Mar 072009

On March 9th, 1939, the California town of Dayberry experienced a strange occurrence among the male population. At roughly noon that day, every male over the age of 15 experienced an intense orgasm. One car crash was reported as well as a fatal heart attack suffered by the town’s oldest resident, 93 year old Jed Perkins. Family members said he cried out “Thank you, Jesus!” before dying with a smile on his face.

The incident was not reported in the local paper due to an acute embarrassment over the strange incident. The town physician, Dr. Kenneth Dorick, described the incident in his journals. He reported that his orgasm came while he was observing his nurse’s posterior. At first he felt that the sheer power of her bottom had induced his climax but the screeching of tires outside was his first clue that he not alone in his sudden condition. Several patients soon flocked to his office for immediate check ups. Most were alarmed by the development but a noticeable 20 percent were asking if Dr. Dorick could somehow reproduce the effect.

Dr. Dorick’s personal conclusion was that the town had suffered an act of “Spontaneous Mass Ejaculation due to the recent addition of Oriental spices that filter into the air from that new kitchen where the Chinese eat.”

Sales at Wong’s Noodles increased. The family was able to take the profits and start a franchise that last to this day.

A week later, several citizens of the town remembered that the local timber mill had a small fire breakout that morning. It was quickly concluded that maybe something in the fire was what infected the town. Some of the employees at the mill reported that some of the trees that burned had an unusual purple glint to the bark.

When the timber mill was burned down by a late night act of arson, Mayor Johnathan Colver decided to make a public announcement concerning the event.

“Whatever strange act of pleasure we enjoyed, was not caused by human events,” the Mayor said. “I beleive the Devil himself is testing us and it is up to good honest men to resist these urges. We must deny the fast and easy pleasure and control ourselves. Go home to your wives and do things like God intended!”

Mayor Colver did not win re-election that year.

Apocafuck Scholars beleive that the trees with the purple bark may have been specimens of the rare Purpwood tree that has become extinct in California. The Yurok Native Americans told settlers that the trees with the purple bark were leftover penises from when the Earth was fucked into existence. They were warned to never cut them down unless there were times of great depopulation. Local settlers wiped out all known Purpwood trees in less than a year though there is no written record of what they were doing with all that wood.

Yurok legend says that one day the Purpwood trees will return and when they do, they shall cover the land until the trees outnumber the individual blades of grass.

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