It Follows, directed by David Robert Mitchell, is the super rare horror movie that is about sex without making sex the villain. A young woman, Jay, sleeps with her new boyfriend for the first time. Before she has time to enjoy the afterglow, her boyfriend explains that he is being haunted by a supernatural creature that no one else can see and can take the shape of anyone. It can only move at a walking speed but it is constantly following him and if it gets to him, he’s dead. The real punchline is that he just gave Jay the curse by sleeping with her and now it’s her problem. His advice is since she is pretty, just sleep with someone and pass it on.

In every other horror movie, her friends and family would tell Jay how wrong she was to have sex and how this is sort of her fault. It Follows never goes there and instead her friends and family support her and try to help even though they barely believe her.  they try several solutions related to the curse and that means some sexual strategies of their own. This is complicated by some unrequited crushes, family dynamics and a reoccurring theme of absent parents who are either not around or purposely kept in the dark. Kind of like how teens/adults interact with parents regarding real sex.

Meanwhile the monster that stalk Jay is often naked or disturbingly disrobed.  There is a theme of titillation as we see a shambling naked woman cut through a crowd of oblivious people. The creature is equally disguised as men and women, and each is equally undressed. It reminds the viewer that the monster kills men and women without discrimination.

There is an STD theme in this story but not much of one. That isn’t an insult, just a statement that you are not hit over the head with it. A stronger theme is about entering adulthood and the lost of childhood but that isn’t presented as some tragic loss as much as it is presented as something natural.

Mostly though, it is about being scared shitless as you are constantly watching the screen looking for anything that might be coming right for you. This is a delight of paranoia and stretched nerves without resorting to cheap jump scares.

This is a movie that could have potentially gone wrong in so many ways but doesn’t. It treats the audience and the woman victim with respect and intelligence. It is a beautiful looking movie that evokes the best of John Carpenter. I feel like this movie is going to become a classic and hopefully will signal a change with the way horror deals with sex.

I give it Five out of Five Pam Griers.

Sucker Punch is an awful movie. You probably have heard that by now. What is really amazing is that it is so bad that I keep thinking about it. I dissect it as I try to identify every little thing wrong with it. My core problem is that the story is shit and I have literally seen better character development from stories told by children on the playground. It is stunningly awful.

Phantom of the Pulp wrote a really great review of it where he identifies all of the major issues. His identification of why games shot like video games doesn’t work is dead on, but this other observation is my favorite takeaway,

“Sucker Punch is the Barbie crotch of action movies. It has no taste. It doesn’t kick or moan when you stroke it. It doesn’t get wet. It doesn’t get nasty. And when you suck it, it tastes like plastic.”

So why do I bring up this awful movie at all? I have been in a creative personal slump. Work stress and health stress has eaten away at my creativity and like all insecure artists, I started doubting my ability to tell a story.

Then I see a trashy abortion like Sucker Punch and realize, “Fuck, even a Internet porn writer like myself could do better shit than this.”

Terrible shit is an important part of an artist’s diet. We all have doubts and we all worry about our skill levels but when you see a fucking mess like this mess, the artist realizes that he isn’t nearly as bad as he thought he was. In fact, movies aren’t just proof that a director has less talent than the artist. Production companies signed off on this. An editor worked on it. Actors looked at the script and thought it was keen. Hundreds of people worked on this abomination of story telling and none of them could fix it.

Heck, do this one little exercise. Watch Sucker Punch and then come up with ways to make it a better movie in one sentence or less. You can do it! It’s easy and it makes you feel like a genius compared to the writer of this schlock.

I give it Zero Pam Griers out of Five.

*Picture is of Jamie Chung, the only character I liked, who incidentally didn’t have a personality but did have a role as a pilot in all of the dream sequences which I guess makes her the most developed character in the movie.

Darius Whiteplume teamed up to combine our powers to analyze a great movie. Enjoy!

Darius Whiteplume: “One of the great things about B-Movies is that occasionally you get to witness something really transformative; a film that changes the way A-List movies work. Night of the Living Dead for example, or perhaps THX 1138. Talented people without money can do great things when they are passionate. Will Bitch Slap change A-List cinema? Probably not, but it is not without its qualities.

“Rick Jacobson and co-writer Eric Gruendemann both have a long background in television and film, most notably for work on Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. They bring a lot of that style, and a lot of their former colleagues to Bitch Slap with appearances by Lucy Lawless (Xena), Kevin Sorbo (Hercules), Renée O’Connor (Gabrielle), and as the lead villain we have Michael Hurst (Iolas). Also, the film’s stunt coordinator is Zoë Bell.”

