Nostadamus and the Apocafuck

Apocafuck (uh-pok-uh-fuk)- A universal disaster brought about by or resulting in an orgy of sensual fornication.

The Apocafuck was hinted at in certain Chinese scrolls and on some Egyptian pots, but one of the most famous predictors of the Apocafuck was of course Nostradamus. Nostradamus wrote about the Apocafuck in his book, Les Propheties, but due to the orgiastic nature of his prediction, the quatrain referring to the Apocafuck was censored from published editions. It wasn’t released until after his death in 1567. At this point publishers were eager to profit from any scrap of his writings. His prediction about the Apocafuck was finally printed in the omnibus edition of Les Propheties in 1568 but later copies frequently have this part censored.

The original Quatrain was written in French with Greek verbs and Latin punctuation. The most commonly agreed upon translation reads as follows:

“When men and women lay with each other and with themselves
The world trembles with the moans of pleasure
Every sin of the flesh will be committed and celebrated
The last climax of the Apocafuck will be the end of us all.”

Some Nostradamus scholars have argued that this quatrain was not meant to be a prophecy but was in fact his own version of a dirty limerick. They point to the lack of esoteric symbolism and clarity of his message as proof that this was not a serious prophecy. Some scholars have made the convincing argument that because you can understand what is happening easily, it can’t possibly be a true prophecy.

What is ambiguous is that it is difficult to tell if Nostradamus is predicting that a great orgy will be the cause of a disaster, or only a symptom of a great disaster. Few of his other quatrains about the end of the world refer to sex although there is one that is either about byzantine political plots of the 1600’s or predicting hentai.

“Coils of snakes wrap around mothers of purity
The West falls and rises on tentacles of lies
hundreds of snakes lie in the church
assaulting our youth as they cry for more”

This has not stopped moralists from trying to use Nostradamus’ Apocafuck quatrain for their own purposes. In 1721, Puritan philosopher William Couge warned that Nostradamus was describing the end of the world if divorce was legalized. In 1853, John Puskin argued that the Apocafuck would happen if women were allowed to have orgasms. In 1964, Edgar Hoover wrote in a memo to the President that the Apocafuck would happen if African Americans had sex with white people. As recently as 2007, Reverend Billy Jobson declared that the television show, ‘Desperate Housewives’ proved that the Apocafuck would happen within as few as five years.

It is the opinion of the writer of this blog that Nostradamus saw the future and was not in fact warning us of it, as much as he was letting us know it was destined to happen. Be telling us about it, he was hyping up our anticipation of such a world changing event. In our opinion, Nostradamus was engaging in some Apocafuck foreplay.