Jul 212006

A few weeks ago I was flirting with a vanilla friend. She knows of my domination tendencies though she has no interest in ever submitting. At one point she expressed surprise that I hadn’t grabbed her by the throat and had my way with her. It made me smile but I was also surprised by how little interest I did have in dominating her. It got me thinking and I now have a personal theory called Dom Diffusion.

I am not an aggressive person by nature. I can make friends with just about anyone. It comes from the fact that I almost never come into conflict with people. Even if someone is just flat out wrong, I respect that they believe what they believe and I deal with them like they see the universe. If someone thinks dogs are stealing his credit cards, then I’ll keep an eye out for dogs so he can keep his wallet safe. I treat everyone like I am a guest in their universe. Deep down I am not threatened by other people’s universes because I am confident that my personal universe will not be affected. If anything, I might learn something and write about it later.

This attitude confuses other dominants. Most dominants I have met have this constant aura of aggression. They see the world as something to conquer and control. They boss around other people and if they meet another dominant, they feel the need to take that person on in an alpha male kind of way. They are constantly subjugating the world around them and I think they are a dominant because they really don’t have any other choice.

Submissives I meet tend to not take me seriously. They are used to being conquered. They are used to being chased. They are used to the dom taking the lead and hey, maybe they’re right. Maybe that’s how it should be.

What I do is far more passive. I tend to exert control as the submissive gives it up. I move in where their will retreats like a sort of Control Diffusion. If a submissive says she doesn’t like to make a choice on something; I take that as an invitation to make the choice for her. If someone is willing and offering, then I take what they offer.

Sounds terribly dull doesn’t it? Where’s the passion? Where’s the rough grab and battle of wills? Where’s the drama? For me it’s a matter of eliminating the head games. I don’t want to harass, bully and beat someone down to my will. I want them to enter my universe of their own free will.

What has really fucked up my relationships is this is how I start. I move in as the submissive gives up. And once I am there, I stay there. I keep the lines of communication open and it’s consensual at all times, but once I move in and take control of something, I assume it is mine to have. I don’t like the shifting of control like something that needs to be bargained for every time. As far as I am concerned, a submissive is someone who wants to surrender control and be my creative project, my fucktoy and my anchor of submission. If I have to re-seduce them every time or threaten them into submission with the sheer machismo of my ego, then they really don’t want to be there.

And that’s when the ruthless side of me kicks in. If someone offers me an ass to spank, then I am going to warm that ass and enjoy myself. If a mouth is offered then I am going to use that mouth till my cock is damn good and ready. If someone wants me to be in charge than damn it, I expect to be obeyed. I think my demands throw my submissives because they mistake my passive approach at first as some sort of lack of conviction. Just because I don’t throw a woman down the first time we meet doesn’t mean I won’t growl when someone directly disobeys me.

I don’t know. Maybe I should be more aggressive. Maybe I would have happier relationships if I engaged in a bit more conquering. I just know that isn’t true to myself. I don’t want to overwhelm a submissive and bend her to my will, as much as I want my will to be so attractive and what they need that they drop themselves into the tide of my needs.

The nice thing about being a mindful person is that I know that even though this is my current attitude that it is not set in stone. Maybe as I learn more about myself I can change so that the people I have relationships with are happier. Or maybe I can learn enough so I can explain myself better and have more good relationships instead of bad.

  18 Responses to “Dom Diffusion”

  1. Uh-oh! I think I’m in trouble.

  2. I don’t think you should change a thing. The dominance you describe sounds perfect to me! After all, its about what you feel comfortable with. Trying to fit in with the norm is exactly what “we” try to avoid isn’t it?

  3. Tempting, innit? “If only I changed tack a little bit, I’d find sooo many more people to hook up with…” The problem of course is what happens when the bloom fades off that particular rose. What you have left is two people pretending to be what they think the other person wants, and it can’t help but end up unhappily.

    But DO explain your personal type of play to another potential playmate, and hopefully one will fall willingly into your arms, without any need to compromise general style for either of you, and you will be all the happier, and more comfortable for it. … um… this is my theory at least. It still hasn’t worked for me yet, of course, since I have no cute little sumbissive to do evil things to, but I’m assured by Bob, who has, well… me! That it works. One can only hope. And cross my fingers for you!

