Michael Powell did this drawing of a not-quite character of mine that I call F-Toy. I use the term not-quite because I have her in my head but I don’t have any stories for her at the moment and she has become a sort of ghost in my head.
Years and years ago, I read an erotica book with a title I can’t remember. It was about a woman who lives with a couple as they train her to be their sex toy. I didn’t like the book because it was more about suppressed the submissive’s identity to nothing and I was still in a romantic frame of mind when it came to BDSM fiction. It also included some sex that was squicky for me which prompted me to trade it in.
The weird part of that book was the last 50 or so pages. That is when you find out that the cellar of the couple’s house has hundreds of sex slaves, all without identity, all masked and all in a sort of sexual limbo of fucking. The ultimate goal is to have the main character become one of these creatures and it sort of baffled me. It was the most interesting part of the book and I wished the whole book was like that.
Now that I am a more mature pervert, my interests have changed. Romantic BDSM holds little interest and I am more intrigued by the surreality of weird fiction. Too much of BDSM fiction deals with the psychological quandaries of desire, submission and motivation. It justifies, quantifies and in my mind, normalizes BDSM to something mundane. Weird fiction however deals with other realities without the hindrance of realism. Things exist because they do and for no other reason. I find myself thinking back to that book that I wonder if that was a theme that I had missed in my younger worldview days.
And that is where F-Toy comes from. Originally I called her Fucktoy but that almost seemed too specific. F can stand for fetish, fantasy or freak. F can be as much of a designation as a number. F-Toy appeals to my sense of mystery. F-Toy also asks the reader or watcher what they think the F stands for.
I don’t have a story for her yet and I doubt at this point that I will. She exists as a concept. A story would tell too much. A story would give her conflict and motivation. A story might unmask her.
So I had a drawing made of her. I wanted to capture her visually if I wasn’t going to do so textually. Maybe it is better this way. F-Toy exists in my head and on paper as the toy she was meant to be.
I also want to take a moment to praise Michael. He took my reference pictures, my incoherent thoughts and my goals and he made it all come to life. He nailed it and it is a special moment when an artist creates what only existed in your head.