Good morning, you’re listing to the Von Madd Datalink Network, the number one source of information for all Von Madd Laboratories employees. I’m Ed Jackson and here is your morning briefing.
Women working on the 3rd level should be advised that their breast sizes may increase as much as three cup sizes today. Mammary Metamorphosis Specialists have been alerted and an investigation is under way. At this time we do not know if the changes are permanent. Updates and larger bras will be provided on an hourly basis.
Dr. Belinda Munsi has made a breakthrough in the studies of Perpetual Vibrator Motion. The young scientist is currently testing her theories with the help of the men and women of the janitorial staff. Dr. Munsi predicts that we could all have a vibrator that requires no outside power source within our lifetime!
Preliminary testing of the Clothing Eradicator will begin today on the 7th level today. All employees on that level are asked to wear no clothing as it may interfere with the testing beams.
It has been one hundred days since a sentient sextoy rebellion! Congratulations to everyone. All Von Madd Laboratory employees will receive a credit good for one session of oral sex from one of our interns. Interns, today is your chance to shine!
In related news, the rogue Artificial Intelligence Sexbot, Kimmie, is still on the loose. Employees are to be advised that she is considered non-dangerous as long as you agree to let her give you a handjob. Refusing her is not advised as she gets very upset and will attempt to manipulate your genitals by reaching down your throat. If spotted, allow her to give you a handjob and then please inform Security.
This has been your morning briefing. Next up is an hour of island instrumental music designed to promote creative thinking and higher libidos. Join us in two hours for an interview with Dr. Harry Jennings to talk about his work in the field of Therapeutic Paddling.
I’m Ed Jackson and you”re listening to the Von Madd Datalink Network.