Oct 192011

“Alex, do you read me?”

“Loud and fucking clear, Pam. I can’t see a damn thing out here.”

“You don’t need to see anything. The shoulder camera is working great and I can see the whole lake on night vision.”

“Awesome. If you see that ghost who is going to suck off my face, let me know.”

“Fuck Alex, you never pay attention to any of the research we do on this show, do you?”

“Shit, no. I’m the comic relief. I wouldn’t’ even fucking be out here on this lake tonight if Victor hadn’t gotten sick. Dumb ass mother fucker.”

“You got that right. I mean, who eats something called Trout Balls? I don’t care if it is a local delicacy.”

“Who eats something has balls in the title? Other than you, Pam.”

“You wish, Alex.”

“Yeah, I do. I could go for some serious cock sucking right about now. Let me tell you, working on Ghost Patrol X has not been the pussy magnet I thought it would be.”

“Now I can’t tell if you are fucking with me or if you really are that dumb of a jock.”

“Why do you say that, Pam?”

“Because you are making blowjob jokes while looking for the Diamond Lake Sucker! You know, the only ghost reported to give people blowjobs?”

“What? Are you shitting me, Pam?”

“Fuck, you really are that stupid. Yes, the Diamond Lake Sucker is some slut camp counselor named Jackie Voren. She drowned in the company of another counselor. At the first the police thought the guy drowned her, but he confessed that she was under the water sucking his dick and that she got swept by a current.”

“I didn’t know lakes even had currents.”

“Hey, that’s a good point. Anyway, this girl drowned and like a year later, people say that they see her ghost and she comes out of th-“


“Nothing is on the camera, Alex. What do you feel? Is it a cold spot? A strange sensation on your neck? A weird feeling in your stomach?”


“Alex! The camera isn’t showing anything! I just see a lake! Calm down!”

“You fucking calm down, Pam! I see a chick, and she’s naked and she is glowing bright white light! It is a fucking ghost! A real one, not the bullshit we pretend to see all the time!”

“Alex, listen to me, there is nothing on camera! If this is a real spectral encounter, you got to report it! Tell me what you see and we can record it for the show.”

“FUCK YOU, PAM! I AM GETTING THE HELL OU- hey, this chick has huge knockers!”

“Okay, that is a start. How big are her knockers, Alex? And keep it clean. Just because we are a cable show don’t mean we can drop F-bombs.”

“Okay, okay. The ghost is walking towards me and she got big ones. Bigger than yours, Pam. But she isn’t chubby like you. She’s all fit and shit.”

“Gee, thanks, Alex.”

“And hey, she’s smiling at me. Oh shit, she’s going to drag me to Hell or something!”

“Calm down, Alex! No one has reported a bad experience with her! Actually what they report is either very little or something preposterous like she gave them a blowjob.”

“Hey cool, she’s trying to unzip my pants!”

“All I see is your belt coming undone, Alex. Can you describe the entity?”

“She’s a hot blonde with big tits, Pam. She got a bikini bottom on and it has polka dots. She is all white and she is winking at me.”

“Oh God, I just saw your boner!”

“I know, right? She’s kissing my cock!”

“What is the opposite of a bucket list, Alex? Cause seeing your dick is definitely one of the things I did not want to do before I died.”

“Oh fuck, yes.”

“Alex? Talk to me. I’m not looking at the screen. What is happening?”

“It is awesome, Pam. She has my cock deep in her mouth. I can feel the back of her throat. Do ghosts have throats? Because I totally feel it.”

“Eww. Try to keep it clean for the audience and for my sanity.”

“And now is really getting into it. She keeps looking at me and she grabs her tits. Her fingers just sink into those ghost pillows. I know she is dead and all but her mouth is so warm.”

“Oh god, I just took a peek at the monitor and I just see you cock bouncing up and down.”

“That’s now what I see. I see a champion cocksucker. Shit, too bad this girl is a ghost because it was a crime for such a great cocksucker to die so young!”

“Try touching her. Maybe we can collect some ectoplasm.”

“I am going to shoot my ectoplasm all over her!” FUCK! I tried to touch her tits and my hand went right through her. That is some freaky shit.”

“More freaky than getting your cock sucked by a dead girl?”

“Shit, this dead girl can suck my cock any time.”

“I just checked the EMP readings and they are off the chart. Did you hear me, Alex?”


“Alex, what is wrong?”


“Fuck Alex, don’t get killed out there! Be safe you stupid jerk!”

“Fuck, YES! OHHHH! Damn, Pam, can’t you shut up for one minute while I bust a nut here?”

“What? OH GOD! I just looked at the screen and there is come every where!”

“Really? I don’t see shit. Ghost Girl is gone. Fuck, where did my belt go?”

“Damn, no one is going to believe this, are they Alex? We have no video, some weird EMP readings and your cock spraying jizz every where.”

“Fuck that shit, Pam. I’m going to rent a house by this fucking lake.”

  3 Responses to “Fiction: The Diamond Lake Sucker”

  1. “I vant to suck your…” ;) Neat twist!

  2. “FUCK YOU, PAM! I AM GETTING THE HELL OU- hey, this chick has huge knockers!”

    Priorities. :) Loved it.

  3. Jason – Thanks :)

    t’Sade – I couldn’t get that line right until I broke internet rule #1 and started typing in all caps.

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