Apr 112012

Last week I got a call from an old friend from high school. Jonathan and I used to spend all our time together playing games, swapping fantasy books and other nerdy shit. When we went to college, I kind of fell in with a cooler crowd and I didn’t want to waste all my time dressing up for Harry Potter movies. Shit, I wanted to get laid. It has been a year since we have talked and I felt a little bad for it. The weird thing was that he didn’t seem to mind at all.

“David, if I sent you some music, do you think you could play it for a project my friends and I are doing?”

Visions of nerds having some sort of Elven ceremony danced through my head.

“What kind of project?” I said as non-committal as possible.

“The music needs to be played live,” Jonathan said. “We will be doing a ritual and although the ritual takes only an hour, we need some music for the first and last five minutes. We can pay you two hundred bucks.”

“Oh,” I said. Two hundred bucks could come in handy with Spring Break coming up. “Sure, I can do that.”

“Great, I’ll email you the music and the address,” Jonathan said. “Practice it and then come to the address this Saturday at noon. Thanks a lot man, I got to go. Bye!”

I smiled. Jonathan had hung on me. All this time I had felt bad avoiding the nerd and now he was cold calling me for a favor. It was ironic and the two hundred bucks made it easier to take.

I checked my email and saw that he had already sent it to me. I opened the pdf and saw some weird pages. It looked like they had scanned some really old music pages. There were notes written on the page but it looked French or some shit. The music looked odd but it was playable.

More interesting was the drawings on the margins of the pages. It looked liked someone had drawn dozens of naked men and women. I wondered what pervy crap my old friend was up to. Well, even nerds have to get some.

The week went by and I practiced the music on my keyboard. The music was pretty funky. It almost sounds like the music you would hear in porn music; repetitious beats and music that were timed for hip thrusts. It was pretty good though. Every damn time I played I got a stiffy.

When Saturday rolled around I went to the address. It was in an okay neighborhood with not too many foreclosures. There were cars already there and I wondered if I was the music for some sort of party. I hoped to God it wasn’t a sex party because I really did not want to see Jonathan’s junk.

A woman answered the door, which surprised me greatly. She was a big girl with bigger breasts spilling out of some sort of black corset. Her brown hair was heavily hairsprayed into a threatening aura around her head. She looked at me with disdain.

“We were worried you were going to be late,” she said.

It was ten to noon. I forced a smile because two hundred bucks is two hundred bucks. “I was running late,” I lied. “My name if David.”

“I’m Moonshadow,” she said. “Come on in and set up in the living room.”

I didn’t even smirk when she said “Moonshadow”. Two hundred bucks was a great night at the bars. I was going to be as professional as possible and get my money.

“Holy shit,” I said as I walked in the living room. My goals of professionalism went right out the window when I saw what they were doing.

There was a naked woman suspended from the ceiling. She had her hands tied behind her back and she was facing down towards to the floor. The rope was blue and criss-crossed over her body in hundreds of little knots. Her ankles were bound to her thighs and the roped kept her legs indecently apart. In fact, her sex was open and pointed right at me.

“Those knots are killer, aren’t they?” Jonathan said. “It took us hours to get them just right. The book was very specific on how they had to be.

Jonathan was in black jeans a black silk shirt. If it wasn’t for the lifelong acne on his face, he would have looked vaguely sinister.

“Hey, is this some sort of sex thing?” I asked.

Jonathan shrugged. “We don’t think so. Damien thinks the nudity represents a willingness to debase oneself before higher powers.”

“Wait, did you say Damien? Is this a cult?”

“Cult is an ugly word,” someone said behind me. I turned faced a man in green robes. I thought he was wearing a snuggie at first but nope, those were real robes with a hood. He had slicked down hair and a goatee like some sort of Vegas magician who does mind tricks on the street. He might have looked imposing except for the really thick glasses he wore.

”Seriously, is this a cult?” I asked. “I like money but shit, I can’t just sit here while you cut some girl up.”

Jonathan and Damien laughed. The girl in the rope laughed too. Moonshadow turned the girl in her rope so she could face us. The girl in the rope had a pretty smile and cute short red hair. Okay, mostly I was staring at her enormous tits.

“We’re not going to kill my girlfriend, David,” Jonathan said. “Sheesh.”

“This is your girlfriend?” I asked. I didn’t know what was weirder: the freaky cult stuff or the fact that Jonathan had a girlfriend.

“David, meet Megan,” Jonathan said.

