Super-Size

I watched ‘Smoking Aces’ last week. The movie premise was pure gold to me. A bunch of interesting, all unique hitmen go after one poor bastard who is just as interesting. It’ll be one big giant character collision where they will interact and bounce off one another. I had to see this movie.

What I got was the story equivalent of a dozen drive-by killings. Interesting hitmen collided in ten second barrages of bullets. At some point the movie makes a big point of how life fucks you over for no reason, and then reinforces it five more times with five more pointless deaths but I thought the point was best served by how I felt fucked over by the movie for not living up to it’s premise.

It reminded me of my disappointment with ‘Ocean’s Eleven’. I love the actors in it but we barely get any time with them except for the main three or four. I remember ummm, Chinese acrobat guy and umm, there were some brothers, and ummmm, a funny guy? It’s a movie that teases the audience with eleven great actors playing eleven great potential characters but instead it turns into eleven cameos.

Being an egotistical writer, I thought I could do a much better version of Ocean’s Eleven. It would be the porn version but that’s all right cause I do porn fairly well. I’d gather eleven great characters and they would fuck, alot. Since I was doing a long story on the Internet, I wouldn’t have a two hour time limit that forces me to only give five minutes to Chinese acrobat guy. It would rock.

A funny thing happened to the porn story; I realized I needed a plot. And that is when all Hell broke loose.

Sure, I could do a porn parody of ‘Ocean’s Eleven’. The movie was a heist movie super-sized to have eleven crooks. The porn equivalent would be a heist story with sex. I started to plot it out when it occurred to me that all this heist plot was a distraction from the eleven great characters I had in mind. That got me thinking about the fact that ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ works because it is a regular plot who all know, the heist, except it is enlarged to epic proportions. What I needed to do was come up with a porn plot, and super-size it.

Take what is perhaps my favorite novel of all time, ‘And Then There Was None’, by Agatha Christie. Ten strangers meet on a secluded island and are killed one by one by one of their own number. Ten really neat characters interact and coincidently, die in the order of least interesting to most interesting. What makes it great is that it is a mystery plot, super-sized and self contained. We have ten suspects and nine victims. At the very core is just a typical mystery, except we have it times ten: nine crimes to solve and one killer to figure out. It fascinated me when I was six, it fascinates me now when I am 34.

Porn on the other hand doesn’t have it’s own unique to itself plots. Let’s ignore typical porn movies which I define as ‘We need six sex scenes and I don’ care how you contrive it’. Let’s stick to porn literature or porn movies that aspired to plots. Once you cut out the straight satires, that only leaves two kinds of real plots by my count-

1. Coming of Slut story- Stories in which a character grows as a sexual being. This is 99% of all BDSM plots. The story is character driven where the slut starts off either virginal or frustrated and through an escalating sequence of events, becomes a fully awakened sexual being.

2. Picaresque- I am probably using the term wrong, but these are stories where one character travels around, falling in and out of sexual adventures. The main character using gets laid through either their beauty, or their cunning rogue ways. This is actually more common in movies that attempt a plot. Stories that try this are more likely to fall into the Mary Sue trap I have found.

And that is where I am now. I’m thinking of more common porn plots that don’t fit into those categories. Neither of those two lend well for a super-size version, though it amuses me that BDSM Beach did. At this point it’s become more of a challenge than a desire to write. I will most likely default to a porn parody if I do write my super-size story but right now I feel like there is too good of an opportunity to do something unique. If only I could figure out what a super-size porn story would look like.