Aug 312018
 

Over the years I often feel like a failure for not keeping up with my blog, or maybe taking longer than usual to write a book or kicking out a new Vaquel story the week it is due to be posted instead of having a buffer. This alien sex gladiator book is so big that it has created this illusion in my mind that I am not getting anything done. I have been working on it since last December and by my math, I am 89% done with the first draft. Once that is done, then I have to figure out how to properly proofread a 500K word project. With a book this big and so much more to do, spending time on any other writing project feels like procrastinating.

To combat that, I have set a schedule for myself, complete with target goals of writing time and an Excel sheet that breaks down my progress. Now I have blocked out my time into Primary Time, which is for writing my current book, and Secondary Time, which is for blogging and doing whatever nonsense is needed to get other books ready for Kindle. right now the ratio of Primary Time to Secondary Time is 3:1.

During my lunch time, I have been watching Ken Burns’ documentary on the Vietnam War. It is a heart-wrenching story but one of the bits that cracked me up was the Secretary of Defense’s need for metrics during the early sixties. He wanted every point of data, from weapons, to number of fights, to enemy killed, turned into a universal metric so he could look at a place and say “This village is 35.4% pacified.” His demand for data was so great that one point, base command was generating something like 9,000 pages of data per week. This 9,00 pages were never actually used for anything because no one had time to read 9,000 pages of data.

That got me wondering if my Excel sheet with my Primary Writing times and my Secondary Writing times might turn into something equally silly. I don’t know. For now it has helped me take weekends off from writing when I hit my goals. It also lets me look back on the week when I am particularly discouraged and see that no, I actually did do something this week. Heck, i had time to write this blog post because I hit my goal for the day with my Primary Writing.

 

 

Aug 292018
 

Le Manoir is a 2017 French horror/comedy movie about a group of kids who decide to have one last party together before they all move away. To do this, they rent a mansion in the middle of nowhere with no cell coverage, no wifi, and a woods crawling with wild animals. Of course, people start dying.

Despite the generic setup for a horror movie, what makes this movie stand out is the plot never does anything you would expect it to. The virginal quiet girl who would be the heroine in any other horror movie is a nor character at best.  The first kill takes quite a while to happen. There is no mythology or explanation for the killer until the very end. There is no designated hero which creates an interesting dynamic of not knowing who will live or die. I have seen a few critics cite this as a negative but to my jaded horror-watching self, I count unconventional plotting and pacing as a plus.

Plus, I just found it really funny. It is a New Year’s party with a year 2000 theme so we have horror movie characters dressed as Ron Weasley and Baby Spice freaking out. A dying character’s last wish to see two women strip plays out in the unsexiest way possible. One character spends most of his time trying to remember the name of the athlete with spatulas for feet who killed his wife. It is a lovable group of morons who probably wouldn’t survive the night at a normal sleepover, much less one with a killer after them.

If you like watching young people die at a secluded location and you want a break from the Hollywood style of making them, give Le Manoir a try.

 

Aug 272018
 

So there I am, browsing the erotic fiction section on Ebay when I come across what looks like a Western. At first I thought the book was in the wrong category but that title, “Head Hunter: Hard-Riding Posse” sounds like the kind of stuff I would pull. It is from 1988 and written by EJ Hunter.  Let’s check the back of the book and see what it says.

“When Concho Bill Baudine leaves a stagecoach full of corpses in the Texas Panhandle and hightails it to Kansas, Charity Rose is after him like a shot out of hell. The auburn-haired vixen has been hot for Bauldine’s blood since the sidewinder slaughtered her father, and she’s npt going to let him slip from her grip this time.

As she heads north, she runs into a caravan of traveling tarts en route to the nearest bordello. When their rat-faced boss tries to add Charity to his stable, he ends up with a few pieces missing and Charity ends up in charge of the soiled doves. Then Charity leads the band of buxom beauties in an explosive attack to bring down Baudine, making them the hottest posse the West has ever seen!”

Hmm. I still couldn’t tell if it was porn. The cover proudly proclaims that this come from “the author of White Squaw!” which made me wince but hey, this might be western theme action porn. I had to try it.

After reading the book, I am still not sure if it is porn. It is a pretty good Western story that happens to have sex scenes. The sex is short and a bit flowery. How flowery? At one point I had to re-read a paragraph to make sure penetration happened.

I will say, the plot was more interesting than the sex. There are a county where two towns are fighting over who gets to be the county seat. Whomever has the county records at a certain date is declared the seat, so the towns keep stealing the records form each other in a weird game of Capture the Flag. It is a neat idea and one I would love to steal for a role-playing game.

But if you spot the Head Hunter series in the wild, don’t fall for the lovely cover and promise of “Adult Western Fiction” tag. It has less porn than an average HBO drama.

Aug 242018
 

Writer, producer and awesome human being, John Rogers, had this to say on Twitter recently.

“. . . it is perfectly acceptable, when working on a scene that vexes you, to write “DUMBEST VERSION” along the top of the page and start from there. As I, a human who has been writing professionally for 25 years, just did. Give yourself permission to suck.”

