Feb 182008
 

One sentence summation: Coach Carter meets Boogie Nights.

Aging former porn star, Brock Horn, comes out of drug rehab to return to his old porn company as a director. He used to be a cocaine snorting two orgy a night party animal but thanks to the power of Oprah and inspirational books, he is now a no nonsense hard working paragon of porn star sensibilities. His methods are radical but his old company, Fuck’Em Pictures is dangerously close to bankruptcy and the current CEO and ex-costar is desperate to try anything.

The first thing Brock does is institute mandatory drug testing and a zero tolerance policy among his stars and his crew. Because this is a ninety minute feel good movie, we’ll pretend that drug testing cures addiction and not deal with any messy rehab scenes or withdrawal episodes. We’ll also have one porn star, Stacia Skank, walk off the studio rather than submit to drug testing. This is important because near the end of the movie we’ll see her as a dead street walker to bring across how the bitch should have stayed with Brock’s tough love style.

The next thing Brock does is insist on updating everyone’s looks to be classy and sophisticated instead of the trashy way everyone usually looks. The real porn industry would never have girls as trashy as the ones we show in this movie but that doesn’t matter. If this movie is going to hit the couples-movie demographic we’re aiming for with a Valentine’s Day release, we need to show the porn industry as the trashy whorish 80’s fashion nightmare mainstream audiences expect it to be.

Brock gets into several arguments with his crew and stars that all boils down to one conflict- the porn people have low self esteem and therefore low expectations of themselves but damn it, Brock thinks they can do better and one aging porn star giving a rat’s ass about a girl fresh off the bus can make a difference. The porn people find true love, eat vegan meals and invest their money wisely in off shore accounts.

The climax of the movie comes when one of their painfully artistic movies gets nominated for an Oscar. That shit will happen and we’ll use CGI to make Brock and one of his sexy stars appear on the red carpet right next to whomever is hosting American Idol this year. They lose of course but its alright because now they have sparked a revolution in porn and everyone gets a house and a white picket fence.

The money shot for the movie (so to speak) will be Brock yelling an inspiring speech to his crew right when things look the darkest which film logic dictates will be at 57 minute mark.

Brock: God damn it, I know what everyone calls you! They call you whores! They call you hacks! They call you cock sucking addicts who aren’t worth a damn! I heard all of that when I was a slut banging cokehead living out of my van! But I say you are worth something! Jill, you couldn’t even read your own name and now you are reading your poetry at the coffee shop! Johnny, you used to do heroin with Paris Hilton and how you’re clean and running marathons! Candace, you used to be an ugly makeup lady but since you got rid of your glasses, you’re the hottest piece of ass around! We’ve turned our lives around and now we’re going to make the best mother fucking barely legal gangbang ever made!

Casting Preferences-

Brock Horn- Viggo Mortensen
Jill Carrera- Kristen Bell
Johnny Pounder- Elijah Wood
Candace the Make-up Lady- Hayden Panettiere
CEO of Fuck’Em films who hires Brock and becomes his love interest- Sharon Stone and her upskirt. Fuck it, we’re talking full frontal and a tasteful romantic anal scene.

I think I see a franchise with this one.