  4. The grrl who was surprised. I know that feeling all too well. I had a friend who reacted oddly when she found out I was bi. She was surprised that I had never hit on her and even though she was very straight – she seemed offended that I hadn’t come on to her.

    Does being bi mean I must come on to every woman?

    and for the grrl you know –

    Because you are dom – does it mean that you must conquer all?

    I am quite submissive. I am learning more about that every day and just how deep it actually goes.

    It doesn’t mean that I’ll submit to just any person who “commands” me. I choose where my devotion goes. To the rightful master – not just any dude with a presence.

  5. I’d say don’t change a thing. You operate in the way that works for you. You may want to explain a little bit more, since you aren’t what most subs aren’t expecting. But don’t change.

  6. Sounds like a more natural way of Dominating anyways. Also brings to mind the phrase “be careful what you ask for, you just night get it” I don’t think all who think they are submissive really are. I think the sort you are looking for is one who IS a submissive, not one who “gets submissive” during play. I know for me, it isn’t play, it isn’t a role I put on, but who I am. For too many, both Doms and sub’s… it seems to be a role they pull out when it suits them. *shrugs* whatever floats their boat I suppose.

  7. Someone very wise said to me recently, “It’s not up to you to clean the consequences of being yourself. Let other people handle that part. Be you because deep down you is pretty fucking hot.” Right back at you, dear.
    In my not-so-humble opinion, you are amazing and unique and that’s a good thing. You don’t need to change yourself. Any change that needs to happen will come naturally, because you are an open and mindful person and you’re embracing the journey. Enjoy the scenery! And trust that other people will find what they need.
    Big hugs.

  8. I think alot of subs love the kind of Dom you are. Just like not all Doms are full of constant aggression, not all subs want to constantly be controlled. I know I would prefer someone like you over the other type.

  9. M- I think you like being in trouble :)

    Dirty Secret Girl-I agree. I do forget sometimes that all bdsm people are outcasts of a sort. It does seem silly to conform to other bdsm folks.

    Mad- Thanks :) It is terribly tempting and you would think our experiences would have taught that lesson a little firmer, don’t you?

    Tragic- My wife has that same issue with being Bi. I really wonder if the majority of people assume those with alternative lifestyles are automatically insatiable.

    Janelle- Thanks.

    I-girl- Yes, wether or not I am a Dom or a part time Top is the subject of another post I need to write. I do think there is a ‘play’ problem going on with the people I meet but I’m still thinking it through.

    brightred- That sounds like a smart guy. I should follow his advice :)

    rope girl- Thanks bunches. I think sometimes I fixate on what fails rather than what worked. Comments like I have recieved today have really reminded me that I am not so singular.

  10. “I treat everyone like I am a guest in their universe. Deep down I am not threatened by other people’s universes because I am confident that my personal universe will not be affected. If anything, I might learn something and write about it later.”

    I love that. Really. Everyone should read that and follow it. :D

  11. “Deep down I am not threatened by other people’s universes because I am confident that my personal universe will not be affected.”

    Which is why the person you are is so fabulous. Quiet confidence and self-awareness are rare traits in general, much less with Doms. If Doms are confused or subs don’t take you seriously, perhaps its a question of their world being too small to accomodate a more “come hither” style of Dominance. And past relationships should teach us things, but not that we’re deficient in who we are — only that we’ve not found the right person yet.

    Somehow, though, I don’t think you could be untrue to yourself for long, but that’s JMO.

  12. I find it very impressive that you are able to look at yourself and be able to see that aspect of you so clearly. So many times people are not able to really analyze themselves and come to a great conclusion.

  13. The dom/ sucb world I find so intriguing for its psychoanalysis on motivation and power and communication. I always enjoy your exploration and self refelction.

  14. Stay true to yourself, Shon.


  15. Am I the only one who thinks dog stealing credit cards is hilarious??

    Maybe I miss the point.

    Or maybe what you say doesn’t surprise me: you’ve already expressed yourself as this sort of man, though indirectly.

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