“Asshole!” Venda squawked.
I spun to my right and squeezed the rigger. My laser rifle corrected my aim and fired three pulses of light. The first pulse punched through the slaver’s armor. The second laser seared through some organs. The third pulse set his insides on fire.
The slaver screamed. I slipped another snack to my cyborg parrot.
“That is a kick-ass cyborg parrot, Captain” Levo Two-Cock said.
Levo was right. Venda did kick ass. I usually didn’t take her into battle because when you are a space pirate, most of your fighting is on spaceships that could suddenly decompress into vacuum. I didn’t know all of the upgrades that Venda had but I am pretty sure surviving space wasn’t one of them.
Today was different. We were on an unclaimed moon attacking a slaver’s colony that shouldn’t be here mining something valuable with slaves they shouldn’t have. I brought Venda because slavers are always fucking depressing even if you are killing them.
“Fucker!” Venda squawked and I turned to my left. Three pulses of red light penetrated, seared and incinerated another slaver.
Skinny Ann laughed. “I wonder who programmed Venda’s targeting. Asshole for right and fucker for left; who does that?”
I shrugged. Venda didn’t come with an owner’s manual or a user history index. I stole her from Captain Assfucker and I also took his nose at the time so I can’t exactly call him up and ask questions.
“Armory is secured. Where to now, Captain?” Levo asked.
I checked my communicator. The entire crew was tied into a private social network. Morella, my First Mate, was in orbit aboard the Savage Thrust and had disabled the slaver’s ship. Brownpants had taken over the mine entrance. Jen-4 had hacked the slaver’s own communications and The Pirate-With-No-Name was still trying to liberate the slave pens.
Wait, there was a notification of a private message. Was someone in trouble? I tapped it.
A small hologram appeared. It was two large green tits barely held in by black leather. A slaver’s personal key was wedged into the green cleavage.
A note read: “should I hold onto this or do you want to come get it?”
I checked the sender. It was Glara. She was so new that she didn’t have a nickname yet. I think we picked her up on New Fortune.
The green tits looked really nice. Was she flirting with me? Was she already bored with being a pirate and was looking for a job on my cock?
“Captain?” Skinny Ann asked.
“We’re heading to the slave pens,” I said, closing my communicator. “The Pirate-With-No-Name needs some back up.”
“You heard him!” Levo shouted to the rest of our band. “To the slave pens!”
Outside the armory was fucking chaos. Mining machines rumbled and shuddered as lasers zipped around us. Slaves screamed from the torture poles as my pirates tried to cut them down. Slavers screamed for mercy they would never get.
I don’t know if it was space pirate code to give no mercy to slavers but it sure as fuck was a Captain Blastpants rule.
“Asshole!” Venda squawked. I fired at a slaver to my right. The beam hit him in the crotch and fried him.
DING! I had another private message notice. I growled and checked the sender. It was Glara again.
Needles rained down on us. Slavers love needle weapons. They look nasty and you can load them up with poison. Almost none of the poisons were lethal; they just inflicted a lot of pain.
Levo and I ducked behind cover. The pirate behind me was stabbed by a hundred needles. He screamed in agony and writhed on the ground.
That is what I meant by depressing. The pirate would live but fuck, he was going to need some therapy.
Needles pinged against the mining machine we were hidden behind. Levo and I waited for the needle launcher to pause to reload.
In the meantime, I checked the message from Glara. The leather vest was open and one of her green tits was out. She was pinching her nipple. The nipple and aureole was yellow.
I may have groaned. Cheeky slut.
The pinging stopped. Levo was up in a flash and firing. I was still staring at that hard nipple.
“Got him!” Levo shouted.
“Someone help him!” I yelled at the screaming pirate. Two of my crew was already moving towards him.
We broke cover and went for the slave pens. I got another bell chime and another private message was waiting for me. I shook my head and kept fighting.
Slavers might be sadistic bastards but these guys weren’t cowards. They fought. They stayed organized and kept their heads. I guess you have to have some sort of discipline to keep control of slaves that always outnumber you. The slavers made us work for every meter we took from them.
They still died though.
We cleared a path to the slave pens. At least a dozen slavers died. They killed three of my group. I also received two more private messages.
I was starting to get pissed about the messages. Pirates fuck hard because we work hard. While Glara was fucking with me, she wasn’t killing slavers.
The door to the slave pens were barricaded. The Pirate-With-No-Name was inside with their group fighting slavers. The doors must have locked after they went in. Without a way out, our friends were trapped.
“Get that door open, now!” I yelled.
Some of my pirates stared at the door stupidly. Skinny Ann ran to get a drilling laser. Smart lady. That was leadership thinking.
I checked my messages.
The first message was an image of a dead slaver with his head resting on green tits. The message read, “Wish you were here.”
The second message was another image. It showed three slavers rapidly disintegrating. They must have been hit with a corrosive grenade. The message read “I bet your cock has a bigger blast radius.”
