Mar 282011

Sucker Punch is an awful movie. You probably have heard that by now. What is really amazing is that it is so bad that I keep thinking about it. I dissect it as I try to identify every little thing wrong with it. My core problem is that the story is shit and I have literally seen better character development from stories told by children on the playground. It is stunningly awful.

Phantom of the Pulp wrote a really great review of it where he identifies all of the major issues. His identification of why games shot like video games doesn’t work is dead on, but this other observation is my favorite takeaway,

“Sucker Punch is the Barbie crotch of action movies. It has no taste. It doesn’t kick or moan when you stroke it. It doesn’t get wet. It doesn’t get nasty. And when you suck it, it tastes like plastic.”

So why do I bring up this awful movie at all? I have been in a creative personal slump. Work stress and health stress has eaten away at my creativity and like all insecure artists, I started doubting my ability to tell a story.

Then I see a trashy abortion like Sucker Punch and realize, “Fuck, even a Internet porn writer like myself could do better shit than this.”

Terrible shit is an important part of an artist’s diet. We all have doubts and we all worry about our skill levels but when you see a fucking mess like this mess, the artist realizes that he isn’t nearly as bad as he thought he was. In fact, movies aren’t just proof that a director has less talent than the artist. Production companies signed off on this. An editor worked on it. Actors looked at the script and thought it was keen. Hundreds of people worked on this abomination of story telling and none of them could fix it.

Heck, do this one little exercise. Watch Sucker Punch and then come up with ways to make it a better movie in one sentence or less. You can do it! It’s easy and it makes you feel like a genius compared to the writer of this schlock.

I give it Zero Pam Griers out of Five.

*Picture is of Jamie Chung, the only character I liked, who incidentally didn’t have a personality but did have a role as a pilot in all of the dream sequences which I guess makes her the most developed character in the movie.

  4 Responses to “Dirty Movies: Sucker Punch”

  1. I saw it this weekend, and thought it was a really fun, crazy movie. Sure, the story sucked, but my son and I were not watching it for the storyline. My son is really into anime and had a good time watching it with me for the fight sequences. Would I read it if it was a book? No, but if you turned your mind off and watched a couple of non-cohesive action scenes with some kick-ass women, it was worth the ride in my opinion.

  2. Anonymous- It was funny, I saw kids with their dads watching the movie and I envied those kids. Stockings and machine guns is a great way to bond.

    It is interesting which movies I can turn my brain off for. I enjoyed the Spirit movie for example. I was able to turn my brain off for G.I. Joe but Battle: LA was painful to watch. I suspect that cleavage is a factor which is why I am surprised that I couldn’t enjoy Sucker Punch.

  3. Oz read the Phantom of the Pulp quote section of this to me day before yesterday. I almost died laughing. I think it is one of the best reviews I ever heard.

  4. This makes me sad, I so badly wanted to see this movie and having read the reviews and more to the point, your review – I believe I will watch it in the privacy of my home and not admit to having seen it. Sigh. (yes I still want to see it)

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