Feb 072011

Growing your own sex toys in your garden is not only economical and good for the environment, but it can be fun too! Back in the old days, my grandmother and her friends had to grow cucumbers of a certain shape with careful planting, horticultural techniques and the occasional midnight prayer to Satan. Today’s horny farm woman can select from a wide range of seed packets from several discreet catalogs. The following are some of my favorites.

Green Goliath Corn Cobs– These seeds are the woman who may have had sex with a horse or a man hung as one. The resulting corn cob is large enough to satisfy any woman of any size. The only drawback is that some of the cobs may be dangerously large for insertion. So remember ladies, use plenty of butter the first time.

Aunt Bee’s Zucchini– For the woman who likes a little variety in her vegetable sex life, Aunt Bee’s seeds are perfect. Each seed grows a zucchini between five to eleven inches long, but each zucchini is guaranteed to be different from one another. Some will lean to the left, others will lean to the right while some will even have textured bumps. A new zucchini every night is like having a new husband every night, just without the mother-in-laws.

Von Madd’s Cockumber– This bio-engineered vegetable has only been on the market for a year but it is already a big hit in certain rural communities. The cockumber is very firm and remarkably sturdy no matter how wild your night gets. The skin was designed to have a flavor that is 98% indistinguishable from a man’s penis. The only drawback is much like a real man’s cock, they require extra care. They will need twice as much watering and fertilizer as regular cucumbers.

Mississippi Carrots– For those shy women or perhaps newlyweds, this special line of carrots will grow thin and slender. They have quite a reach though and some of the more wanton farmers like to use these to hit their Gee-Spot. The Farmer’s Daughter can not confirm or deny the existence of the Gee-Spot but that is because I usually black out from the force of the orgasm when I hit it.

Farmer’s Daughter’s Tip! Tell your husband, boyfriend or handsome farm hand that the special ladies vegetables require a man to shoot his load on the seeds. They don’t, but you can have a lot of fun doing it!

  3 Responses to “Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac: Garden Seeds”

  1. It makes me happy that this piece of writing exists.

  2. Bridget- Thanks, I have a weakness for books that don’t exist.

  3. Very Enjoyable story it make me so erotic …..
    Keep posting..

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