Jan 052009

The Hound sisters first came to national attention in 1848. Elizabeth Hound was 16 while her younger sister, Laura Hound had just turned 14. The girls claimed that they were in contact with a spirit who lived in their old house. When the girls sat down at a table with a piece of chalk in the center of the table, and all of the lights were turned off, strange writings in chalk would appear on the table. The writings were in French and contained several antiquated phrases. The spirit claimed to be a French prostitute who’s working name was Madame Highbutt. She also claimed to have been brought to Philadelphia by Benjamin Franklin when he returned from France in 1785. Almost always the writings discussed the secret romantic lives of people who currently lived in the city.

Local newspaper men, politicians and doctors flocked to their home in Philadelphia to witness these strange acts. They paid extensively to prevent many of the writings from becoming public. The scandals that did emerge were mostly about poor people who couldn’t afford to bribe the Hound family. These stories the local papers published extensively and helped their national circulation.

The vulgar nature of the writings prevented many of these stories from being recorded verbatim. Madame Highbutt had a fondness for stories about buggery and anything having to do with horses. According to the spirit writings, at least one out of ten women in Philadelphia had some sort of sexual equine experience. This caused many spiritualism experts to suspect that Madame Highbutt may have been a bit bored in the after life and fabricated many of her ribald accounts.

The Hound Sisters were tested often by investigators. Their hands were bound and yet the writings would still appear. Their French tutor was interrogated and found to actually be Italian. The chalk was replaced with pencils and pens but no writing would appear unless the chalk was placed back. The Hound sisters were frequently admonished by religious men and moral women for the impropriety of their spirit writings but the girls never confessed.

The spirit writings continued for two years until the night before Elizabeth Hound’s wedding. On that night, the Hound sisters asked for advice from their spirit friend about Elizabeth’s wedding night. When they turned the lights back on, they were alarmed by Madame Highbutt’s writings.

“Silly girls,” the writing was later translated to say, “I don’t have time for your shit tonight. I must tell you about the four Sirens of the Apocafuck. I can see them coming and when they arrive, the joys and fears of your wedding night will be as small as an English man’s cock on a winter night.

The first Siren will be the Actress. Although she belongs to a profession more shameful than mine, she will be celebrated and applauded by millions. Any role, no matter how chaste, will become sexually charged.

The next Siren will be the Singer. Her songs will fill the world with her power of her voice. The sound of her voice will make men hard and women damp between the thighs. Sinners will sing her songs as they commit new depravities.

The next Siren will be the Writer. The stories she tells will corrupt the willing and seduce the reluctant. Her stories will be read in secret and shared between lovers. The virtuous will justify their new sins by the power of her stories.

The last Siren will be the Artist. She will put on canvas what only exists in the filthiest of minds. Her art will be seen by everyone no matter how hard they look away. She will give shape, color and form to Lust itself.

Prepare my young friends. Tell everyone. The Four Sirens of the Apocafuck are coming to enflame your world into perpetual lust.”

The Hound Sisters were disappointed by such a grim warning. Elizabeth went on to marry her fiancee and judging by their seven children, it would appear that she had learned a thing or two from Madame Highbutt’s previous writings.

Laura Hound however was never the same. She never married and wrote many pamphlets encouraging celibacy and temperance. Laura sought out and tried to destroy the original copies of the spirit writings. Of the 420 verified writings, only six remain. It is only through the hard work of the Collette-Ashbee collection that the world has these six.

Madame Highbutt never responded to the sisters’ requests for more writings. In 1931,the popular spirit medium Johnathan Parker attempted to contact Madame Highbutt. He wrote about his experiences in his book, “My Immaterial Lover.” Madame Highbutt never mentioned the Sirens though she did have many new stories about people having sex with horses.

Apocafuck Scholars have found many mentions of the Sirens of the Apocafuck but only the Hound Sisters were able to specifically name them. It is not certain if the Sirens will cause the Apocafuck or merely herald it’s arrival.

Dec 192008

Apocafuck (uh-pok-uh-fuk)- A universal disaster brought about by or resulting in an orgy of sensual fornication.

Apocafuck experts in the summer of 1967 were terrified by the events of the time. Over a hundred thousand people converged in San Francisco to try a new way of life. Rejecting the commercial patriarchal trappings inherent in American society, these drug taking, rock and roll listening peace freaks knew there had to be a better way to do things. As spontaneous gatherings occurred in other major cities around the world, Apocafuck Scholars collectively shitted bricks.

Professor William Hessle was one of these shitters. He had a background in European History and also happened to be in a rather sexless marriage. He was personally threatened by the wave of hippes as the sight of long haired men did strange things to his almost extinct libido. He realized that the Apocafuck might be happening right now and if that was the case, he didn’t want to miss on some man on man loving before the world ended.

