Nov 282007

Around last Tuesday my sex drive dropped. No big deal, it happens sometimes. It sucks to be a sex writer with a dead sex drive but I didn’t worry about it. I knew I was one good episode of ‘Dr. Who’ away from getting it back.

Thanksgiving came and I had a pretty lazy day. I played insane amounts of City of Heroes and spent sometime playing the wonderful Bioshock.

Friday came and that night I went to a party hosted by Valerie. We played dirty word scrabble with a group of mostly lesbians. There is nothing like watching a lesbian play the word, ‘Pud’, and then explain it. I won the second game with BJ on a double word score and I’m still pretty happy about that.

Saturday I woke up with a tight chest and the sense that I was going to screw up big time. I felt incompetent, stupid, childish and lame. I was scared of everything. I was scared of hanging out with friends, I was scared of messing up my wife’s birthday, I was scared of alienating people, I was scared of writing a shitty blog, I was scared of doing anything.

Monday wasn’t much better. Tuesday was pretty bad but I think I held my shit together enough for my wife’s birthday. Luckily she had an awful day at work and weirdly that took the pressure off me. I knew nothing I did would be as bad as what was happening at her job.

I was/am convinced that her birthday was a big trigger for this current anxiety attack. We just had an anniversary where we did everything under the sun and now I feel like I have to find one or two more wonderful things to do for her birthday and I am just flat out of inspiration. She’s been looking at me all week to pull one more romantic miracle out of my ass and you know, she deserves one more romantic miracle but fuck if I had any idea what to do.

So, because work was such a bitch, she wants to move her birthday celebration to the weekend. That’s fair. It also means that I have five more days to do something that will keep this from being a sucky birthday.

I so need to get my shit together.

  9 Responses to “Anxious”

  1. 1) I love Dr. Who. I had a hard time adjusting to David Tennant, but he’s quite good. And then I was happy to see Christopher Eccelston on Heroes.

    2) You’re talking about 2 things and I’m wondering if they’re related. a) no sex drive and b)wifes b’day celebration. Is the celebration required to be sex related or just romantic? Or maybe just fun?

    Am I asking too many questions? Sorry….


  2. Ha, I didn’t think of that. My wife’s bdays are usually low sex affairs as she much rather be spoiled with gifts, food and time out on the town. Weird, after 14 plus years of being with her, I have no fear of sexually disappointing her.

    I only mentioned the low sex drive because lately I have noticed it precludes anxiety attacks. I wanted to keep better track of such dips just in case it means anything.

  3. I have been in one hell of a funk and have noticed a couple of my friends (who have depression issues) also in the same cycle.

    I wonder if there’s something in the water…the sky…astrological or some such shit. It would be nice to be able to pinpoint this on to something other than yourself.

    Side note, it’s rough when you have two big celebrations close together (for me it’s Christmas and my birthday – same month and to close together)

  4. I find that when I am depressed I crave a lot of sex but anxiety completely erases my sex drive. I recently discovered xanax works wonders for my anxiety but I cannot wholeheartedly recommend it since I am deliberately not taking anymore myself because of the dependency factor (and the fact that it scared the shit out of me how much difference one little pill could make).

  5. *hugs*

    Breathe- you’ll be fine and have a good weekend.

    And… ahhh, Dr. who. Look up Dr. Who Time Crash on youtube if you’re through season 3 (through the kindness of the internet, like me)

  6. because of my seasonal affective disorder (SAD) i always have a hello of a time coming up with presents for people this time of year. whiich messes up not only Chanukah presents but also gifts for the January birthdays of my sister and mother.

    one year i completely forgot my mother’s birthday, because the SAD destroys my brain. iw as mortified. no card, no nothing! so i had flowers deliveerd to her down in florida. she loved them, they lasted for a couple fo weeks, and she wasn’t afflicted with more STUFF to clutter up the house in perpetuity.

    me, i LOVE flowers… unfortunately, i don’t know your wife so can’t give any suggestions tailored for her. have you ever sent her to a day spa? would she like that sort of thing?

    as for you, have you ever tried relaxation exercises or any such thing? my main experience with anxiety attacks was when i though i was dying of cancer (i did have cancer, but didn’t die). i did some visualization exercises, and was functional again very quickly. but maybe that sort of thing is more effective with highly suggestible submissives and not so well suited to doms…

    feel better, sweetie.

  7. Sorry to hear about the low sex drive… anxiety can do that… I think it’s the change of weather or seasons sometimes.

    Hmmm… romantic ideas for Wife’s b’day… definitely agree on the day spa or at least a mani / pedi or quick massage.

    Flowers are good. Girls night out arranged by you without her knowing. Favorite food or dinner.

    If there’s something she’s always been meaning to do like take a class of some sort, arrange for an intro lesson 1 on 1 to give her a taste of it. Whether it’s sky diving, scuba, karate, kick boxing, cooking, knitting or whatever.

    Chocolate always works for me! :) mmmm

  8. Hey Sugar, you feeling better? Come up with anything wowserish for the wife?

  9. I have appeared to survive for the most part. I arranged an impromptu birthday dinner at one of her favorite places. I made reservations for nine and 12 people showed up but it was all good. Sunday I had panic attacks again but I think sometimes I’m anxious from being anxious for too long.

    Thanks everyone for your kind words, kind e-mails and patience.

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