“Hey Megan,” I said. It was really hard not to stare at her tits.

“This is why I didn’t want to bring a neophyte,” Moonshadow said.

“Can you play the piano?” Damien said. “The ritual says that to forgo live music is to tempt fate.”

“Yeah, again, what kind of ritual are we doing? I’m not religious but I don’t know if I can watch you guys do freaky stuff.”

“Tell me, David,” Damien said in a way I bet he thought was friendly. It came across more as condescending. “Are you familiar with the works of Zacharie Roux?”

“Is he a soccer player?” I asked.

“Cute,” Damien said. “Zacharie Roux was a monk who left the Church when he discovered that God was very much alive and still talking to us, but we were unable to listen. Roux discovered that God was a writer and that he was writing the story of our lives every day. He learned how to read God’s word in the world around us and he taught others. Some say he taught Alexander Dumas how to become a best selling author.”

“Oh, the guy who wrote Hunchback of Notre Dame?” I said.

Moonshadow, Jonathan, Megan and Damien snickered. “No,” Damien said. “Dumas wrote the Three Musketeers. It is one of the most read books ever published and Dumas often hinted that he had divine or perhaps infernal help.”

“I don’t remember any naked tied up ladies in the Three Musketters,” I said.

“True,” Damien said. “But Roux does. Roux wrote all of his secrets in a journal called Dieu Pen. It translates literally as God’s Pen. The journal has been published and spread by his followers. There are many copies and versions but recently I came across what I think is a first edition. We have been using it to read God’s writing.”

“Interesting,” I said. As long as he had the two hundred bucks, I was cool.

“It was awesome!” Jonathan said. “You have no idea, David! We did one of the rituals and it let us see the weather for the next year! Another ritual told me that Megan was interested in me!”

“I was pretty good about hiding it,” the naked girl said.

“Okay,” I said. “What does today’s ritual do?”

Damien smiled. “Today we will talk to God.”

God apparently likes music so I set up my keyboard. The others began to draw weird patterns in the floor with chalk. Thankfully no one else took off any more clothes.

Damien nodded towards me and I played the music. The others began to chant. It felt freaky but also silly. I only needed to play my bit at the beginning and at the end. My music only took about three minutes. I finished and sat there quietly. Mostly I tried not to star at Megan’s tits.

A few minutes later, something weird happened.

“Guys!” Megan yelled. “I am in a giant glass place! There are crystals and circles everywhere!”

I wondered if they had slipped Megan some peyote or something.

“Do you see God?” Damien asked.

Megan didn’t seem to hear him. “Guys? Are you there? There are other women hanging from ropes! I see black women, Japanese women, some Mexican looking women and Jesus Christ! There is a red woman here, like something out of Star Trek!”

Moonshadow reached out to touch Megan but Damien slapped her hand away. “No, we might sever the link. Her spirit is elsewhere.”

“Uh, guys?” Megan said. “There is a guy coming towards me and OH MY GOD! He has the biggest shlong!”

Jonathan took a step towards her but this time Moonshadow stopped him.

“Oh shit,” Megan said. Her legs spread apart wider. Her whole body shook violently and she cried out. It was one long moan.

Megan shook. Hell, the ropes shook with her. It looked like someone was banging the shit out of her. She bounced back and forth and the ropes held her fucked body.

I watched her breasts suddenly change shape. It took a moment to realize that they looked like someone invisible was grabbing her. That someone was holding her tits as they gave her the fucking of her life.

“Do you have no questions for your God?” a voice came from Megan’s throat but it sure as fuck wasn’t Megan. It was deep and commanding. Like your dad when he knows you have fucked up.

“God?” Damien said. He dropped to his knees. “God, is that you?”

“Yes, Eugene, it is me,” Megan answered in that freaky voice. “Your offering is pleasing. Her cunt is wet and ready for me. I shall speak with you.”

They sure as shit don’t talk about shit like this in the Bible.

“God, this is Moonshadow! I have a question too!”

“Of course you do, Hillary,” the voice answered. Megan’s eyes grew wider as something pulled her hair and fucked her harder. “All who are here can ask their question!”

“God,” Damien said, still on his knees. “How may we gain more knowledge to better serve you?”

“You want more knowledge to have more power you lying sack of shit,” the voice said. “But since I created you, I forgive your selfishness. Go to your history professor and offer yourself sexually to him. After a week of oral service, he will let you borrow his more forbidden books. Be sure to swallow.”

