Apocafuck Hessle Index

Apocafuck (uh-pok-uh-fuk)- A universal disaster brought about by or resulting in an orgy of sensual fornication.

Apocafuck experts in the summer of 1967 were terrified by the events of the time. Over a hundred thousand people converged in San Francisco to try a new way of life. Rejecting the commercial patriarchal trappings inherent in American society, these drug taking, rock and roll listening peace freaks knew there had to be a better way to do things. As spontaneous gatherings occurred in other major cities around the world, Apocafuck Scholars collectively shitted bricks.

Professor William Hessle was one of these shitters. He had a background in European History and also happened to be in a rather sexless marriage. He was personally threatened by the wave of hippes as the sight of long haired men did strange things to his almost extinct libido. He realized that the Apocafuck might be happening right now and if that was the case, he didn’t want to miss on some man on man loving before the world ended.

To determine whether the Apocafuck was really happening or not, Professor Hessle decided to come up with a formula. He lacked an understanding in mathematics but he was fortunate to find another closeted homosexual professor who shared his interests. Combining Hessle’s historical knowledge of the Apocafuck with a statistical index, the two created a fairly useful formula much in use to this day. The Hessle Index is the recognized standard among Apocafuck Scholars although it is sometimes mistakenly called the Hussy Index.

The name of this professor is lost to history but we know from Professor Hessle’s notes that he was a devout Baptist, was fond of pipe smoking and had shoulders like a Greek God.

One of the impressive things about the Hessle Index is how encompassing it is for a formula written in 1967. For example, the Hessle Index shifts into a higher scale for when abortion is legal in the United Stats. Another example is the 80 point bump for when quote “Teenage singers are flashing their naughty bits on a weekly basis”. Apocafuck Scholars had a second round of the shits when item 782 (A big black tit decorated with cool jewelry is show on national television) came to past.

Of course not all the events in the Hessle Index have come to pass yet. As of yet, ‘Group marriage shall be legal if all participants are hot chicks’ has not happened. Neither has item 322, ‘A man can legally jack his cock on the bus if he has nothing better to do’. Some Apocafuck Scholars feel it is just a matter of time.

As for how the index works, it is quite convoluted. The math involved deals mostly in imaginary numbers and quantum functions. In fact, the number of people known to actually be able to accurately calculate the Hessle Index is currently seven. Fortunately the writers of this blog are in constant contact with one of these seven mathmeticians and will update the Hessle Index for the good of the public.

Right now, the Hessle Index is at 5623, which is enough to make some Apocafuck Scholars stock up on Pepto Bismol. If the Hessle Index ever reached 6969, then the Apocafuck will be happening right now. A difference of 1346 might seem like a safe distance, but in the convoluted math of the Hessle Index, we are one incident of ‘a totally awesome orgy on the White House lawn’ away from utter destruction and sex.

Stay tuned to this blog for the latest updates of the Apocafuck Hessle Index.