The third message was mostly thick black pubic hair. A slaver’s command card was sliding between her sex lips. There was no text but I was impressed. A command card meant she had killed one of the leaders if not the leader.
“Captain, we nearly have the door open!” Levo said.
I made a command decision. “Good. Skinny Ann, you’re in charge. Go assist the Pirate-With-No-Name and get these slaves freed. I need to investigate something.”
They were a good crew so they obeyed. I checked my communicator to find Glara. She was at a building that our scouts hadn’t identified. Judging from the command card she was currently masturbating with, I was guessing it was probably the command center.
Fuck. That was almost as impressive as her big green tits.
I made a straight line for her. The outside fighting had died down as the slavers were now holed up in fortified positions. There were still plenty of visual stimuli. Slave heads decorated traffic signs. Open pits contained the corpses of disobedient slaves. Blood was everywhere and most of it was dry before we ever landed.
I knew we were doing a good thing freeing these slaves and incidentally, securing a shit load of valuable ore for sale elsewhere, but the fact that slavers exist in this universe was fucking depressing. We have robots, clones and enough aliens who actually enjoy back-breaking labor but there will always be assholes who prefer to enslave someone else to do their work.
Maybe that was why I was looking for Glara. I was upset. I was disturbed. I needed a distraction and this crazy green pirate with the big tits was hitting on me.
Venda warned me of two more slavers before I reached the command post. The building was a bloody mess with casualties in the double digits. I tried to remember who I sent to clear this place but I wasn’t sure I had sent anyone. We didn’t know what was in here so it wasn’t a priority. Could Glara had done it by herself?
“You came,” Glara said when I finally found her. She was in the control room, surrounded by bodies and blinking monitors. Her vest was missing and her pants were neatly folded beside her. She sat on a desk with her legs open and her fingers playing with her sex. The command card was in her hand, soaking wet.
I was impressed. She had courage. If she was any other of my crew, I would have made her an officer right there.
“I came,” I said, setting down my laser rifle. “Your messages were very tempting.”
“Big tits!” Venda squawked. And they were.
Glara smiled. “I tried my best,” she said. “I have had my eye on you ever since I joined the crew.”
“Hmm,” I said, stepping closer. Venda sunk her talons deeper in my shoulder in case I moved quickly.
My hand lunged forward and grabbed her breast. Glara cried out as my fingers tightened around her nipple. A twist and a pull and she stepped closer to me.
“You know that I am the Captain, right?” I whispered. “And during times of battle, you don’t disobey a Captain’s order and you sure as fuck don’t distract him with dirty pictures.
Glara winced but she managed to smile. “Are you saying I was distracting?”
“Harlot!” Venda squawked and she was right. My pinch relaxed around Glara’s nipples.
“Lords of Space, woman,” I said. “I’m serious here. There is-Ukk!”
Glara grabbed my hand and her fingers did something painful to the inside of my wrist. I let go of her and she spun me around, still holding onto my hand. Venda left my shoulder and with a complaining squawk. Glara forced my arm behind my back and my shoulder was ready to pop.
“I’m serious too,” Glara whispered in my ear. Her breast pressed against the back of my trapped hand. I felt the hardness of her nipple.
“I am very serious about fucking you,” she said. Her free hand went to the front of my pants. Green fingers danced against the bulge in my pants.
“This is insubordination,” I said in my most threatening voice. My traitorous intelligent pants however happily unzipped and my erection popped into Glara’s hand.
“Is it?” Glara whispered in my ear. Her strong fingers wrapped around my hard cock. My knees trembled a little.
She started to stroke me. Her fingers felt silky against my cock. She licked the outside of my ear.
I groaned. I pulsed in her firm grip. My knees went a little weak.
“Harlot!” Venda squawked again. No shit, bird!
Glara giggled. It was my cue to move. I slammed my free elbow into her stomach. She gasped and I twisted behind her. I grabbed the wrist that was holding mine and reversed the move. Now I was standing behind her with her arm pinned behind her.
“Oh, Captain!” she said. There was amusement in her voice.
“You seem to forget it,” I said. I put my free hand to work reaching around and cupping a lovely green breast.
Glara moaned. She pressed her bare ass against my hard cock. The smell of her hair filled my nose and it smelled sweet.
My hand squeezed her breast. Soft heat filled my hand. She was plump and pliable and I enjoyed pulling on the plentiful flesh.
“Great galaxies,” Glara moaned. “Don’t be too hard on me, Captain. I saw something I liked and I took it. Isn’t that the pirate way?”
I didn’t answer. My fingers kept pulling and squeezing. Her nipples were hard pebbles in my grip. A squeeze made her shiver. A pinch made her ass wiggle against my cock. A pull made her moan.
“You need to learn discipline,” I said.
