There is something about Thursdays that make me want to share myself. Of course, it helps that my sleep schedule this week has been hectic and I just don’t have the clarity of mind to write the story I am thinking about. Either way, you get a big old dose of Shon today. To keep Half-Nekkid where people can find it easily, I’m going to ask you to click Whole Post to see the rest of my thoughts today.
I have a social anxiety disorder. Odds are I have always had it but in the last three years it has really escalated. Apparently this is normal among social anxiety sufferers as something happens in a person’s thirties that cause them to loose a lot of self confidence. My theory is that the fictions of teenage invulnerability finally wear off and the reality of day to day life takes over. For a while I suspected it was 9/11 but after examining my life and doing more research on the disorder, I see that I have had it all my life.
The definition of my disorder is that I develop irrational anxiety in situations where I feel like I am being judged. I could be in a store and suddenly get terrified that people are looking at my hair, my weight, and my clothes and making judgments about myself. I get nervous, start to stutter and fidget. Then people really are looking at me because I am so nervous and it just reinforces my fears.
The frustrating thing is these emotional states come and go. I can go two weeks just fine and then one day have to pick up the phone and order dinner and I am terrified that I will screw it up, embarrass myself and somehow make the poor delivery person think less of me. It’s not a rational thing, and there aren’t any clear triggers of what will cause an episode. But when an episode strikes, it makes me feel like I am ten years old and helpless.
As my anxiety became more and more frequent, it spilled over into everything I did. I stopped writing because I felt nothing I wrote would be good enough to be free of criticism. Which is true, but to my irrational mind, it meant I was a bad writer with too many flaws to keep writing. My anxiety froze me from looking for a job because I could rationalize myself out of why anyone should hire me. Socializing was out of the question and something I never initiated.
When I try to explain this to my friends, they are always surprised. That is because people with this disorder tend to bond to a support person, and when they are around that support person, they have greatly expanded courage. For me, it’s my wife or whomever is my submissive at the time. I can still have an episode of anxiety but when I have one, I can usually work through it without becoming a nervous wreck.
One time the husband of a sub I was dating told me that I was the most out going fearless person he had ever met. This was before I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and I thought he was crazy. Now I see that he was right, but it was only when I was around his wife, someone I trusted and knew would be there to support me in anything.
Now I am much better but still deal with it too often for my tastes. I take some herbal medication that has gone a long way to keeping me from freaking out but the most important thing I have done is just be aware of what is happening to me. Now when I have an anxiety attack, I am aware of it and I can apply some cognitive techniques to calm down. Best of all, just knowing that it’s a disorder helps me not get depressed about what is happening. I no longer sit around wondering what kind of coward I am.
Obviously my writing has returned and I can thank the positive responses I have gotten from readers for that. Being able to write something every day has gone a long way to repairing my self-esteem. I still have my moments of dread but those are far between. When my output is this high, I feel like a bad story is quickly covered over by the next good thing I write.
I have a job where I can work from home. I’m not sure if that isn’t giving in to my anxiety a bit, but at the same time it’s a huge boost to be working again. I feel less like a freak and more like a normal person.
The only thing I really regret is that I do not know if I can ever have another submissive again. My insecurities strike and I go from Cool Ruthless Dom Guy and turn into Needy Wanted to be Loved guy. Sometimes I think that my needs would be attractive to a submissive because they would know I needed them not only on a sexual level but on an emotional support level too. Other times I realize that this is a lot to ask when a lot of submissives look to their Dom to be their rock and their support and here I am in danger of an anxiety attack at any moment.
It doesn’t help that my last submissive broke up with me before I realized I had social anxiety. I don’t blame her for leaving me because all the things she said were true. I wasn’t in control of myself, much less her. I didn’t always follow through with things because I doubted my reasoning and worried that something I did would make her upset with me. In very polite ways, she told me I was a crappy dom, or at least that’s what I heard.
Now I think I would do much better but I can’t deny that I am definitely a Dom with issues. Considering that I am already married, I would be fulfilling a recreational role for someone, and having issues does not up my value. I don’t consider myself completely hopeless, but I have yet to encounter BDSM stories about a submissive who dreams of being dominated by a guy who sometimes needs to be reassured and calmed down when he is sitting in a restaurant.
