Jul 122006

Ahoy! I’m Pirate Barbie. I’ll be spending the day with you while Shon goes to the pool and leers at Stay-At-Home-Apartment Moms in bikinis. Below you’ll find some smut that Shon promised you. I don’t see the appeal. I mean Amaya is hot and what she does today is very naughty, but I prefer my porn to have more pirates and strap-ons. Oh well.

Since I’m minding the blog today, ask me anything. I’ll give love advice, tell you the best way to scrape barnacles off your ships or tell you where the best rum is in Tortuga. We’ll sing a few songs and when someone gets drunk enough, we’ll strip them and have our ways with them! So go ahead me hearties, ask away.

  15 Responses to “Ask Pirate Barbie”

  1. Dear PB,

    How does one meet a male pirate? This Web site seems to deal only with female pirates.


    PC (pirate-curious)

  2. Dear PC,

    Blame Shon for that one. I wanted to have three rousing days of hot male pirate on male pirate action but noooo, Shon had to do strap-on deck sex.

    To find your own male pirate, do what Captain Tempest did and go recruit your own. I find mine at the Renn Fairs. Or you can go online to bit torrent sites where pirates steal music, movies and porn all day long. Hike up the skirt and see who tries to board you.

    Pirate Barbie

  3. It’s only 8:37 and I’m already three sheets to the wind.

    Any advice?


  4. Dear Drunken Girl,

    Drink more rum! And while you’re that wasted, go pick up some men, or women as the your flag flies, and go get laid! Trust me, morning sex is better drunk.

    Pirate Barbie

  5. Ahoy PB,

    Where be the best places on a pirate ship to fuck?

    Ye matey,
    The Explorer

  6. Ahoy Explorer!

    The best place is the Captain’s quarters as it has a bed and usually less lice. Failing that, the crow’s nest is a personal favorite as the rocking of the ship is at extremes up there and its like fucking in a roller coaster.

    Pirate barbie

  7. Where’d you get that killer blouse, Barbs? I mean I have ravaged the shops on Madison & Fifth and have yet to find anything with those awesome detachable sleeves. Did the sleeves get lopped off during one of your dildo duels? Perhaps we can start a clothing line together and sell those magnificent ivory strap ons too. Partnership?

  8. Ahoy Tess,

    I got this fetching blouse from Target. Every year they do a Halloween Barbie and a few years ago it was pirates. For you though, I’d suggest taking loose fitting clothes and getting into a few gangbangs on the beach. That’ll give you the torn rugged look that works so well for pirates.

    Pirate Barbie

  9. Dear PB,

    Why did you get the hot pirate outfit? Isn’t my name Skipper, for fuck’s sake? You pirate whore, always getting first dibs on the loot. Who does a Skipper have to fuck around here?


  10. I got a bunch of questions!

    1 – is that your real hair colour & does it ALL match?

    2 – Is drinking rum from a wench’s navel allowed aboard ship or do I have to wait until we dock?

    3 – Should I let my Pirate Kylearyn watch?

    PS – I saw him gaze adoringly at your feminine pirateness. Don’t be getting any ideas!

  11. Ahoy Skipper

    You flat chested little pirate Ho. The reason you don’t get any bitching clothes is cause your chest is as empty as an honest merchant’s. As for who to fuck, fuck the Captain. Always fuck the Captain. Fucking anyone else is fun, but you get more shit done fucking the Captain.

    Pirate Barbie

  12. Dear Tragic,

    That is my real hair color and I’ll cut down any bitch who says differently. I don’t care if it looks like Blood Red slaughter #3, that’s my real color.

    Drink rum from a wench’s navel anytime you want. It’s better on a ship though as the salt air adds a certain kick.

    Aye, let him watch! It gets his saber good and ready for a long treasure burying if you get my drift.

    Ha! I already got me some ideas and will be looting him when you least expect it.

    Pirate Barbie

  13. Dear Pirate Barbie:

    Why don’t you double-joint one of your high-heeled feet and shove it up your scurvy ass.

    If you straightened up from that rum cask you’re always bent over, you’ll see that Captain likes his little flat-chested boy-girl.


  14. Dear Pirate Barbie,

    Any good ideas for removing temporary tattos??

    ~ Wench Mandy

  15. Ahoy Wench Mandy-

    Use rum and two horny sailors with large tongues. If it doesn’t remove the tattoos, at least you have two large tongues to work with.

    Pirate Barbie

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