Sep 102010

Hello, I am Dr. Otto Von Madd, alleged mad scientist of erotic science. You might know me from the various vibrators I have designed or the giant butt plug I made for the Gulf oil leak. I have decided to take a break from designing the zero gravity brassiere and anwser some of your questions.

Q: How come we don’t have holodecks for our sex fantasies? I want to be fucking holograms of Uhura and Buffy. Surely we have the technology by now!-TrekfuckerIV

A: The good news, TreckfuckerIV, is that we do in fact have the technology. We built the first one in 2002 and to date, four have been built. The bad news is that holodecks have proved to be problematic. That is a science term for ‘people fucking die’.

The first holodeck eviscerated it’s first user. We don’t like to talk about that one.

The second holodeck caught fire yet managed to drown it’s occupants. Again, that is a head scratchier.

The third holodeck gained sentience. It went into a deep depression because of all the sexual scenarios it was providing. It killed the seven people inside it and committed suicide. That one actually makes sense.

The fourth holodeck is owned by Tim Burton to run his endless Johnny Depp/Helena Carter fantasies and appears to be functioning normally, though some scientists beleive that holodeck has somehow managed to encompass the world. I mean, how else would that Alice movie get made?

In conclusion, I recommend that you avoid holodecks. I suggest good sex toys and fantasies fueled by internet sex writers.

Q: I’m a liberal and my hot girlfriend is a conservative. The sex is awesome but any time she talks about the Fair Tax, my erection goes away. What can I do?- Donkeycock.

A: Donkeycock, ball gags are wonderful things. Seriously though, ball gags are great. Buy some in red, white and blue. Sometimes the key to a successful relationship is less communication. Personally I think you should date someone who shares your macro political world view. Unless she has really big tits, then I understand.

Q: I dumped my boyfriend for being an asshole but I miss his body. How can I clone him and make sure his clone is not a jerk?-MsBrilliant

A: Let me congratulate you, MsBrilliant, for turning to science to handle your problems. The truth is that there is no guarantee that his clone won’t be an asshole either. Sometimes you have to accept things and move on. Failing that, I find that a few well placed electro-shock implants do wonders for clone behavior modification.

Q: What do you see for the future of the Sex Toy Industry in the next ten years?-Joessam

A: With the upcoming economic collapse,other industries will notice the resilience of the sex toy industry and want in. I expect to see sex toys made with advertisements on them. Before you can turn on your McDonalds vibrator for example, you’ll have to sit through a ten second jingle for chicken nuggets. The good news is that sex toy prices will drop. The bad news is that BP will be making your lube.

  4 Responses to “Dr. Von Madd Answers Your Questions”

  1. Well, it would give a new meaning to “popup ads”.

    Holodecks would be interesting. They would have standard codes for “Professor Mority has gained sentience (again).”

    I’m also waiting for the tragic accident when some bright scientist tries to put a black hole into a sex doll to get a more sustained suck.

  2. Dr. Von Madd,

    I have degrees in Pure Mathematics, Economics and Applied Mathematics, as well as very large breasts.

    Do you have a position for me with your firm?


  3. t’sade- A holodeck version of Tera Patrick came close to taking over the world but luckily we were able to create a fake world for her to conquer.

    Roxy- One of our Surprise Evaluators will be by in the middle of the night to interview you.

  4. Lol, the bad news is that BP provides lube.

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