May 272006
 

Picture this- Unexpected expenses have made this week really tight budget wise. My wife and I really can’t afford to do anything which sucks because we were psyched to see X-Men 3. She has a rare three day weekend and other than staying at home, nothing to do. I suggest three days of sex but she says she’s done that already. My wife is a little depressed about being broke right around a holiday.

Around 9:30 last night I was speaking to a woman that I had been chatting with all week and she mentioned that she got stood up to go to the Renn Fair tomorrow. Now this is a possible spanking friend who lives in town and we’ve been trying to figure out a good time to meet for the first time. My wife hears me say Renn Fair and she whines a little. We missed the Renn Fair completely last year and damn it, we’re going to miss it this year.

And that is when possible-spanking friend offered to take us to the Renn Fair instead. Or maybe I offered. I don’t remember anymore because my social anxiety is kicking into gear and I’m nervous as fuck. We really can’t afford to go but if tickets are taken care of, then we can swing one over priced lunch. It’s going to be humid and hot and not the best conditions for meeting someone for the first time. I have been getting along great with possible-spanking friend but we have been chatting for only over a week. What if my wife hates her? What if I hate her? What if possible-spanking friend hates me, my wife or both?

I wish I had gotten a haircut.

I wish I worked out more.

I wish I would calm the fuck down.

The only good thing I expect from all this is that it is Renn Fair, it’s the first threesome date my wife and I have done as a couple in a long time and it’s the fastest I have gone from meeting someone online to meeting them in person. So even if wide disaster strikes and makes this a day that will live in blog infamy, then at least I am sure to get some good story ideas out of it.

May 252006
 

Mad has been a friend of mine for a little over two years. We meet on a BDSM Talker which is like a role-playing game for kinky people. I don’t hang out there any more but Mad was kind enough to come visit me in my little corner. Yesterday she accused me of having a kegel fetish. It never really occurred to me before but she’s right. Here is the special not so secret origin of my interest in clenching.

When I was a teenager, my aunt came to live with us for a few months. I loved my Aunt because she was stubborn and not crazy about my step-father but she needed a place to stay. My aunt was fun and the only thing better than having her around, was the magazines she brought with her.

See, in my house, my Mom believed sex led to Evil. We didn’t discuss it and the only hint I had seen that sex was a good thing was the dirty magazines I kept sneaking from my dad’s stash. So imagine my poor young self when I sat down in my bathroom one day and sitting across from me on the shelf that usually held ‘Reader’s Digest’ was a Cosmopolitan.

Oh My Goddess.

The first thing that struck me was the smell of the perfume sample. It was the most feminine thing I had ever encountered in that house. My mom used only deodorant but here between the pages of models was the smell of ‘Charlie’. Even now that perfume causes an instant erection.

I read Cosmopolitan from cover to cover. I actually didn’t like the thin anorexia models inside but I was enamored with the way the magazine treated sex. It talked about it. It discussed what women wanted, what men wanted and how they should both get it. It was mind blowing. When I read Playboy and Penthouse, in the back of my mind I always doubted that women really liked sex but here in Cosmopolitan I discovered that yes, yes there was a sex drive in women.

It blew my mind that I couldn’t read Playboy which discussed women in a vague way but I could easily read Cosmopolitan and find out exactly what was a G-spot.

Anyway, Cosmopolitan became my new sex-education teacher. I took the quizzes. Yes, a 15 year old boy took the quizzes on what kind of a lover he wants, hush. Although I was still a virgin and had a haircut that would ensure virginity, I felt like sex could happen at any moment and I needed to be prepared. When my hot next door neighbor decided to finally fuck me while her husband was away, I wanted to be in top form.

So one of the things I read that was supposed to help make your erection last longer was a kind of clenching. It took me awhile to get it right and I don’t know if it made me last longer but sure as hell turned me on. The instructions also said it would help women but I could care less about that. Clenching myself was very arousing and it felt like no hands masturbating. Well, masturbating that would never get you off, but it was very hot. I felt like I could masturbate in class and no one would know this way.