A heel slammed into my leg. There was a flash of green flesh and black hair. The room spun. All of the air left my body. I’m not sure how but I was on my back and the green woman was on top of me. Yellow eyes bore down on me.
“Maybe later,” Glara said. “Right now I just want to fuck.”
She reached down between us and grabbed my cock. I did nothing as she slid back onto me. We moaned together as my body invaded hers.
“Harlot!” Venda squawked. She hopped closer to us. My bird stood by my head and looked at me quizzically with cyborg eyes.
“Good harlot,” I said. I agreed with Venda.
Glara grinded on top of me. Her pelvis moved in strange and mysterious ways. I shivered beneath her. My cock was trapped within the clenching vortex of her alien pussy and that was fine with me.
I reached for her ass. She moaned as I clutched her muscular buttocks. Her hard nipples rubbed against my chest as we fucked. Waves of space black hair covered our faces as we moaned together.
This was nice. I was getting my brains fucked out by an alien woman surrounded by dead slavers. Does it get better than this?
Of course it does.
I waited for the deepest moment of penetration before making my move. I grabbed fistfuls of her hair and lunged with my hips. Glara cried out as she rolled over with me inside her. My arm went across her throat and secured her in place. My hips went back to fucking her.
“You’re good,” I said to her. “You got the second best looking tits I have ever seen. Well, I guess they are the third best looking tits as there are only two of them. You have proven you are dangerous by taking out these assholes and you have proven you are brave by hitting on me and then hitting me when I get here. Plus you got that beautiful alien skin tone that I am a sucker for. You just have one more thing to learn.”
“What’s that?” Glara asked between grunts.
“I am the damn Captain,” I said. “And we do things my way.”
Glara moaned and wrapped her powerful green legs around me. I waited for them to clench tighter and choke be but they didn’t. She bit her lip and shook as an orgasm went through her.
Okay then. I guess she finally accepted that I was in charge. That was important. I liked her but pirates needed a hierarchy. I needed a hierarchy. It was useful when you fall for someone.
I fucked her on the command center floor. Computer monitors bathed us in flickering light. Scrambled speakers serenaded us with static.
Glara was pinned but she had more pleasures to share. Her pussy clenched tighter than a fist. Giant green breasts jiggled and wobbled for my pleasure. Dark lips promised to do many filthy things to me. Yellow eyes stared at me like I was good enough to eat.
“Harlot!” Venda squawked. The bird landed on Glara’s arm and lunged for a bouncing nipple. The sharp beak clenched around the tempting nub of flesh.
“Fuck!” Glara cried but this dangerous woman didn’t make a muscle to move Venda. She just laid there and took it. The evil cyborg bird just held on to that yellow nipple with cruel persistence. I knew how sharp Venda’s beak was. Glara’s self-control had to be amazing.
That was when I knew that I was in love with Glara.
I pulled out of her. Venda released the nipple and flapped away. I stood and Glara sat up to take my cock in her mouth. She sucked and I came.
Glara’s eyes widened. She coughed and my cock fell out of her mouth. I kept coming and splattered her green face and chest with my seed.
“Wow,” I said as I fell back into a chair. “I needed that.”
Glara looked at the mess I had made. “So that’s why they call you Blastpants.”
“Yeah, pirates aren’t too imaginative,” I said. “We don’t make much shit up.”
Glara nodded and stood up. She was damn sexy in motion. There was an efficiency to her movement that was precise.
When she flicked the dart at me, it was faster than my eye could follow.
I felt it though. It hit my thigh and was dangerously close to my balls. A numbness spread through my body almost instantly.
“Wha?” I said stupidly. I was in a weird mix of afterglow and poisoned paralysis.
“I could have killed you earlier,” Glara said. “I had plenty of chances but I was curious. Your cock has quite the reputation.”
I watched her bend over to pick up a slaver’s needle pistol. She pressed the button to coat the needles in lethal poison. It didn’t make them any less painful.
“Why?” I managed to spit out. My lips were tingling.
Glara walked over to me. I couldn’t help admire the swinging of her green breasts. They were almost worth dying for.
“Why?” Glara said. “Simple, Captain Assfucker wants his bird back. He is going to pay a lot of money for it too. There was a bonus for killing you painfully but I feel like I already got a bonus from that nice fuck you gave me.”
“Assassin,” I whispered.
Glara smiled and a red dot appeared on her head. There was a pop and the red dot turned into a black hole that went through her head. Smoke came out of her ears. Those lovely yellow eyes closed and she fell to the ground.
“Harlot!” Venda squawked beside me. One of her cyborg eyes glowed from the laser it had shot.
Harlot! Oh hell! Venda knew! Just like asshole meant enemy to the right, harlot must have meant assassin! Lords of Space, my fucking parrot saved me! If I could move I would have given her the entire pack of bird treats.
Venda hopped to my wrist. It pecked the skull glyph. A medical emergency was transmitted to my crew.
“Good bird,” I whispered.