There is also a lot willpower involved in domination and I doubt myself there. I can develop the same anxiety about a long relationship that I can about total strangers. A sigh or an annoyed frown can sometimes trigger me into ‘Oh my God, I’m sorry, please love me!’ mode as my wife calls them. Again I am better at identifying it now but man, when they happen, I can’t help but worry that I would lose the respect of my submissive.
Time will tell if I can have a successful domination relationship again. I just find it funny that I could be upset about so many things with my disorder but it’s the fear of never having a woman on her knees before me, completely bent to my will again that worries me the most. I think that fear drives my writing right now. The thought of never having a woman to use as my creative canvas again really makes me think of the thousand and one things I would miss. I want to write it all down. I want to spell out scenes I may never have again in the hope that a reader out there will take that scene and live it for me. I feel like if I can’t do, I can at least be the improper teacher.
11 Responses to “Nekkid Feelings”
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I’m impressed with your decision to open up on this sensitive issue.
I’m not into BDSM (well, not much, anyway), but I would think that to be successful you need to gain confidence. The way to do that is to take small steps toward your goal, knowing that each time you move forward you have completed the previous step successfully.
Just a lay opinion. Hope it helps!
It takes a confident man to talk about things like this in a public forum, especially one as volatile as the internet.
You’re further along than most people in that you know you have a social condition and you admit it, and you’re doing somethng about it.
As Cherrie said, small steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Keep fighting the good fight.
I actually think you are a very brave man to face your fears as you are takes courage and strength. I have not experience to much BDSM but I think you may have more of the Dom in you than you think. I am sorry you are struggling with this. Believe in your strenghth, you have shown it here to us.
I liked this honest appraisal of “a Dom with issues” and “I have yet to encounter BDSM stories about a submissive who dreams of being dominated by a guy who sometimes needs to be reassured and calmed down when he is sitting in a restaurant”.
I often find the bravado and bragissimo (is that the right word?) in peopole when they are discussig sexual practice and experiences a bit ho hum, as I can’t alwayss ense the deeper challenges. I love the sex blog forum as a place somone expose their intimate fears and desires.
I imagine that there are many people particularly in the BDSM scene who struggle with issues of power and control and that may be part of the attraction.
Cherrie, Nick, Thru My eyes and Sabine- Thanks for your reassuring words. It does all boil down to the small steps. My form of therapy relies heavily on cognitive awareness where I do the tiny tiny steps and build on those sucesses. I think my fear boils down to that I doubt any one would be willing to take those steps with me, but your assurances go a long way to making me feel that maybe I am wrong. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It really means a lot.
I agree that it takes alot to be able to admit what you just have. But as a novice compared to most others in this field I am not sure what to tell you. I would advise working through you anxiety and then getting back on top with the Dom interest. Because you owe it to yourself and your submissive to be in top shape and fully in control.
Vixxxen- Thanks. It’s amazing how now when I do not have a submissive that I spend more time reading, thinking, writing and planning about domination than I did when I had one.
“I don’t consider myself completely hopeless, but I have yet to encounter BDSM stories about a submissive who dreams of being dominated by a guy who sometimes needs to be reassured and calmed down when he is sitting in a restaurant.”
Any submissive who wouldn’t help her dominant through such a thing has no business calling herself a submissive. Dominants are Human too and part of being submissive is SERVING our dominant…
I’d never in a million years walk away from my dominant if he developed social anxiety disorder unless there was really no other option. I’ve HAD social anxiety disorder in the past; I understand what you are feeling completely. And as a submissive it is my role to support my dominant as much as it is his role to support me.
Rey- You said exactly what I think but thought might be too selfish to expect. Thank you bunches for assuring me that the thought exists on the other side so to speak.
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but I have yet to encounter BDSM stories about a submissive who dreams of being dominated by a guy who sometimes needs to be reassured
Maybe I should write some down!
Somewhere between sir being someone who would occasionally do dom-like things to me and him being my sir, he had a terrible night at a con, and wound up crying on my shoulder. Being able to help him, even a little bit, makes up for all the crappy times when I’ve cried on him, and makes me fall even more stupidly head over heels in love with him.
So, you might not have seen it in the stories, but the relationship definitely exists!