I remember doing like 100 clenches a day. And then I had to stop because I got very very sore one day. Hmmm, ’till I got sore’ is how most of my teenage stories end. I gave up the clenches but I would still do them as a form of pre arousal before I started masturbating. Clenches went from exercise to foreplay.

I don’t know when I started doing clenches in my BDSM play. I do recall reading a story about a vibrator inside a woman that would go off at random times. I remember reading it and thinking that you don’t need a vibrator. You just need to be told what conditions to clench under. A submissive or heck, a vanilla woman who wants to be teased can be told when and she can do it herself all day long.

For example, because I am all about the examples.

Clench every time someone says ‘Hello’

Clench every time the dogs bark.

Clench twice every hour on the hour and clench once on the half hour.

Clench every time you hit ‘enter’ when you’re chatting with IM’s.

Clench every time someone mentions the weather.

As you can see, it becomes an easy way to tease someone even if they are living across country. Considering how many long distance relationships I have had, it helps to have something that can stick with someone all day long and keep them in a constant state of arousal and thinking of me.

May 242006
 

It is Masturbation Month. . .

I worry sometimes that recording me masturbating is more fun for me than it is for the listeners. See, when I masturbate, I need a story. I need to have some sort of scene in my head along with a rationale for why we are having sex. Sometimes the plot is as simple as hot Chicago’s waitress drags me into the supply closet and other days the plot is something complicated and involes a Blogger convention and a great game of Dirty Scrabble. I just can’t lie in bed and start stroking because my brain starts drifting and thinking about why the electric bill was so low this month.

Except when I record these. With phone in ear and realizing that people across the world are listening in and touching themselves as well, well I don’t need a story. I’m in the freaking story. I’m stroking myself and my moans of climax is driving some poor lady somewhere crazy and she is reaching down between her thighs right as I feel my seed spurting forth.

So again, maybe these kinds of post are more for me than you. But if they are for you, I just want to leave a card or flowers by your phone stand because your listening was fantastic.

this is an audio post - click to play
May 232006
 

1. Check Work Schedule to see what is expected to be done today.
1a. Scream at Heavens and Boss for cramming two days of work into 8 hours.

2. Find time to write story for Secret Geek Sunday

3. Find time to come up with an adventure for Role-playing Game on Saturday

4. Find time to gaze longingly at ‘Three Musketeers’ DVD with Oliver Reed that I don’t have time to watch today.

5. Figure out what’s for dinner tonight.

6. Scrub shower wall because I saw a tiny black dot of mildew this morning. Ick

7. Brainstorm for another Masturbation Month story.

8. Masturbate.

9. Get Part 6 of Cell Phone Slave ready to post.

10. Figure out what the Hell I am doing for HNT.

11. Pet Cats

12. Stomach crunches.
12a. Check weight
12b. Scream at Heavens that i didn’t lose any weight after twenty minutes of work

13. Meditate.

14. More stomach crunches.

15. Come up with a better post for Tuesday than a to-do list.

May 222006
 

Way back when I was a young adolescent, one of my favorite comics was the Legion of Superheroes. Set in the 30th century, the Legion was a team of teenage superheroes from all over the universe. They dated each other, got married and fought bad guys. It was like superhero Soap Opera but in the FUTURE!

So I was going back through some back issues of this series rereading the stories of my youth when I came across this bad guy.

Ah, yes, Grimbor the Chainsman. He’s a super-genius that hates the Legion. His gimmick? He has a thousand different traps and umm, chains. He was my favorite super-villain from this comic because he was like an evil Batman. He was prepared for anything and always had a new trap, cage, chain or shackle for any hero.

Here I am at 33 looking at a comic I read when I was 13. My early interest in bondage is starting to make sense. This becomes especially true as I see this,

This,

Which results in this,

And my favorite, double chains for the gal who can duplicate herself,

And oh, did I mention that he chained the WHOLE FREAKING PLANET?

Man, they just don’t make BDSM super-villains like they used to. Thank you Legion #277 through #279. And a big thank you to Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway for giving young me an intro in Bondage.

I think in a very significant way, this villain made me think of bondage as something that can be imaginative and colorful as oppossed to the black leather and spikes I keep running into. Although I doubt I will ever find a gag attached to the end of an arrow, part of me thinks that it is a shame we don’t have one yet. It’s 2006 people, let’s update our bondage technology and get me a duplicating rocket powered chain bola already.

