The West might have been Wild but in the little town of Brown Mud, we had no trouble. Part of it was because we had no gold mines, no train tracks and a healthy crop of strange tobacco that kept everyone mellow. The other main reason we had no troubles is because the baddest bad ass of the West would come by once a month to fuck our local sheriff, Johnny Lumber. Her name was Texanah.
Texanah was a wildcat. Long blonde hair, big grand tetons and thighs that could crush a steel caboose made her the proudest woman ever to call herself a Texan. The woman rode around and righted wrongs, killed those needing killing and fucking the shit out of most everything. That gal was a real American.
Now her and Johnny Lumber had an understanding. It was a bit complicated but it went something like this: When Texanah was in town, no one better commit a crime because Texanah was knocking boots, boobs and pussy with the Sheriff. If someone did commit a crime, why Johnny and Texanah would shoot them seventeen times and hang them for the interruption.
It was a right good arrangement and it kept the people of Brown Mud well protected. Texanah usually came around the 22nd of every month like clockwork, though some of the lady folks hint that it was some sort of internal clock that kept Texanah coming back around that time. Whatever the reason, she always came on the 22nd.
The problem came when Texana showed up early on the 16th one month. She rode into town and saw that there was another horse tied up outside the sheriff’s office. Even worse, she could hear the sounds of crazy sex coming from inside the building. Sheriff Lumber was giving his wood to someone else!
“You got ten seconds to get your whore ass out here so I beat the brown mud out of you!” Texanah yelled. The crowd applauded her clever way with words in how she worked in the name of the town. Some cowgirls just have style, you know?
Seven seconds later, out came the woman in question. It was Meximaria! She was the meanest, toughest and most attractive woman south of the border! She had long black hair that she wore under a tassled red hat. Her great tits were the color of dark tea smothered under her white blouse. Leather chaps encased thick thighs that could hold onto a raging Republican.
“What the Hell are you doing here, chica?” Meximaria said.
“What the Hell are you doing with my man?” Texanah said.
Meximaria walked out into the street. Texanah stood her ground but turned to face her. The people of Brown Mud got the fuck off the streets to give them some room.
“Your man? You have a lot of nerve coming here and saying that, punta!” Meximaria said.
“I don’t know what that means, but I am not surprised that a whore like you might know foreign dirty words!” Texanah said.
Johnny Lumber came out of the sheriff’s building. His pants were still around his ankles. His piece was swinging between his legs and everyone understood what exactly the fight was about.
“Hey gals, there is no need to fight!” Johnny said.
“Shut up!” both women yelled.
Jophnny Lumber stood there silently like a good boy.
“On the count of three, draw,” Texanah said to Meximaria. “Or do you not know American numbers?”
“I am just surprised that you can count to three,” Meximaria said.
Texanah narrowed her eyes. Meximaria flexed her fingers. Both girls had their hands inches away from their guns. I started to play a little whistling tune on my flute to set the mood.
“One,” Texanah said.
“Dos,” Mexmimaria said.
“Three!” Texanah said.
Lightning quick hands went into motion. Both ladies whipped their pistols out of their holsters and started shooting. Lead was flying thicker than a mess of hornets.
Now when men shoot each other, they stand real still. I think it is because it makes them look good but women understand that standing still makes you easier to hit. Texanah and Meximaria was dancing and weaving like a june bug crawled up their snatch. The two women were shooting and dodging, shooting and dodging.
They weren’t hitting each other but they were coming close. A bullet went right through the shoulder of Texanah’s vest and her tit popped out. A bullet went through the side of Meximaria’s pants and her chap leg fell down. Texanah barely dodged a bullet to her crotch but she lost her belt buckle. Meximaria stepped out of the way of one bullet but it shot the button off her blouse and popped it open.
The smoke of gunpowder hung in the air. It was as thick as the smoke around harvest time. We held our breaths as we waited to see which one of the two ladies survived. When the smoke finally cleared, both ladies were still standing. Their clothes were in tatters around their feet. All they had on was their hats and their boots!
Texanah and Meximaria kept pulling the triggers but their guns were empty. Men might have reloaded but these two hellcats couldn’t be bothered. They tossed down their guns and ran straight for each other. They were going to settle this by hand.
I once saw a prostitute bathe in whiskey but I ain’t never seen nothing more beautiful than those two running at each other. Texanah with her lovely canyons and Meximaria with her dark melons were like proof that God was a man. Why, if they ever invent the moving picture, they would just film those two running all day.
The two women collided into each other. They then bounced off each other as their breasts crashed together. Both ladies shook their heads and then dived at each other again.
This is when things got real ugly. Or real pretty depending on your place on the street. Those two witches tore at each other with their fingers and teeth. They scratched each other’s tits, pulled on each other’s bushy sex hair and bit each other’s thighs. They rolled around on the dirt and since we just had a good rain, they were getting good and muddy. Somehow they managed to keep their hats on, but what would you expect from such legendary cowgirls?
They rolled and tussled and they bit and shoved. They rolled down one end of the street and back up it. Around and round their tits and ass went and they were kicking, screaming, scratching, biting and hissing the entire time. Shit, I wouldn’t mind watching that every Saturday night.
At some point the screams were started getting personal. It sounded a lot like moans. Instead of scratching, it looked like some fingers were stroking and pinching. Hands went to private parts and stayed there, but more importantly, it didn’t seem like the other was trying to push them away. Biting of tits turned into sucking of nipples and kicking with knees turned into straddling of thighs.
They stopped rolling and were right in front of the sheriff’s office. Texanah had her head between Meximaria’s thighs, while Meximaria had her head right up on Texanah’s cooch. They were kissing each other right there on their sexes! It was the wildest thing I had ever seen. I guess only a woman could stand to eat that!
“What they doing?” Sheriff Lumber said.
The ladies kept eating at each other.
“It is some kind of lesbianism!” Molly, the school teacher said.
“Lordy!” Sheriff Lumber said. “Isn’t that how women get the vote? We got to stop it!”
Sheriff Lumber went over to the horse trough and grabbed a bucket. He filled up a bucket of water and came back to the kissing ladies. That bucket of water emptied right on them and doused them all wet and shiny.
“Oh Hell, no!” Texanah said. She stood up in all her wet naked glory.
“Madre Fuckero!” Meximaria said. She stood up in all her wet naked glory.
Somehow, both ladies were wearing the other’s hats.
“This woman is ten times the man you are between my thighs!” Texanah said.
“This senora can get between my legs any time she wants, but you never will again!” Meximaria said.
“Now hold on ladies,” Sheriff Lumber said. “I’m sure we can go inside and talk this out. Maybe we can invent the threesome!”
What happened next was too fast for the human eye to follow. Sheriff Lumber fell to the ground with two black eyes. Texanah and Meximaria spun around from the force of their swings. They looked at each other and whispered something.
No one knows what they say, but the two gals walked straight to the hotel and got themselves a room. They had wild loud sex for a good week before they were done. When they finally finished, the two rode off in different directions, swearing to meet back next month.
As for Sheriff Lumber, well we elected Molly the school teacher to his job and things have been quiet ever since.