of New Year’s Eve has been sweated out. Now is a prime time to energize a loved one or a perfect stranger with a properly timed handjob. The ideal times are listed below.

Jan 17 – Before they get out of bed.

Jan 18 – Shortly before lunch.

Jan 19 – 4:45 pm.

Jan 20 – After they watch you take a long and gratitous shower.

Jan 21 – Halfway through dinner.

Jan 22 – Once they are soundly asleep.

Jan 23 – During the preacher’s sermon about sin.

Farmer’s Daughter’s Tip- A handjob doesn’t need to be dry! Throw some spit on that hand to keep it slick!

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