Jun 102009

It was a hot summer night in eighteen sixty something. The small town of Reddirt was asleep except for the good for nothings and loose women at the only saloon in town, ‘The Whiskey Dame’. Those rough men and softer women were carrying on with their sins of gambling, whoring and frequent taking of the Lord’s name in vain. Some people say that the terrible sins they were committing was what got the attention of the damn invaders in the first place.

The first we heard of our weird encounter was a loud CRACK in the sky like God letting off a fart. Good people awoke from their bed and went outside while not-so good people tore themselves from their drinking, whoring and gambling to see what the fuss was about. The whole town of Reddirt came out and we all saw the damnedest thing.

It was like a giant silver mining pan, except it was spinning in the air. Bright yellow and red lights shimmered off the Flying Pan like gold dust in water. The strange contraption flew over us and landed right in the middle of the street! Well, it didn’t exactly land. It just sort of hovered there, like the way Madam Dixie Blossoms’s tits hang in the air when she jumps.

Anyway, a door opened up in the flying Pan and out walked the strangest fucking critters you had veer seen. There were a dozen of them. They were four feet tall, and they had big giant brains on the outside of their heads. Worse than that, they were green! Now I lost a brother to the red man’s arrow once, and I lost a sister to a black man’s cock once, but I had no idea just how awful a green man could be.

“Puny human scum!” the leader of the green men yelled. “We have come to take you to our slave mines. Your males will process ore while your females will serve as pets! Drop your weapons now and proceed into the ship!”

Right about then I knew these fellows were from out of town. You see, ain’t nobody going to tell a Texan that he’s going to be a miner and he sure as hell ain’t going to let his women be some sort of pet. The good and bad men of Reddirt didn’t even have to talk about it. All at once, they drew their sidearms and we were about to have a bloodbath.

But here was the thing. The green men drew *faster*. Quick as a virgin in his first saloon girl, those Green Men whipped out these funny looking guns and fired at us. Instead of bullets, strange purple light came out of the pistols. All twelve green men drew and lickity split, they had shot all thirty four of the armed menfolk.

Now that sounds like a massacre, don’t it? But listen here, when those purple beams hit the menfolk, it’s didn’t punch a hole through them. No, each man that was hit got this big ole smile on their faces and they shuddered and shook. Their pistols fell to the ground and the men fell to their knees as helpless as babes. I saw grandpa fell right into a nap right there on the street.

You see, those light beams had somehow made their bodies react as if they had just gotten to know someone in a biblical way. Or be a little crude, the light beams made their bodies shoot their loads in their pants.

Now, Greg ‘Mountainman’ Daunders got right back up. He was six feet tall and all muscle. He was breathing hard and his gun hand was shaky, but a man’s man like him wasn’t going to let one little moment of joy slow him down.

That shot his poor ass six times before he fell back into the dirt. They say that it took him three months to get his pants clean again.

Things were looking a bit bad at this point. The menfolk had came and went if you get my meaning. The very shameful nature of the green man’s weapons made the more decent folk hesitate. They didn’t want to be slaves and pets but Jesus Christ and his boy Peter, no one wanted to be so rudely violated by the strange weapons.

Except for one girl. Texanah weren’t like the other gals who worked at the saloon. Some women become whores cause they needed the money. Some women become whores because they have no families. Some women become whores cause they were raised Catholic. Texanah was different. She was a whore because she told people she liked it. Imagine that, a woman who liked sex!

Texanah had a fine body for her profession. She had breasts as big as cowboy hat with nipples the size of a sheriff’s badge. Her ass was so plump she didn’t need a saddle to ride a horse. She had long curly blonde hair the color of river gold with lips that could suck the red out of an Indian. There wasn’t a prettier whore in the entire valley.

So Texanah, who by the way was named that by her immigrant parents cause they loved Texas so much, she wasn’t having any of this nonsense. She picked up old Felseworth’s Smith and Wesson and aimed it right at the Green Men.

“Ain’t nobody making a pet of me without paying first!” she yelled.

Before she could squeeze off a single shot, one of the Green Men shot her with his light gun. PHEW! That purple beam hit Texanah right between her Grand Tetons! Texanah shook, shuddered and then gave off an unlady like scream. It sounded almost happy.

“Yee-haw!” she yelled. Then she shot the Green Man right between his big yellow eyes.

“That all you got?” Texanah said.

Those Green Men started firing all crazy at her. PHEW! PHEW! Two beams struck her right in the hidden valley between her legs. Texanah’s knees shook.

“Yee-haw! I could get to like that!” she yelled. While the Green Men looked at her all stupid, she returned fire. BAM! BAM! And there were two more dead Green Men.

“Pick up guns!” Texanah yelled. “We outnumber them!”

Some of the womenfolk tried. Ellie Smith, the school teacher, picked up a rifle. One of the Green Men shot her and she ran screaming from the town. Rumor has it she took up with a Navajo tribe. One of the other whores, Pauline Lantick, took one purple beam and fainted right there in the street. It was almost like if a woman could come like a man. No one else was brave enough to try,

That didn’t slow Texanah none. She grabbed a second pistol and was firing away like a cavalryman. The Green Men always hit first but Texanah didn’t mind. In fact, she started to wait till they did hit her with their sin inducing beams before she would plug another in their big green heads. Texanah kept moaning and screaming the whole time. She even started taking off some of her clothes, as if daring them to take better shots. Some of the men folk say she did that to scare the enemy but I don’t know. Texanah was smiling a bit too much.

After Texanah killed half of them, the Green Men went back into their Flying Pan and flew off. Texanah kept firing. We reckon those Green Men went to go pick on easier prey like Boston or Deadwood. The women took their men home and pretended it never happened. The few women who were struck by purple beams were taken home and given cold baths.

The next day, everyone went to church and it wasn’t even a Sunday. The preacher warned about the Devil testing us and how demons come in all shapes and sizes. We all said our amens and promised to live better lives before going back to ‘The Whiskey Dame’ for more courage.

As for Texanah, well, she was never the same. She tried to hang around but she said things were just too dull. One of the women at the saloon said that Texanah had one of those weird light guns and that she shot herself with it every night. We could hear Texanah yelling her head off at the oddest hours.

Maybe that gun ran out of juice because one day, Texanah was gone. She had packed her bags and traded Charlie the blowjob of his life for a horse. We hear stories now and then about her, riding the West and riding whatever she comes across. Maybe if something strange happens to your town, Texanah can help you like she helped us. Or least give you a good handjob for your troubles.

  3 Responses to “Fiction: Mars Needs Texans”

  1. Nad- Yip-ee-ki-ya!

  2. Awesomesauce….loved this one.

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