Jan 282011

Domination has always been a part of my sexual fantasy life. As a young child I often delighted in my Princess Leia action figure getting captured by Vader, Boba Fett, random storm troopers or even jawas. Capturing the princess was my favorite past time although my figures and I were often unsure what to do once we caught her.

On the opposite end, when I discovered masturbation, my most common fantasy was of an older woman dominating me and making me have sex with her. As a serial shoplifter as a kid, it was easy to imagine that if I got caught stealing a book, then I was going to have to fuck a store employee. It just makes sense.

As I got even older, I found myself attracted to really strong minded women. When you are young, it is really hard to tell the difference between a strong willed woman and a bossy pain in the ass. My interest in dominant women completely died out as I struggled to deal with the arrogant and uncompromising women I was dating and eventually married.

My wife wanted a poly marriage which technically means that you develop relationships with other people. I soon realized that I was the charming one in the family when I kept meeting people who wanted to be with me while my wife kept meeting people who wanted little to do with her. Every time I did find something I adored, my wife would do everything to sabotage it to keep me with her. Like an idiot, I deferred to her. I’m not proud of that.

It seems completely logical to me now that being in an unhappy marriage really brought out my desire for submissive women. I liked flirting with them, I liked fucking them and I really loved writing about them. I like arguing with them and winning. I like making unreasonable demands and having them met. I liked having control because I had so little in my marriage.

My fiction didn’t see many dominatrixes during this time. My wife fancied herself a dom when most of the time she was really just selfish and sadistic. Heck, that is a good definition of a dominatrix but being married to one who dominates you without your consent is a shitty situation. I wrote porn to get away from the troubles of my wife so the last thing I wanted to do was write something that reminded me of her.

There was also a weird social stigma to writing submissive male fiction when I started writing. Most of my stories were for newsgroups and when I did write the occasional male submissive story, my fan mail from submissive females would evaporate. It wasn’t that they didn’t like the story as much as they felt that if I was writing something like that, then I wasn’t the macho dom writer they fantasized about.

It is sad. I roll my eyes at the idea now but during my bad marriage, that kind of response was important to me. I stopped writing about dominant women and submissive males. It wasn’t like I had much interest in them anyway, but I had some and it is a shame that I let something as unimportant as what other people think influence me.

At a happy point in my life, I met my current wife. She helped me understand what a fucked up life I was leading. I left my wife and spent a year or two growing up. The sad fact is that I was a submissive to my ex-wife in that I let her win every argument and she made me feel that every small bit of happiness I had was because she graciously allowed me to be selfish.

There is a thing that my friends in the BDSM community often joke about. We will see friends who are doms or subs and they will end up marrying someone completely vanilla. We laugh and shake our heads because we think it can never work out. We also think it is a lot like regressing. We watch people struggle with their dominant or submissive personalities and then right when they are comfortable, they marry someone who isn’t part of that life at all. It just seems like a crying shame.

I bring it up because I have become one of those people. My wife is a strong willed woman because hey, I am attracted to women like that. The difference is that she has no interest in steam rolling me and quite frankly, gets pissed when she does. My natural instinct was to roll over and avoid confrontation but being freed of one bad marriage has unleashed my anger. It might be years of repressed rage but it is something I can use. I fight. I argue. I get damn mad. You know, all the things that happen in an real relationship.

Which translates into a rather vanilla romance with my wife. There is no power inequality, so I don’t need to supplement my self esteem with bdsm. She has an ass made for spanking but there is no need for a pretext to spank her. I love that woman and she is my partner and my wingman. Neither of us are in charge. It is pretty nice.

The fantasies don’t go away. Heck, as a porn writer, I am not sure I could make them go away. I don’t see attractive women on the street, I see potential characters in stories that need to be written. I am pretty sure that I could be fucking a dozen away a day for the rest of my life and I would still want to write a story about a guy and a girl doing something naughty. Being a writer is a not a hobby or a job, it is a classification of a compulsion.

What fascinates me is that now that I am happy, my fantasies don’t give a shit what people think. My fantasies about dominant women have returned because I no longer feel dominated. My sillier fantasies about over the top action heroes and heroines in peril have returned because I no longer care about presenting a serious face to my audience. I write about male and female submissives because they interest me and I no longer worry about what that says about my own sexuality. My own sexuality is a tangled mess and if a reader thinks they know me, they are terribly mistaken. More importantly, a reader’s assessment of my sexuality is really none of my business any more. That is the most important thing I have learned over the last few years. I used to be told not to care what people think but now I realize that although I sometimes care, it is not any of my concern. I have my own misconceptions about my sexuality, what do I care if other people are just as confused?

Sketch card is by the talented Lohmeier

  4 Responses to “Sex is Damn Confusing”

  1. it’s things like this that make me proud that we claim you, not just as our smut provider of choice, but also a friend.

  2. Thank you! I’m having trouble right now and this helped. The thought that even you don’t have it all figured out is soothing because I feel less like a failure.

    Also, it was an interesting and thoughtful post. I especially appreciated “There is no power inequality, so I don’t need to supplement my self esteem with bdsm.”

  3. I agree with the other comments – this is a thoughtful and intelligent post. I appreciated reading it because it allowed me to see more into your world and why you write the way you do.

    You often write about your (current) wife in glowing terms, and this is heartening to me.

    Poly is also damn confusing.

  4. Kiddotrue- Thanks )

    Bridget- Thanks, I think the key to knowing your sexual identity is understanding that language is woefully inadequate for describing something so complex :)

    Kathryn- Poly is so damn confusing I consider it an alien subject like microbiology or wireless routers.

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