Damien looked very pale. “Uh, is there no other way? I thought sodomy was a sin?”

Megan cried out on her own voice. Her eyes grew wide and the shaking got more violent. She winced in a way that I had seen a few times in porn. I glanced at her ass and saw that the anus was wide open. The poor girl was getting her ass fucked.

“I created all sin, and all sin is good,” the voice replied. “And I am telling you to suck your teacher’s cock if you want power. The choice is yours.”

“Jesus,” Damien/Eugene said.

“Next question!” the voice called.

“Sir, it’s me,” Moonshadow said. As if God needed people to identify themselves. “How can I become rich and powerful?”

“Hillary, your journey is harder,” the voice said. “Mostly because you are a greedy and bitter creature created to make others suffer. If you desire money, you can achieve it by going to Dallas, Texas and seeking out the Queen in Blood. That is a leather club that specializes in dominating rich older men. Go there and tell them that you want to become an apprentice. They will sorely test and abuse you but if you persevere, you will have your own sugar daddy to abuse and despoil for the rest of your short measured life.”

Moonshadow became paler than Damien. “What do you mean but short meas-“

“Next question!” the voice boomed.

“I guess that is me,” Jonathan said. He didn’t look like he wanted to ask at all. “God, umm, what should I do to be happy?”

“Fuck,” the voice answered. At first I thought it was mad but no, he just meant fuck.

“Is that all?” Jonathan said.

“That is all there is,” the voice said. “But I will give you some free advice and suggest you try some Denacil acne cream. Next question!”

They looked at each other and then the looked at me.

“Ask your question,” Damien whispered.

I looked at Megan. The invisible hands were still mauling her breasts. I think he was out of her ass because she wasn’t making that wincing face anymore. In fact, she was smiling contently now as the fucking continued. Her eyes were half closed and she was off in her own little world.

“Yeah, I have a question,” I said. “Are you really God?”

Damien gasped. I think Moonshadow was ready to punch me. Jonathan however looked a little hopeful.

“In the beginning there was nothing,” the voice said. “And then I spoke the word and the word was FUCK! I created the earth to be fucked on. I created the sky so people being fucked would look up at it. I created the animals to fuck and to inspire fucking. I created people to fuck and fuck for me. I am your creator and all your petty desires, your daily trials and your lifelong goals are just to provide context for your fucking. Yes, I am God.”

“Fuck,” I said.

The voice grew silent. Megan’s voice became her own as she moaned, whimpered and cried out. An hour was a long time to be fucked.

When the hour was up, I played the music. The invisible fucking stopped and Damien cut her free. Jonathan put a robe around her and got her some lotion for her tender spots. Moonshadow gave me my money and showed me the door.

They didn’t contact me again.

Damien had dropped out of school and had moved in with his history professor. It was quite the scandal.

Moonshadow left town. I can only assume she went to Dallas. I tried looking up that club but it wasn’t listed anywhere.

Megan started some sort of weird burlesque/church thing on the outskirts of town. I thought about going to see it but they charge five hundred dollars at the door.

Jonathan was a different story. He left town and is traveling the country. He sends me postcards from time to time. He has been from one coast to the other. Mostly he talks about the women he is banging. He calls it his pilgrimage.

And then there is me. Sometimes I think that couldn’t have been God, but then I remember that voice. He’s God. There is no doubt. God exists and he is a big fucking pervert. War, politics, religion and all of history is just one big fucking background for the divine pornography of human existence.

I haven’t had an erection since. It is hard knowing that God is not only watching, but he might be jacking off to it.

  3 Responses to “Fiction: Offering of the Hour”

  1. “I thought he was wearing a snuggie at first but nope, those were real robes with a hood.”

    That is sad for the main character, but I liked it a lot. I think life would be a lot happier of people knew that God was a pervert.

    Though, I was thinking of an episode of the Tick. Tick was have an adventure inside his head. Paragraphs: “Tick, you have reached the part of your mind that knows everything. You can ask it one question, anything!” “Um, how you doing?” He got a thumbs up. Tick’s conscious, “That’s it!? You wasted your big question on asking about his day?” “Yeah!”

  2. t’Sade- I am convinced that some day, people will be worshiping the wisdom of the Tick. What question could have been more important than “How you doing?”

  3. God created fucking – of course he jacks off to it! David’s perspective is a little sad, though.

    Great story, Shon – it made me smile :)

    xx Dee

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.