Shon Richards: “I was wondering if there was a Hercules/Xena connection. Not because of the costars, but because it shares that same insane sensibilities of how the world works. Just like thinking Hercules was Mythology would get you flunked out of English class, Bitch Slap will not prepare you for a world of guns and chicks.

“That to me was what really made the film work. In the real world, strip club parties are not held at the Department of Homeland Security. In the real world, yo-yos are not deadly weapons despite Japan furiously working on the problem. In the real world, psycho bitch lesbians don’t look as awesome as Camaro. In most movies when you see this stuff, it takes you out of your suspension of belief. In this movie, all these outrageous elements help glue each other together.”

DW: “Superficially the film is about three women searching for treasure buried in the desert; Hel (Erin Cummings), Camaro (America Olivo), and Trixie (Julia Voth). They have taken the criminal Gage (Michael Hurst) so he can show them where it is. Obviously, you can have that as the entire plot, so there is a lot of playing with back story, and a twist ending.

“To many, the film may not seem to be what the title suggests to them. In the ‘making of’ segment on the DVD, America Olivo explains that when she accepted the role, she thought, ‘this is porn, isn’t it. That’s what my career has come to.’ But it is a far cry from porn. There is almost zero nudity, but it is definitely a jiggle fest. There are some highly gratuitous scenes of clothed sexiness, and a seemingly inappropriate water fight cum wet t-shirt contest. All this is just buildup to a bare-knuckled, gun-slinging, semi-psychotic second half that is nearly all action.”

SR: “As a porn writer and watcher of many softcore movies, I was impressed with how sexy this movie was for its lack of nudity. Part of that came from embracing the strange unreality that the movie presented. Of course sweaty girls digging in the desert are going to douse each other in water. That is just what they do here. In normal softcore movies, it would have been forced and silly. Here it was silly yet somehow natural. I don’t know how they did that. I am terribly jealous.

“The lesbian sex scene is in my top five list of all time best movie sex scenes. Hel and Camaro somehow became sexier the more beat up they became. These ladies even made blood look awesome. There should be an artbook about this movie.

“As for the action scenes, you will not get better fight scenes anywhere. Holy crap, the final fight alone is worth the price of the DVD and it is only one of many. There is a higher action-per-second ratio than what you find in average 80’s movies. Guns, knives, punches, chains, rockets and killer yo-yos are just some of the dangerous things you will see used. I could be wrong, but I think there was a midget with a machine gun.”

DW: “You did. That was Debbie Lee Carrington as ‘Hot Pocket.’ I thought it was Bridgette the Midget at first. Carrington has done a lot of film and TV. You might recognize her as ‘Emperor Penguin’ in Batman Returns… Wait. No you wouldn’t. Anyway, she’s in a ton of stuff. If I remember correctly, there was a hot midget in Total Recall. That was her.

“The movie pays homage to other styles and films. There is an obvious Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! relationship, as well as nod to Quentin Tarantino, Frank Miller, and The Usual Suspects. The story is not linear, being played out in flashbacks that setup the end game. Jacobson and Gruendemann have writing and directorial chops, so this isn’t just a film made by guys who could find hot chicks to cast. The low budget is limiting, but also freeing in many senses as they have complete control of the film.”

SR: “I have to admit that the opening montage of clips from other movies made me nervous. You show a clip of Coffy and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! At the start of your movie, you have set the bar pretty high. Looking back I can see that they were trying to set the mood but I thought it was a huge gamble. I am just relieved they pulled it off.

“The flashbacks were very well done. You are exactly right in saying that these are not your normal hot chick focused writers and producers. There is a story here chained together with some awesome action sequences. Even the jiggle scenes are tied into the plot. The final fight is between the two most interesting characters as it should be. Even when the plot goes in directions too ridiculous to repeat, the story stays coherent.

“I do wonder if they can pull off another movie like this. I wouldn’t call it a parody of b-movie action/tease genre, as much as it was an elevation of the art form. I wonder if they have enough in them to do another movie like this that wouldn’t be a rehash of what they have already done.”

“I Like to Play Games” is a 1995 softcore movie starring the luscious Lisa Boyle. Lisa plays Suzanne, a high breasted woman who can not form a meaningful relationship with anyone except in the context of a perpetual swapping of dom/sub roles that she calls her ‘games’. She tells men this upfront but they play along anyway because they hope to get laid. Later they break up with her and file restraining orders because her games escalate to psychological terror. Men are such pussies.

