Mar 142012

The United States is remarkable for having the largest concentration of alien abductions. The second largest concentration is Wales for reasons no one understands or wants to understand. There are many questions of why aliens are fond of the United States, and more specifically the countrysides of the country where there is no one for hundreds of miles except for a few country boys and girls trying to have fun.

It has come to the Farmer’s Daughter’s attention that most alien abductions are just lies. While some of them are true—in the Farmer’s Daughter’s experience—most are a thinly concealed lie to cover up inappropriate behavior from one’s spouse or parents.

When you think about it, saying aliens abducted you is a lot easier than saying you were being plowed by the well-hung boy down the street. Or that your breath smells because you pulled a pussy train for two hours on the triplets across town. For starters, the spouse or parent in question doesn’t immediately grab the nearest shotgun and go have a “talk” with the boy or girl of topic. It also prevents you from going down to the sheriff’s station to identify your spouse or parent in a lineup. And, if things went poorly, taking a detour after that to identify a body.

No, claiming aliens abducted you has the dual benefits of avoiding filling up the gas tank just to head into town and allowing you to continue enjoying the sexual activities that make up a good, healthy life. In fact, the alien lie just ensures that the sexual adventures can continue for months, or even years to come, with smart application of “flashbacks” and “mind control.” And the Farmer’s Daughter understands that flashback usually involve cameras going off while being on her back. Alien mind control comes in convenient 12 fluid ounce aluminum cans and has the rich taste of hops. At least somewhere around can six.

The story of alien “probing” comes from these lies. It makes it easier to explain unexpected wet spots as the results of an alien probe instead of getting juiced up from being licked for hours, or a generous application of lubricant. The spouse in question could also test the hole for proof that it was loosened up by a strange alien device, but we all know spouses don’t know how to butt-fuck properly to the person they are married to, so its a lie that will never been verified. If they knew how to butt-fuck, then you wouldn’t be sneaking around the preacher’s wife’s garden, would you?

The Farmer’s Daughter cautions against using the alien abduction lie too often. It is one thing to use it once, then milk it for a few years. But, if it is used every time you’re caught, then rumors get around. And with the rumors comes vans filled with hippies who want to “commune with the sky gods” and generally get in your way of sneaking around to get a bit of tail.

If caught and the alien lie has been used too often, remember that the Men in Black (or Women in Black if you like those more) are also a good excuse to explain a three night weekend in the next town over. Because everyone knows that suits are just as hot as alien probings. And the Black Suits have that handy memory erasure device…

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