To determine whether the Apocafuck was really happening or not, Professor Hessle decided to come up with a formula. He lacked an understanding in mathematics but he was fortunate to find another closeted homosexual professor who shared his interests. Combining Hessle’s historical knowledge of the Apocafuck with a statistical index, the two created a fairly useful formula much in use to this day. The Hessle Index is the recognized standard among Apocafuck Scholars although it is sometimes mistakenly called the Hussy Index.

The name of this professor is lost to history but we know from Professor Hessle’s notes that he was a devout Baptist, was fond of pipe smoking and had shoulders like a Greek God.

One of the impressive things about the Hessle Index is how encompassing it is for a formula written in 1967. For example, the Hessle Index shifts into a higher scale for when abortion is legal in the United Stats. Another example is the 80 point bump for when quote “Teenage singers are flashing their naughty bits on a weekly basis”. Apocafuck Scholars had a second round of the shits when item 782 (A big black tit decorated with cool jewelry is show on national television) came to past.

Of course not all the events in the Hessle Index have come to pass yet. As of yet, ‘Group marriage shall be legal if all participants are hot chicks’ has not happened. Neither has item 322, ‘A man can legally jack his cock on the bus if he has nothing better to do’. Some Apocafuck Scholars feel it is just a matter of time.

As for how the index works, it is quite convoluted. The math involved deals mostly in imaginary numbers and quantum functions. In fact, the number of people known to actually be able to accurately calculate the Hessle Index is currently seven. Fortunately the writers of this blog are in constant contact with one of these seven mathmeticians and will update the Hessle Index for the good of the public.

Right now, the Hessle Index is at 5623, which is enough to make some Apocafuck Scholars stock up on Pepto Bismol. If the Hessle Index ever reached 6969, then the Apocafuck will be happening right now. A difference of 1346 might seem like a safe distance, but in the convoluted math of the Hessle Index, we are one incident of ‘a totally awesome orgy on the White House lawn’ away from utter destruction and sex.

Stay tuned to this blog for the latest updates of the Apocafuck Hessle Index.

Dec 012008

Apocafuck (uh-pok-uh-fuk)- A universal disaster brought about by or resulting in an orgy of sensual fornication.

The Apocafuck was hinted at in certain Chinese scrolls and on some Egyptian pots, but one of the most famous predictors of the Apocafuck was of course Nostradamus. Nostradamus wrote about the Apocafuck in his book, Les Propheties, but due to the orgiastic nature of his prediction, the quatrain referring to the Apocafuck was censored from published editions. It wasn’t released until after his death in 1567. At this point publishers were eager to profit from any scrap of his writings. His prediction about the Apocafuck was finally printed in the omnibus edition of Les Propheties in 1568 but later copies frequently have this part censored.

The original Quatrain was written in French with Greek verbs and Latin punctuation. The most commonly agreed upon translation reads as follows:

“When men and women lay with each other and with themselves
The world trembles with the moans of pleasure
Every sin of the flesh will be committed and celebrated
The last climax of the Apocafuck will be the end of us all.”

Some Nostradamus scholars have argued that this quatrain was not meant to be a prophecy but was in fact his own version of a dirty limerick. They point to the lack of esoteric symbolism and clarity of his message as proof that this was not a serious prophecy. Some scholars have made the convincing argument that because you can understand what is happening easily, it can’t possibly be a true prophecy.

What is ambiguous is that it is difficult to tell if Nostradamus is predicting that a great orgy will be the cause of a disaster, or only a symptom of a great disaster. Few of his other quatrains about the end of the world refer to sex although there is one that is either about byzantine political plots of the 1600’s or predicting hentai.

“Coils of snakes wrap around mothers of purity
The West falls and rises on tentacles of lies
hundreds of snakes lie in the church
assaulting our youth as they cry for more”

This has not stopped moralists from trying to use Nostradamus’ Apocafuck quatrain for their own purposes. In 1721, Puritan philosopher William Couge warned that Nostradamus was describing the end of the world if divorce was legalized. In 1853, John Puskin argued that the Apocafuck would happen if women were allowed to have orgasms. In 1964, Edgar Hoover wrote in a memo to the President that the Apocafuck would happen if African Americans had sex with white people. As recently as 2007, Reverend Billy Jobson declared that the television show, ‘Desperate Housewives’ proved that the Apocafuck would happen within as few as five years.

It is the opinion of the writer of this blog that Nostradamus saw the future and was not in fact warning us of it, as much as he was letting us know it was destined to happen. Be telling us about it, he was hyping up our anticipation of such a world changing event. In our opinion, Nostradamus was engaging in some Apocafuck foreplay.