May 192006
 

Over the years I have seen writers come and go. Often it feels like I have seen more writers go then arrive. Usenet is a vicious place to write stories for. Readers are forgetful creatures in constant search of new thrills. Once they realize you are a real person who is not their ideal, a lot of them move on to the writer who does claim to be a sexy college student without a care in the world. A lot of writers get a huge boost of responses because they are the new kid on the block but once another new kid comes by, that avalanche of mail dries to a trickle. It makes them feel like you have peaked and the writers quit.

I don’t know if Terri Madison went through that, but I do know that when I saw her name in my mail box today I got excited. I couldn’t remember much about Terri, but just seeing her name made me smile and I remember her being one of my favorites. Funny how you can remember your affection for someone’s writing even if you don’t remember the stories they wrote.

Well Terri is dipping her toe into writing and she has a blog up. Time will tell if she can get back into writing stories but I hope that if she doesn’t, she at least sticks around and goes the conversation. Writing is a beautiful thing and its heart breaking when you stop. I feel like I am alive again and I want other writers I admire to experience the revival too. It’s great to see you again in any format you choose to give your readers, Terri.

Now if we can just get Jimmy-Hat, Maria Gonzales, Vicki Morgan, and many many others to get into Blogland. I wonder what new adventures they would cook up now.

May 182006
 

There is something about Thursdays that make me want to share myself. Of course, it helps that my sleep schedule this week has been hectic and I just don’t have the clarity of mind to write the story I am thinking about. Either way, you get a big old dose of Shon today. To keep Half-Nekkid where people can find it easily, I’m going to ask you to click Whole Post to see the rest of my thoughts today.

I have a social anxiety disorder. Odds are I have always had it but in the last three years it has really escalated. Apparently this is normal among social anxiety sufferers as something happens in a person’s thirties that cause them to loose a lot of self confidence. My theory is that the fictions of teenage invulnerability finally wear off and the reality of day to day life takes over. For a while I suspected it was 9/11 but after examining my life and doing more research on the disorder, I see that I have had it all my life.

The definition of my disorder is that I develop irrational anxiety in situations where I feel like I am being judged. I could be in a store and suddenly get terrified that people are looking at my hair, my weight, and my clothes and making judgments about myself. I get nervous, start to stutter and fidget. Then people really are looking at me because I am so nervous and it just reinforces my fears.

The frustrating thing is these emotional states come and go. I can go two weeks just fine and then one day have to pick up the phone and order dinner and I am terrified that I will screw it up, embarrass myself and somehow make the poor delivery person think less of me. It’s not a rational thing, and there aren’t any clear triggers of what will cause an episode. But when an episode strikes, it makes me feel like I am ten years old and helpless.

As my anxiety became more and more frequent, it spilled over into everything I did. I stopped writing because I felt nothing I wrote would be good enough to be free of criticism. Which is true, but to my irrational mind, it meant I was a bad writer with too many flaws to keep writing. My anxiety froze me from looking for a job because I could rationalize myself out of why anyone should hire me. Socializing was out of the question and something I never initiated.

When I try to explain this to my friends, they are always surprised. That is because people with this disorder tend to bond to a support person, and when they are around that support person, they have greatly expanded courage. For me, it’s my wife or whomever is my submissive at the time. I can still have an episode of anxiety but when I have one, I can usually work through it without becoming a nervous wreck.

One time the husband of a sub I was dating told me that I was the most out going fearless person he had ever met. This was before I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and I thought he was crazy. Now I see that he was right, but it was only when I was around his wife, someone I trusted and knew would be there to support me in anything.

Now I am much better but still deal with it too often for my tastes. I take some herbal medication that has gone a long way to keeping me from freaking out but the most important thing I have done is just be aware of what is happening to me. Now when I have an anxiety attack, I am aware of it and I can apply some cognitive techniques to calm down. Best of all, just knowing that it’s a disorder helps me not get depressed about what is happening. I no longer sit around wondering what kind of coward I am.

