Nov 302009

People of Earth, it is I, Queen Erishella of the skull throne in the Euphorian system. Your primitive world has attracted my attention. You have been chosen by me to be conquered at a future date so that I can bring you under my guidance. Rejoice!

Unfortunately, because you live in a remote backwater, my science advisers tell me it would take two thousand of your years to reach you with conventional space travel. Therefore I require you to build a Warp Gate on your moon. This will allow me to transport my armies ad warships directly to you as well as my own magnificent self.

You may be wondering why one as wonderful as I would be interested in your pathetic world. It is true that your world is a cesspit. You still burn fossil fuels, you only allow marriages between two people and for some insane reason, you do not have universal health care. My surveillance agents tell me that you even worship a man being tortured on wooden planks and wear his dying corpse on your neck. Even the slime beasts of Shittia have more dignity.

Yet despite these flaws I have decided to take mercy on your world. I am intrigued by the filthy blogs on your Internet where you write endlessly about sex. I am encouraged by your Dita Von Teese, whom you seem to worship as something called a Fetish Queen. I am impressed by your many television shows about being being raped and murdered. I find the being you called Shakira to be worthy of my bed. Lastly, I have become hooked on your television show, ‘Eastwick’ and advise you not to cancel it on threat of meteor annihilation of the place you call, Burbank California.

Rest assure that the conquest of your world will be painless. I will only destroy one continent as proof of my military might. The continent has not been chosen yet so feel free to start transmitting bribes now. I will only take one son or daughter from each of your world leaders as my personal slaves. Sexual Reeducation camps will be installed on your world to teach you more civilized ways of fucking as well as to test which of you deserve personal consideration from your Queen.

For the glory of your future Queen, I urge you to begin construction of the Warp Gate before the end of this year. I also suggest that you have the cast of that movie, New Moon, bathed and bound as a welcoming gift. They look trainable.

Do not make me come to your world on my own.

Queen Erishella

  9 Responses to “Queen Erishella’s Address to the People of Earth”

  1. I don’t expect she’ll take “We don’t have the technology” as an excuse.

    p.s. I loved your description of Jesus.

    p.p.s. I also love the picture.

  2. Hahahaha marvelous!

  3. Bridget- That excuse will so piss her off. I forgot to add that the picture was done by the always great George Sportelli.

    Anonymous- Thanks!

  4. Is it intentional that the Queen’s name begins with “Eris”?

  5. I have a feeling, no matter what we say that defies her instructions, she’ll be pissed off.
    So, 6 odd billion of us expects an invasion from a royal nymph, what are you going to do about it Shon? :p

    (I have this tiny feeling that you may know how to placate her the best, just a feeling) ;)

  6. A- I asked my followers on Twitter to help come up with a name. TrinSF came up with a name that was great but it hurt my jaw to say it. Erishaska or something like that. So I shortened it and added the ‘ella’ bit which I always thought was pretty. The thing TrinSf and I were more concerned about was evoking the word ‘erotic’ with Eri. What is interesting is I just made the Eris connection yesterday lol

  7. Mystique- My first guess would be to apologize, offer to build the gate, and then film the cast of New Moon being fucked as a token of appeasement. Oh, and don’t cancel Eastwick.

  8. Fairnine- Thank you :)

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