Jul 142014

Hello, I am Vix Plaser for GNC, with an update to last week’s holostation hijacking.

Military sources can now confirm that the Savage Thrust, commanded by notorious space pirate, Captain Blastpants, was responsible for taking over the entertainment holostation, Prayer-Wheel-5, in the Chastity System. His motive for replacing the normal religious channels with hardcore Foglian Pornography was the apparent disruption of patrol ships and merchant vessels. Captain Blastpants is alleged to have attacked a record breaking forty-two merchants ships during the twenty hour broadcast of porn.

For more on this story, we turn to our senior pirate correspondent, Cassie Neemix, who is reporting live from the Chastity System Temple of Defense. Cassie, what have your sources told you?

“Thank you Vic. Sources here have told me that the onslaught of vivid porn and graphic depictions of sexual genitals crippled the infrastructure of the Chastity Defense Navy. Military personnel were so disgusted by what they saw that they were unable to turn away and carry on their duties when merchant vessels sent distress calls. Those who did respond were slow and uninterested in performing their duties. Four hundred and sixty eight cases of exhaustion were reported as members of the military attempted masturbation for the first time.”

That is awful, Cassie. What about the civilian population? How did it affect them?

“That is a good question, Vic. Even though control of Prayer-Wheel-5 is back under the Temple of Prayer, rioting continues all across the Chastity System. Civilians are demanding equal orgasms, freedom to kiss and access to all sorts of phallic fruits and vegetables. The Temple of the High Priest insists everything is under control but planets all across the system are staging protests where the High Priest is being fucked in effigy.”

Cassie, is it true that the Temple of Defense is now enforcing a blockade around their own planet?”

“That is correct, Vic. After tasting pornography for the first time, the citizens of Chastity System are now demanding more of it. There is a thriving black market profiting off the smuggling of sexual materials into the system. Allegedly, the most successful smuggler is Captain Blastpant himself.”

Shocking news, Cassie. We will now take a commercial break but when we return, our financial experts will tell you which pornography companies you should invest in during this boom in demand. I’m Vic Plaser and you’re watching Galactic News Channel.

  5 Responses to “Galactic News Channel Update”

  1. Ah Capt. Blastpants…I bet the piracy run was just a distraction. I am sure he has stocks in all major galactic porn businesses.

    • I am now thinking of what stocks does a pirate invest in. Also, which pirates would attack another pirate for harming the interest of their stock. Drama!

      • The captain is in it just for the chance of a hostile takeover. All he needs is one chance to stride into the room, whip out his statement, and slam it down on the table across the lap of the attractive CEO. And when she tries to use her golden parachute, he knows how to pin her down and really get the deal done.

        That’s really what a pirate wants in stocks. The events.

  2. “Is investing in porn for you? A hands-on approach to forbidden markets.”

    “Lesbian or gay? Is there a market?”

    “What the government doesn’t want you to know about pornography. Tips for avoiding chastity audits in your town.”

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