Obviously my writing has returned and I can thank the positive responses I have gotten from readers for that. Being able to write something every day has gone a long way to repairing my self-esteem. I still have my moments of dread but those are far between. When my output is this high, I feel like a bad story is quickly covered over by the next good thing I write.

I have a job where I can work from home. I’m not sure if that isn’t giving in to my anxiety a bit, but at the same time it’s a huge boost to be working again. I feel less like a freak and more like a normal person.

The only thing I really regret is that I do not know if I can ever have another submissive again. My insecurities strike and I go from Cool Ruthless Dom Guy and turn into Needy Wanted to be Loved guy. Sometimes I think that my needs would be attractive to a submissive because they would know I needed them not only on a sexual level but on an emotional support level too. Other times I realize that this is a lot to ask when a lot of submissives look to their Dom to be their rock and their support and here I am in danger of an anxiety attack at any moment.

It doesn’t help that my last submissive broke up with me before I realized I had social anxiety. I don’t blame her for leaving me because all the things she said were true. I wasn’t in control of myself, much less her. I didn’t always follow through with things because I doubted my reasoning and worried that something I did would make her upset with me. In very polite ways, she told me I was a crappy dom, or at least that’s what I heard.

Now I think I would do much better but I can’t deny that I am definitely a Dom with issues. Considering that I am already married, I would be fulfilling a recreational role for someone, and having issues does not up my value. I don’t consider myself completely hopeless, but I have yet to encounter BDSM stories about a submissive who dreams of being dominated by a guy who sometimes needs to be reassured and calmed down when he is sitting in a restaurant.

There is also a lot willpower involved in domination and I doubt myself there. I can develop the same anxiety about a long relationship that I can about total strangers. A sigh or an annoyed frown can sometimes trigger me into ‘Oh my God, I’m sorry, please love me!’ mode as my wife calls them. Again I am better at identifying it now but man, when they happen, I can’t help but worry that I would lose the respect of my submissive.

Time will tell if I can have a successful domination relationship again. I just find it funny that I could be upset about so many things with my disorder but it’s the fear of never having a woman on her knees before me, completely bent to my will again that worries me the most. I think that fear drives my writing right now. The thought of never having a woman to use as my creative canvas again really makes me think of the thousand and one things I would miss. I want to write it all down. I want to spell out scenes I may never have again in the hope that a reader out there will take that scene and live it for me. I feel like if I can’t do, I can at least be the improper teacher.

May 182006
 

Sugasm #34

Tue 16th May, 06

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #35? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist by the end of next Monday night and you’re all set.

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Lost and Found (aliferestarted.blogspot.com)

Out of Town (vivianandjack.blogspot.com)

Tara’s Private Diary: Starting the Morning Off Right (taratainton.com)

Sex Toys: Satanic and Divine (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com)

Arousal (pleasinglydebauched.blogspot.com)

Anal Fun (edinerotica.blogspot.com)

Age Before Beauty (fourstate.blogspot.com)

Ten Thousandth Blowjob (erotiterrorist.blogspot.com)

The Slutty Hostess (internetisforporn.com)

Quickie (Because I Know You’re Watching) (sabrinainstockings.com)

Audio

The Return of Bedroom Radio: Episode 10 (bedroomradio.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Sex Questions & How to Get My Attention (alphadominablog.com)

“I Think I Love You, But What Am I So Afraid Of…” (avahsascent.blogspot.com)

Porsche Thigh High Boots (photo) (thebootcam.com)

Financial Domination (goddessjaguar.com)

Oo… la… la. Spank Me Monsieur (moonstruck.typepad.com)

Tiny Dick Contest Pictures (spoiledebonyprincess.com)

NSFW Pics

Solo Girl/Nudes/Softcore

Fine Art Nudes by Kevin Rolly (eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Black Boots – Red Panties Upskirt (upskirtr.blogspot.com)

Exclusive – Justine Joli with Laurie Wallace (tgp.com)

More Sugasm…

Join the Sugasm

Personal Porn

Half-Nekkid Flower Petals Where? (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)

Happy HNT! (pillowblogs.blogspot.com)

Uninhibited Wanton Woman (totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex

I Am I Said! (masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Ayla the Prehistoric Porn Star (msnaughty.com/blog)

Nude Vaginas! Run for Your Lives! (onaniajournal.blogspot.com)

Death Threat (radicalvixen.com)

Masturbating While… (wanklog.blogspot.com)

Sex Advice and Sexy Reviews

The Dark Side of Masturbation (and Sex) (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Bondage for Beginners: What You Need (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

The Art of Erotic (Blog) Photography (darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Tantra Chair Review (stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Redhaired anime chick c/o Onania – The Journal of Chronic Masturbation.

