May 302007

“Looks like your luck has finally run out, Lucky John,” Captain Mangebeard said. The crew laughed at this statement of the obvious. It wasn’t a funny joke but bloodlust can make the simplest things hilarious.

Lucky John nodded in agreement. This was pretty bad. His hands were bound behind his back, his boots were loaded with old biscuits and his pants had been doused in fish blood. This was not how he wanted to take a long dive off a short plank. As for the plank, it was already bending from his weight. Down below in the warm waters, he was pretty sure he saw the fin of a shark. The only bit of land to be seen was too far to swim to and a complete unknown even if he could get there. This was as bad as things could get but then again, they didn’t call him Lucky John just because he had never picked up the French pox.

“Come on boys,” Lucky John said. “We’re brothers of the sea. Can’t you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

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“Forgive you?” Captain Mangebeard yelled. “You had my father’s compass stashed away in your pack! That was the only thing he ever gave me and you stole it!”

“You had my good dagger stashed in your boot!” Itchy Nuts Ned said.

“You had a bottle of good rum in your bunk, when everyone thought we had drunk the last of it a month ago!” Salty Rob said.

“You always snore and swear you don’t!” yelled Good-Ears Charlie. “What? He does and that pisses me off!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” Lucky John said. The plank creaked under his weight as he wobbled above the water. “It is clear that I have wronged you. Although we are all vicious pirates who once spent a wonderful afternoon making Spaniards die a slow death, I see now that I may have gone a bit too far.”

“That was a good afternoon,” Salty Rob said. The crew agreed.

“Right, but don’t let that pleasant memory sway you,” Lucky John said. “I have been a bad crewmate, and this certain death is a just reward. I only wonder though if you could indulge me before I meet my maker. I would like a chance to confess my sins. Although I have never sat in a pew a day in my life, I find myself getting a sudden craving for religion.”

The crew muttered among themselves. They were a band of dirty nasty cutthroats who would bugger their grandfather for a bottle of rum, but they were religious boys. A man shouldn’t die a drowning shark biting death without a chance to save his immortal soul. Besides, one day they themselves will face the Lord’s judgment and it might help their cause if they can say they once helped Lucky John save his soul.

“It’s only right,” Captain Mangebeard said. “Confess your sins, Lucky John and may God have mercy on your damned soul before he commits you to the eternal hellfire you deserve.”

Lucky John looked out to sea. When he looked back at the crew he had once called brothers, the sadness in his eyes was gone. The chance to unload all of his secrets had actually brought a smile to his sea chapped lips.

“Let’s see,” Lucky John said. “Dear Captain it is my sad duty to inform you that when last we were in Port Royale, your wife gave me a send off that I know for a fact lasted an hour longer than yours did. I know this because she said me your stamina was as long as the tiny dagger you call a cock.”

“I wouldn’t snicker if I were you, Salty Rob,” Lucky John said. “I buggered your wife too, as well as Fred’s, Tommy and Bart. They were all fine lasses but really guys, you need to spend more time with them. A kind smile and a saucy word was all that was needed to part their legs. Itchy Ned, I didn’t fuck your wife for obvious reasons, but I fucked her mouth and her ass, and not in that order.”

The crew muttered darkly but they let Lucky John continue. Despite his perilous situation Lucky John was getting into it. He bounced a little on the plank as he kept talking.

“Well, this feels good. Remember the virgin daughter of the governor we kidnapped and returned with her virtue intact? Well, she didn’t exactly go back with her treasures untouched if you get my meaning. Aye, I knew we all swore to not touch her but the pretty lass begged me seven times and I am ashamed to say I gave in seven times as well. It probably ain’t safe for you to go back to Martinique.”

“Parrot Pete? Your parrot didn’t fly away; I took him to the hat maker. There was this beautiful Spanish whore with the biggest tits you ever saw, and she wanted a hat made of feathers. I know he was your lifelong companion but by Christ I swear her tits were bigger than cannonballs. She was worth every feather let me tell you.”

