The following entry has been submitted by Daisy Danger. This is the kind of thing we talk about.
I woke up on the ground, slightly hungover, as usual, but not worse for the wear.
Looking around, I realized I was in a part of the park I’d never been in before. I don’t remember how I got there, but that’s was getting to be less and less unusual too.
What was unusual, however, was the unicorn standing over me. His breath was terrible, probably worse than mine, which was no small feat.
“Jesus, dude,” I muttered, trying to decide if I was still drunk.
“Five bucks for a blowjob,” the unicorn said.
“What?” I sat up. A talking unicorn. I tried desperately to recall what and how much I’d had to drink last night, but my stomach churned from the unicorn’s breath.
“All right man, three bucks. Fuck, I’m sure,” the unicorn said, annoyed.
“Back the fuck off,” I said, my voice became shrill.
The unicorn took about ten steps back, that’s the first time I got a full look at him. His nose, muzzle, whatever horse part you call it, was stained brownish-yellow. His mane was long and matted, full of twigs and leaves. His horn was what was unbelievable though, it was wrapped in pages from nudie magazines and fastened with long strands of scotch tape. An edge was loose and a pair of fake tanned tits flapped like a little flag.
“What the fuck are you supposed to be?” I asked him.
“I am,” he said pausing for effect, “the Pornicorn.” He shook his mane as he said it. I think the desired effect was supposed to look like long wavy hair blowing in a sexy breeze, but some twigs fell out and he looked ridiculous.
I backed up and sat against a tree trunk and found a pack of crushed cigarettes. As I put one to my lips, the Pornicorn said “Hey man, can I bum one of those?”
“Fine. Whatever,” I said, flicking the lighter. I took a long drag and the Pornicorn licked his lips.
I heard a squeak and a rustling sound. A tiny monkey the size of my hand emerged from the Pornicorn’s mane. The monkey crawled on top of the Pornicorn’s head, then leapt off, landed in front of me and opened his tiny hand.
“Can he bum one too?” the Pornicorn asked.
“What the shit? Why the fuck not. Fucking unicorns and monkeys and…” I said, handing two cigarettes to the monkey. The monkey stuck both the cigarettes in his mouth, then snatched my lighter. He lit both and the Pornicorn lowered his head to the ground. The monkey stuck one of the cigarettes into the Pornicorn’s mouth and they both took a deep drag.
“What’s with the monkey?” I finally asked.
“What?” answered the Pornicorn, “Does it look like I have fucking hands? Do I look like a fucking Centaur to you? Fucking assholes, all superior with their arms.” He said this last part bitterly.
The monkey looked at me and seemed to plead “Don’t get him started,” with his little beady eyes, but it was too late.
“The monkey’s name is Stash, he’s like, you know, my helper,” the Pornicorn continued. “Like what the fuck am I supposed to do with four legs and a face? Fucking leap around the meadows shitting rainbows or what?”
Stash hot boxed his cigarette, then flicked the butt away into the bushes. Patiently, he held the other cigarette out so the Pornicorn could take a drag in between rants.
“All right, all right,” I answered, “Don’t get so fucking worked up about it.”
“Oooh, look at me, the pretty shiny little magical unicorn,” he said in a high voice while he pranced mockingly in a circle.
“Goddamn, you are one bitter asshole,” I said, and got up to leave.
“Wait, sorry, sorry,” he said, coming closer to me, “I’m sorry.”
“What the fuck do you want?” I asked.
He dipped his head down and Stash ran up his muzzle and disappeared back into his ratty mane.
“How about that blow job?” Pornicorn asked.
“I’m not blowing you,” I answered. If I didn’t know anything else that morning, I knew that much. I was not blowing a deranged Goddamned unicorn for any amount of money.
“No, I’ll blow you, for…um… four bucks,” he said.
“I thought you said three,” I said, “Wait, what the fuck? Are you some kind of horse gigolo?”
He looked slightly insulted, but I didn’t care. I walked away and left him standing in the park, alone with his scummy little monkey.
A hour later I came back, out of curiosity. Pornicorn was standing where I’d left him, his eyes closed. He opened one when he heard me approach, but closed it again.
As I got closer, I heard him make little chuffing sounds, and then a groan. That’s when I noticed Stash.
“What the fuck is that monkey doing?” I shrieked.
“Jerkin’ me off, man” he said. Stash was wrapped around Pornicorn’s cock, shimmying up and down as fast as he could.
“Oh yeah, that’s it,” the Pornicorn said to no one in particular, “That’s it, that’s the way.” He gave a shudder and suddenly my shoes were sticky. Stash leapt off his cock and rolled around in a patch of grass trying to get clean, but soon he had grass clipping stuck all over his tiny body.
“You wouldn’t happen to have another cigarette?” he asked.
“No, not for you” I said, “That was the most disgusting thing I ever saw.”
“You should see when he massages my prostate,” Pornicorn snickered.
All of last night’s mistakes burbled in my throat, and I retched behind some bushes.
“If Stash jerks me off early, then I can last longer during the day,” he explained.
“So you are a horse gigolo,” I said, wiping my mouth on my sleeve.
“I’m a fucking unicorn, not a fucking horse,” Pornicorn said. “Actually, I am a magical unicorn, but the gig got fucking boring, kids asking for a fucking pot of gold or some shit. What the fuck do I get out of it? Nothing. Does anyone say ‘Thank you’? No. All I get are virgins trying to lure me, and who wants that? I decided to go my own way.”
“So you grant wishes?” I asked, “Like that’s a real thing?”
“So I could ask for shit and you’d grant my wishes?”
“If I wanted to, yeah,” he eyed me warily.
“Like, what could I wish for?”
“Here’s the deal. I’m in business for myself. I’m the Pornicorn. I’ll grant you three dirty wishes. Anything you want. Ass-to-mouth? Fine. A room full of pussy? Fine, but there’s one condition,” he said.
“What’s that?” I asked, suddenly imagining naked bodies writhing and grinding on me.
“I get to watch,” he replied.
Play With This is a series of articles designed to give you things to play around with in your writing. Feel free to borrow, modify, or completely change for your own stories