“Listen closely! I will teach you a spell to protect you from demon temptresses! First recite after me, Futu, Cuntu Fun-mmm!
“Hush Burny. These nice readers don’t need a spell of protection. I will keep them safe from any horrors between my ever warm thighs and my ever magical tits.”
“Welcome readers to our latest story of death and little deaths. I have an especially chilling story for you tonight. It is a story about death, Halloween and panties. I call it, Action News Dead!”
“No! Not that story, Suckubeth! That is based on a TRUE story. It contains things mortals aren’t meant to know!”
“I know Burny. Forbidden knowledge is the sexiest knowledge of all.”
“Read on, mortals.”
This is Action News Six with important breaking news. I am Ariel Miller and we are receiving reports from Estelline that people dressed as zombies are attacking women in the streets. The attacks are occurring along Stratford road. The assailants appear to be stripping women and stealing their underwear.
For more on this, we turn to James who is live on the scene. Elizabeth Hoyle, what can you tell us?
Hello Ariel, so far police source tell me that seven women have been attacked. Five of these women were mothers accompanying their children on their trick or treat rounds while the other two women were college students who were dressed as sexy witches. All of the women were pinned to the ground and their pants were removed followed by their panties. In the case of the two college students, their short skirts were lifted and panties were only stolen from one girl since the other girl, a Lorraine Halliday, was not wearing any panties.
Elizabeth, how did the victims describe the attackers? Is it true they were dressed as zombies?
Yes, Ariel, that is how they described the attackers. One source said that they were quote “wearing ragged clothes with ragged skin like that TV show where they have zombies but nothing ever interesting happens until the last five minutes of each episode.”
She’s right, Elizabeth, that show does meander quite a bit. Does the police have any leads?
Not yet, Ariel. They are currently sending patrols up and down Stratford Street but no arrests have been made. The police would also like to stress that no children have been attacked. So far only women of consenting age have had their panties stolen.
Thank you Elizabeth. We are now going to go to James Stanley who is live on Avon Street with an update. What do you have for us, James?
Ariel, I have with me another victim who says she was attacked just five minutes ago. Her name is Kathryn Baker, and we are not showing her from the waist down as she is butt-naked. Kathryn, can you tell us what happened?
Yeah, I got molested by some fucking zombies! I was out giving treats to the kids dressed as a sexy superhero and these assholes attacked me! They held me down and stripped off my star spangled underwear!
Please, ma’am, remember this is live. Could you tell us about your attackers? Were they dressed as zombies?
Dressed as zombies? They were mother BLEEP zombies! I pulled off one of their hands and I punched another guy’s jaw right off! The hand crawled off but I still have the jaw right here. Take a look!
As you can see Ariel, it appears to be a human jaw. It is decayed and I believe the worm stuck between the teeth is alive. I used to work with the CSI unit before I switch to local news and I can state that this is a human jaw and not a replica.
James, can you ask Kathryn what happened after they took her panties?
Sure, Ariel. Kathryn, what happened after they wrestled your star spangled underwear off your body?
The son of a BEEP swung it over his head and the rest of the zombies cheered! He put it on his head and then him and his buddies went down the street towards Robin Drive. That is when I noticed that some of the zombies were wearing panties on their heads too.
As you heard Ariel, these zombies or people dressed as zombies are on some sort of panty raid.
Thank you James. Now we turn to local historian, Tamara Tortuga who is on the phone. Tamara, you said that you have some information for us?
Yes, Ariel, I know who the zombies are! They are members of the Prairie Dog Lodge, Chapter 278 to be exact. They used to go on an annual panty raid of the locals every Halloween until the practice was discontinued in 1921.
So Tamara, you think these attackers are reviving in that tradition?
No, Ariel, you don’t understand. Chapter 278 disbanded when a fire broke out at their lodge before one of their panty raids in 1921. All of the members died before they got to go out and steal panties. I don’t think someone has revived the tradition, I think the original lodge members have REVIVED and are now stealing panties!
Tamara, that is ridiculous! How can you be serious? Yes, Chief Meteorologist Bill Farrar, do you something to add?
Well, Ariel, I just wanted to add that tonight is a rare event. We have a blue moon and we do have several solar flares. In addition, we have some unusually warm weather coming from west which as you well know, is the location of several sacred Native American sites. If the dead were to rise and steal panties, the weather is certainly right for it.
Thank you Bill for your insight. So Tamara, do you think the weather somehow summoned the dead of the Prairie Lodge to go on a panty raid?
Yes, Ariel, I do.
If that is true. what can the local police do to stop it?
Ariel, I don’t think they can. Traditionally the panty raid won’t end until midnight. At that point they return to the lodge and get drunk. Since the Lodge burned down and was replaced with a strip mall, I suspect the zombies will turn to their graves. I think the most we can hope for is to stay inside and wait it out. Either that or leave our panties hanging from our door knobs and fence posts.
Thank you, Tamara. You heard it here first on Action News Six; citizens should leave their panties outside for the zombies to get. Bill, you have something?
I just wanted to say that people could also just take their panties off and have them ready to hand over to the zombies. That way no one has to be held down and stripped.
Thank you, Bill. Our Chief Meteorologist recommends that women out on the streets tonight have their panties on hand ready to hand over to the zombie panty raiders.
Now I would like to return to Elizabeth Hoyle who has an update for us. Elizabeth?
Ariel! I got attacked by the zombies! We moved down to Arthur Lane and the zombies attacked! The fuckers held me down and ripped my pants right off of me! Their cold dead hands groped my ass and pinched my thighs! They stole my panties and one of the fuckers stole my shoes! Those heels cost me eighty fucking dollars!
Elizabeth! Remember that we’re live!
Well those BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP sucking BLEEP aren’t alive! They are BLEEP zombies and they are falling apart! I tore an arm off of one of them and another left behind some ribs! These are not people dressed as zombies, these are BLEEP BLEEP zombies!
Thank you Elizabeth for that report. I think you should definitely take a moment to compose yourself.
BLEEP you, Ariel!
For those of you just joining us, zombies, or people dressed as zombies, are on a panty raid targeting adult women of consenting age. They were just recently spotted on Arthur Lane. Residents are advised to take off their underwear and to hand it over to the raiders in order to avoid having them taken off by force.
We need to cut to a commercial break but when we return, we shall speak with Rebekah Hillard who claims that not only did she have her panties stolen but one of them stole her bra as well. Keep it here on Action News Six for all the latest on this ongoing story.
“Unfortunately the news team never came back on the air. Government agencies moved in and shut them down. I hear that Ariel Miller is currently working as the morning DJ at Guantanamo Bay.”
“Necromantic Panty Raids fall under the jurisdiction of the White House according to the Patriot Act. Look it up!”
“That’s right, Burny. Of course, even knowing this has now made you a criminal subject to several hideous civil-rights-destroying laws. Oopsie! I hope you have a good lawyer, or failing that, a sympathetic demon temptress.
“I tried to tell you not to read the story but no one ever listens to a skull on a stick.”
“That is so true, Burny. Join us next week mortals if you are not sitting in a political prison somewhere. I’ll catch your souls, later.”