Nov 302020
Don’t have a stock image of martial arts nuns? Just use closeups of a vaguely Asian face.

Kung-Fu Nuns by China Blue, is an erotic comedy set in Vietnam. The titular nuns don’t get mentioned until the halfway point, and only make an appearance at three-fourths of the way through the book. It is a sad case of a misleading title.

Fortunately, the book is pretty good. It centers around the incompetent Kee family, the worse gangster family in all of Vietnam. The Kee are terrible crooks who spend most of their time threatening to drown each other in pig shit. The patriarch of this family is Djung Pau, an 82 year old asshole that is not dying fast enough for ambitious members of Kee family.

To speed things along, some family members purchase a half-Caucasian virgin, Eugenia, from her gambler father and give the woman to Djung Pau in the hopes that he will die having sex with her. Instead of dying, the patriarch finds himself revived and enjoying life again. He starts doing crazy things like fucking his new woman in the dining room and asking to see the accounting books.

The family reacts with other assassination plots. The patriarch wants to impregnate his new woman but worries his seed is too old. To fix this, he turns to one of the few trustworthy Kee, Uncle Ma, to seek out a legendary order of sex monks who can cure any sex problem. Wackiness ensues.

This is an odd book. Most porn would center Eugenia as the main character, and this book does that for the beginning and the end, but the bulk of the book is about Uncle Ma. We see Uncle Ma enjoy various sexual bribes and sex tourism as he seeks out the sex monks. There are a few side plots involving other members of the Kee family. The sex monks themselves are interesting, but we barely get their point of view at all.

This book is from Masquerade, one of the more interesting erotic publishers. 95% of their books are standard formulaic porn novels and then they put out a weird book like this that feels like someone’s passion project. This book is funny, and a lot of care was taken to give every single sexual term a new name like Joy Stick for dicks and Golden Orbs for balls. I enjoyed my time with the Kee family and their stupidity and greed will stick with me for years.

Now I need to find a book about Kung-fu Nuns.

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