Tucked away on page six hundred and sixty-nine of the Affordable Health Care act is a provision for the creation of Sexicare. This new service understands that a happy sex life in an integral part of a person’s well being. At the moment, Sexicare only provides sexual happiness for seniors over the age of sixty-five but there are plans to extend it to single parents, the recently divorced and college students.
Sexicare provides a regular safe sexual encounter for its participants. Once a week, a sexual encounter will be provided by trained government employees. A Sexicare Adviser will take into account the participant’s tastes, sexual orientation, fetishes, secret shames and current pornographic consumption to assign a Sexicare professional who meets those needs.
And who are these Sexicare Professionals? They will be hired from a wide range of people as part of the government stimulus package to hire the unemployed. These will include college students who will work with Sexicare instead of incurring burdensome student loans. They will include out of work sex professionals who lost their clients in the recent recession. They will include those who just like to help people enjoy their sexuality. As part of an experimental program, they will include people new to the sex industry who wish to get some training before entering the professional world.
Sexicare is a new program and there will be challenges as the system is implemented. The paperwork alone is going to be quite tricky to work out. Doctors will be needed to conduct regular sexual health checks and auditors will be needed to make sure that some people do not try to defraud the system.
Republicans have already vowed to destroy Sexicare if elected. The will replace it with a program where recipients will get a coupon that they will need to redeem at a sex resort located in the Cayman Islands.
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