Mar 222007

Tomorrow I’m heading to Memphis to stalk Terry Pratchett at MidSouth Con. Wish me luck in figuring out how to transfer some of his brilliance to me. BDSM Beach will be updated before I leave in the morning unless I oversleep and have to flee the house in a hurry to beat Atlanta traffic.

The biggest problem I face is I can’t get a housesitter for my two cats. I’ve tried my friends and even tried a house sitting service, but all have declined. I am thinking it has something to do with the instructions I printed out for the potential house sitter.

Dear House-Sitter,

First things first, please remove all of your clothes as soon as you enter my door. You haven’t earned the right to wear clothes in home even if I’m not there. Please leave your underwear on as since it has been my experience that all women are insatiable cunt dripping sluts. I have no desire to find damp spots on my furniture.

Your primary duty is to feed the cats once a day, and refresh their water bowl every hour. They will be fed at 7 am every morning. For every minute you are late in filling their food or water, your ass will be spanked once. Please record your lateness in the journal provided.

The air conditioner must be set at 68 degrees as that is what the cats prefer. To keep warm, clothespins will be provided. Just apply them to a cold part and the sharp pain will warm you up.

Erotica will be provided for your entertainment. The books are on the dinner table though I ask you do not masturbate while sitting on any of the furniture. Under the dinner table would be acceptable.

Bedtime is 9pm sharp. You may use the guest bed and you may even get under the covers. Please secure your right leg to the right bed post using the restraints and rope provided. Keep your leg bound until you get up at 6 am. After getting up, please wash the sheets and pillowcase. Every morning.

In order to ensure alertness and eliminate complacency, a digital camera will be provided. Please use this camera to compose six nude slef photos of yourself. Photos will be graded on creativity, sexuality and ability to give me an erection.

In case of hurricane, fire, earthquake, government raid or crazy hillbilly attack, the cat’s safety is your top priority.

We will return Sunday night to administer punishments/rewards as needed. Also, you will be expected to preform a relaxing blowjob to help me unwind. Conventions can be so stressful.

  6 Responses to “House Sitter Rules”

  1. Hmmm … Don’t see anything out of the ordinary with your directions. Can’t imagine why you’re having trouble finding someone!

  2. Sarengetty- I know! Sheesh, help today.

  3. I would think those instructions would attract house sitters, not deter them.

    Perhaps, though, they are confused by the instruction to (1) remove all of their clothes and (2) leave their underwear on.

  4. wordslut- curses! I should have had you edit my instructions. Sigh, can’t these girls read my mind?

  5. Forget the cat-sitter, I’m gonna use those instructions for a girlfriend!!

    Hey, and have fun at the Con, wish I was going. :(

  6. Here’s what NOT to do at a con – go up to “fandom person” overhear them say they are hungry and go “hey nice to meet you” point at door “we’ve got a van, want to go to lunch” – definately way to freak them out.

    Husband and group of men went to a ComicCon and met the Penny Arcade folks and Scott Kurtz – after introductions, one of the men (after saying they were from WV) said, “hey we’ve got van, want to get lunch.” Talk about uncomfortable, how do we get out of this one silence!!

    Have a great time.

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