Mar 092009

In 1992, Felisa Jimenez became briefly famous for the healing powers of her ass. The 19 year old girl was already a curvy beauty but the ability of her ass to cure chronic and fatal illnesses made her bottom a popular commodity.

According to an interview on the Phil Donahue Show, Felisa claims that she discovered the healing properties of her bottom due to a boyfriend. The man suffered from life long diabetes but shortly after he slipped his hand down her jeans on their second date, he found that his glucose levels stayed normal. He told Felisa about his recovery and tried to leverage the mystery of her ass into finding out what healing powers her sex possessed. She broke up with the boyfriend and decided to try her own experiments.

At the time of her interview, Felisa claimed to have healed 240 people with her beautiful ass. According to her research, her ass could cure cancer, Alzheimer, near sightedness, impotence, arthritis and the flu but strangely not the common cold. Her ass lacked the ability to cure wounds or injuries but Felisa claimed that her bottom cupping one of her buttocks could reduce pain and induce a feeling of euphoria.

When asked if a simple touch would invoke the healing effect, Felisa laughed. As she explained it in her own words,

“It has to be my bare bottom. Jeans or panties stop the healing. You have to put your hand right on my butt and let it rest there. If you give it a little squeeze or rub it a little, the healing magic works faster.”

Unfortunately for Felisa, the FDA charged her with practicing medicine without a license. They refused to investigate her claims and an anonymous source within the FDA was quoted to say “No ass, no matter how beautiful and perfect, can cure shit.”

Felisa’s case wasn’t helped when her mother took the stand. Mrs. Jimenez pleaded mercy for her daughter on grounds that Felisa was an attention seeking harlot who like to have strange men touch her bottom. She claimed that her child was always wild no matter how much Mrs. Jimenez tried to tame her. She told stories of Felisa flashing boys in high school and how she knows Felisa masturbates every night no matter how many times Mrs. Jimenez bangs on her bedroom door.

The judge took pity and decided Felisa did not require jail time. He barred Felisa from allowing her ass to be used as an instrument of healing. he also scolded her and told Felisa to listen to her mother.

Felisa Jimenez’s current location and status is unknown. After her court case, she left her mother’s home and didn’t leave a forwarding address. There are rumors of a beautiful Hispanic woman with an amazing ass that visits hospitals pretending to be a nurse. The stories tell of how this sexy nurse seduces sick patients into sliding their hands over her bare bottom. The FDA currently denies this is happening and attributes any outbursts of miraculous recoveries in hospitals to the increase of HMO coverages.

Apocafuck scholars beleive that the appearance of a healing ass is further proof that the lines between sexuality and miracles are coming closer. They beleive that soon we may see a cock that can purify water and a breast that can cure ignorance.

  4 Responses to “Apocafuck: The Healing Ass”

  1. Ahh, but I disagree, I don’t think ANYTHING cures ignorance (or did I mean idiocrasy?)

  2. When the Apocafuck happens, all things will be possible, even ignorance curing.

  3. Mmm, I want to find that ass. Nothing to cure, but I want to see a miracle. :)

  4. T’sade- lol, I think I have seen it a few times.

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