In 2002, paleontologist Leonard Quincy had a promising and reputable career. Professor Quincy had already discovered four new species of dinosaurs and his research into the eating habits of raptors was setting the academic world on fire. When he was chosen to lead the Emsworth excavation in Colorado, many believed he would make discoveries that would rival the finds of any previous paleontologist. For the most part, he succeeded. He discovered 21 new species of dinosaurs at his dig site.
Unfortunately he also proposed a radical theory to explain the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction event. This theory would ruin his career and caused the Emsworth Foundation to suffer terribly in sustaining future funding. Even today, most universities are casting doubt on his earlier discoveries, as if his insane theory had retroactively tainted his earlier scholarship.
Many scientists agree that a large asteroid smashed into the Gulf Of Mexico although they differ on how this asteroid may have resulted in the death of the dinosaurs. Some projections say that the resulting dust cloud would have cloaked the earth in a decade long winter. Other projections imply that firestorms caused by a planet wide debris would have incinerated the surface. Professor Quincy believed he had discovered an area that dated back to the same year as the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction event. The area was abundant with fossils. He was tasked by the Emsworth Foundation to find a cause of death.
To Professor Quincy’s surprise, he found that there were multiple instances of the same species at his dig site. To add confusion to the dig, almost always the bones belonging to a particular species would be found on top of one another. It wasn’t till Quinn examined the photos of the intial digging that he came to a stunning conclusion: the dinosaurs were copulating at the time of their deaths.
In 2003, Professor Leonard Quincy proposed that whatever the asteroid was that struck the Gulf of Mexico, it must have been made of some sort of cosmic aphrodisiac. His examination suggests that the dinosaurs he found died of exhaustion and starvation, yet in the act of sex up to their point of death.
His incredible theory was that the dinosaurs fucked themselves to death. He called it the Doomsday Orgy Asteroid, or DOA for short. He believes it would account for the gradual collapse of the entire ecosystem.
The academic community were not pleased. His theory was rejected by the science journal, ‘Nature’ but more devastating to his reputation, his theories were thoroughly ridiculed by the commenters on Boing Boing. No one attempted to argue the science of the placement of the fossils Quincy discovered; they just pointed out what a dirty idea it was.
As for Leonard, he was fired by the Emsworth Foundation for bringing shame upon the reputable institute. His wife divorced him, and reported to the tabloids that her husband refused to have sex for fear of dying. His Doomsday Orgy Asteroid theory has never been seriously considered by the scientific community. Leonard Quincy lives in seclusion now although sometimes he is crank called by the radio show, Coast to Coast.
Apocafuck Scholars like to point out that if a cosmic asteroid with the power to cause a whole planet to fuck itself to death can crush into the Earth once, who’s to say that a second interplanetary aphrodisiac couldn’t crash into us today? And if it did crash, what chances would we have to resist the arousal induced space dust if the mighty dinosaurs couldn’t?
2 Responses to “Apocafuck Doomsday Orgy Asteroid”
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Interesting to note that if this had happened, we’d never know. They’d never tell us.
3rd para, 1st sentence, last word: “dinosaurs”?
“..death of the asteroids.” might the most amusing typo I’ve had in awhile.
One thing I am enjoying about apocalyptic fiction is the uncertainty. Theories abound but by their very nature, they are impossible to disprove. It creates a large margin of fun.