It is truly great advice. I have lost count of how many times I have stared at the blank page, not willing to write a scene or story because it was just not right in my head. There were problems. I didn’t quite knpow how the characters would have sex. I didn’t like the color of someone’s hair. For whatever reason, I wasn’t willing to commit my idea to words because the words weren’t perfect yet.

Which is a bullshit reason to not write something cause let me tell you, even if you think you have all the right words to put down, you’re going to change those precious little babies in the rewrite. The most perfect ideal concept in your head is not going to be perfect once it gets on the page. There will be rewrites. Go ahead and put that shit on the page.

I have been writing since the 90’s and I still struggle with this. We all do. Sometimes it is not even perfectionism at work, it can be simply having no fucking idea what happens next. That’s cool, you still write something down. The act of writing your inferior idea down is going to give you very strong feelings about what is wrong with it. From there, you can craft the better idea.

My mental trick for coming up with the “Dumbest version’ is what I call the campfire scenario. Imagine you are sitting around a campfire with your friends. They are trading stories and it is your turn. You have to say because your friends won’t let you pass. In that situation, I will spit out something. If it sucks, who cares? The next person in line will tell a story and your blunder will be forgotten.

But in the meantime, you got it started.

 

Aug 222018
 

I was a kid living near the beach in the 70’s. Thanks to Jaws, that means I was traumatized rather early by the idea of sharks ripping off my legs if I wondered into two feet deep water. I got that fear but there is something about shark movies that always brings to mind the simple horrors of childhood. Forget Pennywise, my fear as a kid was sea monsters.

The Meg is a big action movie with Jason Statham and it is okay. There is a big prehistoric shark and the bald British guy beats it by driving a sub really well. It is what you expect out of Hollywood and it was a fun distraction.

The book the movie is based on, Meg: a Novel of Deep Terror, is crazy town. There is a big prehistoric shark and it proceeds to scare the shit out of the reader in every chapter. The United States Navy gets involved and loses. The giant shark terrorizes whales, surfers, boats, nuclear submarines and one really bitchy reporter. It culminates in a big battle that ends with a character pulling the beating heart of the shark out of the shark. It is a completely ludicrous story that never hits the brakes.

Sadly, it is also a story with characters so cliched that calling them one-dimensional gives them too much depth. There are only two women, the Evil Bitch, and the Bitch Who Gets Nice to the Hero Later. Men are either Good or Dishonest Assholes. It was written in the late nineties but it feels like a retrograde Ian Fleming novel.

But, I am not kidding when I say the shark scenes are fucking cool. Remember that scene in Jaws where one guy is tossing chum into the water? He turns to talk to someone, and then turns back to water just in time to see Jaws about to take his hand off? Remember how that scene made you realize death could strike at any moment? Well, once the giant shark appears in the Meg, those scenes happen in every chapter. It is so nice to have a book that made me swear constantly because of the HOLY SHIT moments.

So yeah, if you want giant shark action, give the book a try. If you rather not read the horrible gender portrayals, then stick with the movie. It won’t be as fun, but you get women with real personalities and a wet Jason Statham.

Aug 202018
 

Amazon’s Pledge is a series by Sarah Hawkes that takes place in a magical fantasy world.  Jorem is a sorcerer fleeing from a country that hunts, castrates and murders sorcerers. He runs into Kaseya, a really hot Amazon warrior woman with a wounded friend. Kaseya offers to pledge her life and body to Jorem in exchange for healing her friend. Jorem, being a nice guy, heals the friend and says don’t worry about the pledge. Kaseya informs him that she already made the vow and is now his sex submissive. In Kaseya’s culture, they believe sorcerers will go mad with magic and power unless they take out their urges on hot willing women, a job Kaseya had trained all her life for.

Now, if you think this whole Amazon bodyguard/sex submissive business is a bit over the top, then rest assure that ninety-five percent of the characters in this story agree with you. It is a common running theme of everyone snarking on Jorem for what looks like a regressive relationship. Hell, Jorem agrees with you. It doesn’t stop Jorem from fucking Kaseya though, especially since the empathic bond created by the magic collar/ring combination lets him know how much she craves his rough touch. Kaseya is a willing participant in all this and there could be an argument to be made that she manipulated Jorem into starting this bond.

But honesty, the sex bond is a side part of the story. The real story is about Jorem and Kaseya trying to survive in a new unfamiliar country while Jorem’s enemies from the previous country continue to hunt them. There is quite a bit of action scenes, intrigue and mystery as well as plenty of complications.  If this was a non-sex book, I’d still read it because the writer is just that good. The fact that there is plenty of submissive rough sex is almost a bonus.

I have read the first three books in the series and enjoyed them a lot. A third character joins the duo and they become a lovely, if chaotic, polyamory threesome.

Aug 172018
 

Someone recently mentioned buying one of my books trough Lulu. That reminded me that I had books on Lulu. The last time I got a royalty check from them was last year and I think it was under five dollars. I don’t blame Lulu. I genuinely forgot I had books there.

