Jun 052007

At this current moment in space-time, I am a polyamorous married man who is far more creatively oriented than anything else. I write erotic stories and take erotic photos because I always have been and always will be obsessed with sex. Everyone does it differently and everyone has an opinion on it but in so many things, sex is often ignored or hidden. And when people do write about sex, I often feel they are all re-discovering the wheel because I see them explore the same themes over and over again. I am as guilty of that as anyone else but what motivates me is the underlying thought that erotica can be better than it is. To get to the better, I sharpen my skills on the mundane in an attempt to understand what it is about the cliches of erotica that fascinates us endlessly.

The female gender will always be a mystery to me no matter how I devote myself to admiring/studying/craving/fucking/loving them. No one can hurt me as much as a woman can, and nothing can make my heart race like a woman. When I am loved by women, I feel like I have done something right. When a woman scorns me, I feel like the universe has found me wanting. That is not a healthy way to live but man, the highs are just so blissful right now.

I have dominant tendencies but lately they seem confused and contradictory. I think I perceive submission as approval. When a submissive agrees to whatever torment or pleasure I command, I feel like they are doing it because they approve of me as a person. When a submissive disobeys or forgets something, I don’t see it as a fault of the submissive as much as some sort of fault in me. As if the reason they didn’t bend over was because I have some quality they reject. I see a bit more clearly now why a lot of my d/s relationships have failed. I need to realize that ‘No’ means ‘no’ to this moment, not to me as a person.

Physically I am in the best shape of my life which is weird to say at 34. I exercise, I eat so much better than before and I treat sleep as something that has to be done instead of something I can put off. I am amazed by how much my physical well being translates into emotional well being. It’s not just the self esteem boost that comes from being fit, but just a pleasant all around feeling. Some days I just feel happy for no reason and I have to wonder how much of that is health related.

Finally, at this moment in space-time, I really want a chocolate glazed doughnut.

  One Response to “Self-Portrait”

  1. *laugh* I love that last line.

    I think I’m going through a similiar phase myself. Not with the dom bit of things since I live with a very strong woman and I am a non-practicing poly, bi-sexual switch. But, I notice some of my writing has encounter a bit of burps. Thankfully, I no longer consider bad reviews as attacks on my person, like I used to fifteen years ago, but there is still a bit of conflict with me and my writing.

    I just hope you keep at it. I look forward to the pirates and the peeps and don’t forget the librarians.

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