Apr 212009

Almost every videogame website I visited this morning has an ad for the online game, Civony. The ad features a lovely lady telling you to defend your lands, your armies and your Queen. Hmmm. I just finished an epic game of Galactic Civilizations last night where I led my custom made Blissians into their sexual conquest of the universe so I am not quite ready to do it again on a medieval scale but the idea is intriguing. Is the Queen a demanding dominatrix who rules her kingdom through your micromangement? Or is the Queen your royal concubine who you treasure and hoard away from other horny kingdoms?

The anwser is neither. It’s a free online version of Age of Empires. From what I can tell from reviews, there isn’t even a Queen. Oh joy.

I shouldn’t be upset. I mean, Everquest got things rolling with Firiona Vie and ever since, MMORPG’s have had hot female mascots for their games. You certainly can play a woman as hot as Firiona, but Firiona herself has little to do with the gameplay.

I think that is where I get annoyed. Let’s make the sexy woman an important part of the game. I’m a dominant male and even I would get a kick out of having some sexy Red Queen type give me my mission briefings. Or heck, reverse the power dynamic and make the Queen my prize where every town I conquer gives me another piece of lingerie I can dress her in. I don’t care which direction you go, just make the damn sexy queen in your advertisement actually have something to do with the game.

Fucking videogame cockteases.

Which brings my to the point of my post: This is where you get your ideas, writers. When the advertising world lies to you about the sexual content, it is up to you to deliver it on your own. Save your free time by not playing Civony and instead write the story Civony suggested to you.

And if you do make a game that involves a Queen, let me know, alright?

  3 Responses to “Queens of Videogame Cockteasing”

  1. Regarding one of your Twitter updates– I’m following you on Twitter and I know how you are, as Shon Richards but not as whoever else you are. I was going to say, “I know who you are!” but then I started thinking about the difference between knowing who you are as your legal personage versus knowing you as a writer.

    I would have responded there, but I figured you wouldn’t know who I am.

  2. Much like Bruce Wayne, I feel like Shon Richards is closest to my real personality than the one I have to pretend to be in my real world dealings.

    So the truth is, you do know who I am :)

    I made that Twitter because I kept getting followed today by people who had no connection to me except to a keyword in a twitter I made. I make a comment about a drink staining a chair and I get followed by chair salesman. I’m like “Really? Are you an erotica reader? Are you alright for when I start twittering about cocks?”

  3. That’s what I figured, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous.

    I think the chair salesman secretly likes it.

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