“One Leg Larry, your last leg wasn’t stolen by street urchins while you were asleep like I told you. I stole your leg and used it as a dildo on a rather deep whore in Trinidad. I made her a bet I could reach her deepest waters so to speak and for winning that wager, I had her three daughters. I guess I could have cut you in for a share of the wenches but it had been two months since I fucked three wenches at one time.”

“What else? That missing cask of Amontillado? Sold it to a whorehouse in St. Kitts for an all night orgy. The pearl necklace we hung Hook Hand for stealing? I gave it to a whore in Monserrat in exchange for letting me give her another pearl necklace of a more personal sort. Oh, and the bag of emeralds? Sold to whores and I can’t quite remember who or what but rest easy boys in the knowledge that I fucked the Hell out of them.”

Lucky John stood taller despite the wobble of the plank. “This does feel good. I see why the bloody Catholics like this confessing business! What else can I remember?”

“Eric, I put my dick in your mum and I’m sorry about that because she wasn’t as nearly as good as she promised she would be.

“Manny, I am the one who shot my spunk in your fine French shirt but honestly it was a slow week of wenching so you can’t blame me.”

“Oh, and remember Dandy Dan? Well his real name was really Dana and he was a she, I swear to God. She ran off to be a pirate and kept her gender a secret. I found out her secret and I should have told you lads but damn, she had the prettiest cunt of any wench I had ever seen. I kept her to myself and we used to fuck every night in the crow’s nest. I feel really bad about that boys because she used to say she wouldn’t mind servicing the entire ship. I was a little too jealous to let her do that though and for that I am real sorry. She left when her belly began to bulge and now you know why Dandy Dan decided to dessert us when we reached Jamaica.”

Lucky John paused and looked back out to sea. “Sorry about all that. I think my soul is purged now.”

“How the fuck did you do all that?” Captain Mangebeard said. “How the fuck did you betray us, steal from us and in Dandy Dan’s case, fuck us without even a hint of remorse?”

Lucky John shrugged. “Just lucky I guess.”

He jumped off the plank before the crew could rush him. He sank into the water with barely a splash. Knives, spit and a cutlass fell into the water around him as the crew gave him their own version of absolution.

“See? See? That’s what I was talking about!” Captain Mangebeard yelled. “God, what a dick! I only wish we could kill him again!”

The crew muttered in agreement and went back to the business of sailing. They hoisted sails, swabbed decks and talked about that bastard Lucky John whose luck seemed to come off the sweat of other men. Some of them wondered if Lucky John had told them every sin, while the others tried to remember if Lucky John had meet their daughters, mothers and wives. All of them however wondered if there was a way to get Lucky John’s luck.

The crew was too busy to notice a certain bastard break the surface of the water. Lucky John’s rope was cut and gone, freed with the help of a hastily thrown knife. A stunned shark floated nearby, not used to having a cutlass rammed down its throat. Within an easy swim lied an island shore that was much closer now than it was before Lucky John’s speech. Confession did little for Lucky John’s soul, but it did wonders for the distance he needed to swim.

Lucky John began his lazy swim. He didn’t know anything about the island and he had no idea if he would survive the night but that was okay. Lucky John realized long ago that luck wasn’t something that happened to someone. Luck was something you took and when it came to taking, few people were as eager to take what they want as Lucky John.

  3 Responses to “Fiction: The Confession of Lucky John”

  1. Oh, a kick-ass story and a lovely theme after my own heart (luck). I liked this character a lot, both intelligent and a slut.

  2. t’sade- Thank you. Luck has been on my mind of late.

  3. good story! i read an article last year in psychology today that talked about how people who considered themselves to be lucky simply interacted more with their environment and so when good things came along they could take advantage of it whereas the people who considered themselves to be unlucky shut the world out.
    here is to being lucky today.

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