Dec 112006

Christmas may just be the greatest enemy the libido has ever faced. I know that sounds crazy but I am noticing some interesting patterns this year. I know that spring is usually the traditional time for lust, but I am wondering if it just takes that long to get our sex drives back after Christmas.

I don’t think Christmas is a threat in a religious sense. As a Buddhist, Christmas is my favorite of the Christian holidays. It is a time when Christians are encouraged to stop killing people different from them and be nice for once. It is a time when Christians are asked to give instead of take, and to spare a moment of thought to those less fortunate than us. It’s a remarkably nice holiday by Christian standards; free of the murder and guilt that marks Easter.

No, I think Christmas is more insidious in a subtler manner. Christmas has demands. It promises so much in the way of free time, family gatherings, parties and sheer loot but it doesn’t come for free. There are payments that must be made and most of those are our time, energy and focus. Three things incidently enough, that you need to you’re your libido alive.

Christmas is the one guaranteed break we get 365 days a year work life. Everyone is closed on Christmas and if you are lucky, you might even get a week or two off. But here’s the catch. To get that time off, you got to work twice as hard now. You have to pay your dues and exhaust yourself now so that then December 25th rolls around, you can have that time off without worrying about the economy crashing.

Christmas is the time where we gather with family and friends. Blessed be the hermit who’s holidays social life is their cats because anything as complicated as people takes way too much work to be fun. Organizing, scheduling and then actually doing a party is an immense achievement and it blows my mind how much sex is being missed for a party where everyone discusses their kids and jobs. If your family is anything like mine, then you also have the extra hassle of dealing with the family that doesn’t like each other and forcing everyone to put on a happy face. I love the good will of Christmas but shit, it’s exhausting.

Then there are the presents. You want them. They want them. No matter how much you know Christmas is not about gifts; deep down we are hard wired to expect great things for Christmas. That means gifts must be bought, gifts must be chosen and gifts must be opened. A holiday dedicated to good will is one long treasure hunt and that wears out everyone. It’s a month or more of intense foreplay that results in one climax on Christmas day and I don’t care how good your sex is, one climax is not enough for that much work.

Is it no wonder that after all that stress, people just give up fucking till spring rolls around? Who has the energy? With all the build up for Christmas, people are tired emotionally, physically and financially. You couldn’t create a better celibacy conspiracy if you tried.

You can’t avoid Christmas. But now warned you can at least prepare for Christmas. Masturbate. Fuck. Buy yourself something dirty or pornographic and do it often. Invest in at least one piece of Christmas lingerie. While you shop, arrange parties and work weekends for the time sink that is Christmas; don’t forget to keep your sex drive humming. Just like a car left in the driveway for the winter, you need to crank your sex drive up and make it roar for a few minutes.

So this month, crank it. Crank it good. Crank it for Christmas.

  8 Responses to “The Christmas Libido Conspiracy”

  1. There’s also this


  2. sleive- That is freaking awesome. I’m marking it down now.

  3. I just snuck off to the laundry room for some clandestine cranking while the child watched Sesame Street.

    Does that count?


  4. I agree, bah fucking humbug.

    Now, the Global O I am so in on.

  5. AAG- Yes, yes it does.

    Tess- lol, I think I’m in too.

  6. Yay… Spread the love!

  7. I think it was Carlin that said no one gets laid cause all the coats are on the bed. I’m tired already.

  8. I’m wondering about the effect of the lack of sunlight on libido.

    On Global O day, is having more orgasms better? I could contribute at least 3 or 4 … if I secure permisson!

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