 BDSM  Comments Off on Sugasm #34
May 162006
 

After a long nasty day at work I decided to check my blog’s stats. Seeing that Ten Thousandth Blowjob just picked up more web hits in one hour than I’ve gotten in a day blew my mind. My first thought after I put myself back together was ‘Dude, people really like blowjobs’.

Then my eyes scanned over to the Came From section and I saw FleshBot

Then my mind shut down again and I’m still trying to process it.

Thanks Chelsea Girl for the link.

Thank you Fleshbot readers and stick around a little. We got more bliss on the schedule for you.

AlwaysArousedGirl was right. Now I just feel more motivated.

May 162006
 

Well I just spent an hour on a story that’s really bad. What I thought was a really cool idea while I was soaping up in the shower is less a cool idea when you put it on the screen and give it an objective look. Looks like my sudsy erect cock wasn’t such a good judge of story material after all.

Realizing a story is not worth finishing is a lot like bad sex. You get all worked up and ready to go but then things aren’t fitting, the bed’s scratchy and your mind starts to wonder. Before long you find yourself thinking about the season finale of C.S.I. Las Vegas and then you have to remind yourself, oh yeah, wasn’t I doing some sort of fucking?

Once I put a story down and consign it to the Great Recycle Bin of Doom, I like to go back through my e-mail and see what people thought of my other stories. I then trawl through my blog looking to see if there any new comments in month old posts. I’m a comment-slut and I treasure every comment like I would a lap dance from a flirting friend. The ratio of lurkers to actual commenters is astronomical so when someone does break down and comment, I know I must have really poked them in a good place.

Speaking of comments, let’s talk about Cell Phone Slave for a moment. One thing that keeps coming up in e-mails is the idea that people love the story but if Wesley requires Amaya to do _______, then they are out. Not that they would be unhappy, but that they would quit the story out right. That baffles me on so many levels.

I mean, I understand quitting a story that has no interest for you, but even when I read a book that starts great and turns bad, I end up finishing it. I finish it because I want to see if the ending made up for the middle. I want to know how it ends for my peace of mind. The semi blackmail e-mails I get make it very clear that if ____ happens, then they can release all emotional interest in the story. I get the feeling they tell me this as a pre-emptive threat though I think they see it as a courtesy. In the relationship of a writer and reader, they want to let me know that they are going to stop calling if I ever join a militia group. Some days I bristle at these e-mails and other days I am touched that they want to stick with me so they tell me what the deal breakers are.

What also interests me is that people are willing to tell me when they are willing to stop reading, but are they interested in what would make Amaya quit? If Amaya runs into _____ do they just assume as an erotica character that Amaya will do whatever is in front of her? And if she did do ____, aren’t the readers the least bit curious why she would do it?

Another thing about comments. I find that my comments on other people’s blogs are getting a little lengthy. It’s a leftover habit from Usenet and Message Boards where people were free to post novellas as long as it didn’t hijack the original intent of the thread. So far I have discussed hypothyroidism, why my wife and I are poly and why smart people watch bad porn. I’m not sure if it is rude to tell my experiences with the blogger’s comment section but I am going to watch myself. When everyone else limits themselves to four sentences, I feel like a hog taking up six paragraphs. What I am doing is keeping a notebook by my computer where I can jot down subjects I should most likely be discussing in my own blog anyway.

One last thing. If you are not reading BlogStormz, you really should be. In the last week I have already picked up so many new favorite blogs that my little sidebar is hopelessly outdated. Click that electric red box to the side and get rained on by great writers.