Which is a shame because there are some good books there. Pusse and Cox, and Tales of the Wild Kiss are some of my favorites and it feels silly to keep them on a site no one is buying from. I should change that and move them to Amazon with the rest of my books. Of course, I will have to edit and reformat them but hey, the editing is never done.

I won’t take down a Lulu version until I have the Kindle version ready. At the rate I do things, I plan to have everything transferred over by the end of the year but you know how that goes.

If you would like to buy a hard copy of my porn before it vanishes, I recommend you do it now. Here are the books, in the order that I will probably transfer over.

Tales of the Wild Kiss.

The Collette-Ashbee Collection.

Prisoner of the Wizard’s Harem.

I am unsure if or how I will transfer Island Princess Bedtime Stories and Activity Book as it includes coloring pages and puzzles that were meant to be written in.

The Farmer’s Daughter’s Almanac is also unlikely to be transferred as it was never meant to be sold for a profit and includes other people’s work.

Also available in hard copies are Cell Phone Slave, Violatrix and Seven Magnificent Sluts. I will be taking those down September 1st.

 

 

Aug 152018
 

Aster is a computer game where you play Aster, a cute blonde space lady, who shoots asteroids, aliens and space pirates. If an alien ship comes in contact with her, your ship is paralyzed while aliens bang Aster. If you make it to a boss fight, then you are treated to a slightly more deluxe sex scene with pirates. In between levels, you spend your hard earned currency on upgrades.

That’s pretty much it. It is advertised as a minigame, which is a polite way to say that the gameplay is similar to what you would find in an 70’s arcade, complete with really hard controls. That can be a good thing as I sometimes just want a game where my brain shuts off and I shoot shit dead. The alien/pirate sex scenes are just bonus.

Part of me feels like I am too old to be playing a game this simplistic that was clearly designed for horny young guys, and the other part gets a naughty thrill from unlocking every new sex scene. It feels like a dirty arcade version of my Vaquel stories, which I am totally okay with.

You can buy Aster here.

Aug 132018
 

I am a huge fan of Kim Newman dating back to when I was a teenager and he wrote Drachenfels under the name of Jack Yeovil. I am also a huge fan of his Anno Dracula series which puts just about every vampire in popular ficiton together in the same universe. I had heard of his Diogenes Club series but it is only in the past few years that it was collected for American audiences. It was worth the wait.

The Man From the Diogenes Club is a collection of Newman’s short stories about a very neglected branch of the British secret service that deals with magical/alien/whatever-the-fuck-this-thing-is threats that normal government can not handle. They focus on one agent, Richard Jepsen, who’s eccentric wardrobe could give Dr. Who a run for his money. Jepsen has some psychic powers which aid him but his real power is his willingness to do anything to save Queen, country and the world.

The stories range from the 1970’s to modern day, which lets the reader see how the agency and Richard change over the years. Since these stories are written recently, they take a take a non-nostalgic look at this ease earlier times that i really enjoyed. The mysteries are genuinely intriguing even to my jaded supernatural-investigations experience. Jepsen picks up two companions, which gives the stories another Dr. Who similarity although maybe the Avengers would be a better comparison. It is hard for me a to pick a favorite story although the one about the genius mastermind from another timeline being brought to life in our one timeline might win out. But then again, the story about the magicians trying to stop the moon landing still lingers in my mind . . .

if you are the kind of person that wishes the BBC had another series about someone investigating weird shit but without the emotional trauma of your average Torchwood episode, then this book is for you.

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Aug 102018
 

Back in the day, the first porn stories I posted were parodies of erotic fiction and late night soft-core movies. Part of the reason was that by calling my stories parodies, I could pretend that the stories were not well written because I wasn’t taking it seriously. The other reason I wrote parodies was because I had issues with the cliches and plot holes of the erotica I was enjoying. It is a paradox that I had serious structural problems with porn but I only felt comfortable discussing those problems by pretending I was trying to be funny.

Which brings us to one of my favorite video series, the Porn Critic. Written and performed by real life porn director, Dick Bush, the Porn Critic is a tongue-in-cheek idea about a serious porn critic dealing with the many plot inconsistencies of porn, especially in the porn parody genre. The series is played for laughs but underneath the comedy is some real annoyance with the stupidity of porn plots.

The average episode goes scene by scene of a porn movie and skips the porn. These used to be hosted on YouTube and even though it obeyed all the rules, it still got taken down because YouTube prefers white supremacists and conspiracy theories over anything remotely sexual in subject. This plays well to the premise as the lack of sex or nudity keeps the focus on the story of the movie being critiqued, which is where all the comedy is to be found anyway. I find the show hilarious and as a writer, there is something so satisfying about seeing a fellow porn nerd rant about the lack of plot.

Dick has begun uploading the videos of the series to Porn Hub which you can watch here. Or you can go to his personal website and watch the videos without having the see ads for porn stolen from content providers.

If you like your porn with decent plots, I also recommend checking out Dick Bush’s movies.

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