The movie opens with the character of Michael, a sexually frustrated guy who tries to get dominant with his girlfriend and when she hesitates, he dumps her rather than communicate. If the dude had a copy of ‘Screw the Roses’, this whole movie wouldn’t have happened.

The next scene is Michael kickboxing and wrestling with another bare chested man, his best friend Nick. Michael explains that most women are too boring and he wants someone dangerous and exciting. He says this as his buddy manhandles him in a crowded gym full of men. Maybe it’s because I have more gay male friends than straight ones, but I got the impression that Michael’s problem had less to do with exciting women and more to do with women in general.

Suzanne shows up as a coworker in his office and Michael falls in lust. They go on a boring first date where Suzanne bitterly complains that “it was his turn and we could have done anything.” Michael asks for what they would have done if it was her turn, and she shows him. They go outside into a dirty alley, smoke pot and then make out.

See kids, marijuana is a gateway drug to kinky sex and late night cable movies.

An interesting thing happens at the makeout. Suzanne gets topless, Michael gets topless and bodies are writhing, but then we have some guests. Two very macho looking men drinking beer start slowly walking down the alley. You start thinking that there will be a mugging but no, the men angrily toss their bottles to the ground but they don’t even look at the top heavy girl writhing in front of them.

See, I don’t think they were real at all. I think they were symbolic of Micheal’s homosexuality walking away in disgust. It’s just not me, is it?

Suzanne and Michael’s affair blossoms. They engage in some good old fashioned role-playing as they take turns being dominant. Suzanne is the naughty schoolgirl that Michael scolds. Michael becomes the handcuffed slave to his Mistress. Sure things get out of hand like when Michael gets arrested for public exposure or when Suzanne restrained Michael and he didn’t go to an important meeting but that just makes the kinky sex more exciting.

We never get a ‘Fight Club’ moment where the rules are spelled out but I am here to help. Here are all of the rules of the Game as I have determined them.

#1. When it’s your turn, you can do anything.

#2. Games never repeat.

#3. You choke, you’re out. No replay.

I have to admit that for a softcore movie, I did enjoy the kinky games and flirting. You don’t need explicit hardcore action for a kinky scene, you just need a loss of power and a dominant figure. Suzanne is an insane woman which makes her terrifying as a domme. She is such an evil sadistic bitch that when Michael takes control, nothing he can come up with can punish Suzanne enough. It’s fun to try though. The more scared Suzanne gets, the more she loves it.

Michael’s friend and secret crush, Nick, pleads with Michael to walk away and reject women. Nick claims he used to play games with Suzanne too and he is just trying to protect his friend. I don’t buy it. Oh sure, Nick drools every time he sees Suzanne and at one point he offers to be her game partner again, but my jaded gaydar knows better. Nick is willing to take one for the team so that he can keep his wrestle buddy Michael free from corruption.

All good things have to come to an end. Just like in real life, things get awkward and out of control after the first threesome with a hooker. Nick overdoses on drugs as a desperate attempt to get Michael’s attention. Oh, he says he did it because Suzanne breaks his heart but I know it’s Michael he loves. Michael on the other hand starts pushing Suzanne’s boundaries and Suzanne decides to reciprocate in kind. In real life this would involve anal plugs and cock rings. In the world of movies, it will involve crushing his dreams, upstaging him at work and humiliating his ex girlfriend.

Michael is unappreciative. Suzanne lacks the basic ability to empathize with him. Or as she put it-

“I have given you more passion than you ever had in your account executive’s heart!”

Poor Suzanne. It’s hard enough being a switch in the real world but when you’re a psycho switch in a movie, no one understand you. I mean really, what’s so bad about convincing the ex-girlfriend of your lover to become a sex slave in the false hope of getting back with your current lover? Oh yeah, a lot.

The third act devolves into heartbreak, tears and a chopped off finger. Michael dumps Suzanne, begs for her to take him back and hits rock bottom. He goes back to homosexuality as symbolized by him returning to the gym with his only freal friend, Nick. Michael is still playing the game with Suzanne except now it’s a game of revenge and one up manship, which come to think of it, is still the game.

It ends with an attempted drowning followed by a declaration of love. What can I say? Breathplay can be really hot.

This really is one of my favorite softcore movies of all time. It’s just crazy enough to keep it interesting and it is the rare film that understands that the set up for sex is more important than the sex. Lisa Boyle might not be a good actress but I think she is an awesome bitch.

I give it Four out of Five Pam Griers.