Jan 232009

Does ordinary sex bore you? Are you finding that spanking and fucking your girlfriend doesn’t have the same excitement? Do you want to engage in weirder and weirder sex but you don’t have the right motivation?

At Von Madd Laboratories, we have been hard at work at making sex interesting again to our modern day gaming culture. That is why we are proud to announce the Sexchievement Chip! Implanted at the base of your skull, this electronic chip merges with your nervous system to monitor your sexual activities. When you accomplish a ‘Sexchievement’, it sends a text message to your phone or e-mail, alerting you of your new accomplishment!

“You have unlocked ‘I’ll Tell You When, Baby’ by climaxing in someone’s mouth for the first time!”

“You have unlocked ‘Lord of the Paddle’ by spanking at least ten different people!”

“You have unlocked ‘Consult Your Doctor’ for engaging in sex for over two hours!”

The Sexchievement Chip can adapt to any sexual lifestyle. Male, female, gay, straight, kinky or vanilla, the chip had hundreds of sexual achievements for you to unlock! Thanks to our latest market research, we have even added achievements for those without sexual partners at all!

“You have unlocked ‘Blind Man’s Bluff’ by masturbating 8 times this week!”

“You have unlocked ‘Spelunker’ by using a 13 inch dildo!”

“You have unlocked ‘Dirty Old Man’ for masturbating while watching Hannah Montana!”

But that is not all! Log into the Von Madd Sexchievement web page, and see the achievements other people have unlocked! Use the website to find people looking to unlock the same achievements you need. That orgy achievement isn’t going to unlock by itself!

Only $29.99 if you order now! Membership to the Von Madd Sexchievement web page is only $19.99 a month with your first month free with a one year subscription! Unlock your first Sexchievement today!

“You have unlocked ‘Freaky Frankenstien’ for modifying your own body for your sexual amusment!”

  8 Responses to “Sexchievements”

  1. Nerdy? Kinky? Porny?
    Ding! Entertained!

    Thanks Shon, needed this this morning :)


  2. That makes it well worth the 6am brainstorming I was doing.

  3. Haha, hooray, where do I send my firstborn?

  4. Sadly, Von Madd Laboratories no longer accepts children as payments due to some pesky United Nations laws.

  5. *laughs*
    Always healthy to have Von Madd reports first thing in the morning, thanks for the morning medicine ;)
    – If Von Madd had to have an xbox game, i wonder what kind it’d be…

  6. Mystique- It would be a mix between DOA Volleyball and one of those games where you are constantly combining items to make new items.

  7. I’m with Mad, nerdy, kinky AND porny – Hot Damn! I’m in…

    I love that Dr. Von Madd…

  8. Love the post… Keep up the great work!

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