Ladies, gentlemen and subscription podcast listeners, this is Professor Rios reporting from the frozen shores of Antarctica! After a perilous journey, Captain Cleaver has finally brought the Dirty Secret to this isolated continent.
I had planned to conduct this podcast with the team’s sex blogger, Velvet-Thighs, but she has undergone another identity crisis. She has forsaken her lesbian lover, Dr. Vette, and has recently been enjoying a romantic tryst with our expedition leader, Ian Xavier. She has changed her blogger name to Journey of the Heart, which quite frankly sounds like a bad 70’s concept album. She insists that I am unqualified to properly chronicle the exploits of our expedition leader and will be maintaining her own account. Personally, I think blowing his cock should be enough of an ego boost for Mr. Xavier without having his own personal recorder.
Anyway, landing at Antarctica was not without its own perils. Another expedition had taken our chosen landing spot. How rude! Professor Heinsor is trying to prove some nonsense regarding climate change and penguin migration. I politely communicated to him that he needed to move his expedition several miles away from us so we could get started in peace and quiet without all this penguin shit everywhere. Professor Heinsor declined my request which I would like to be entered into the record of the tribulations that I have to face in my quest for science.
Negotiations deteriorated when a member of Professor Heinsor’s team made an off color comment to one of our dominatrixes. Mistress Natasha Volkov was deeply offended when a crude scientist asked her if she would care to warm up the ice with her glorious ass. The resulting slap of his face was entirely expected but when she stripped him down to his underwear and forcefully violated his ass with a penguin.
Well, things just got violent after that. Our other explorer, Ulysses Cameron, shoved someone’s face in some penguin shit. Dr. Vette cut off a man’s nose with a jagged piece of ice. Dr. Nagi, that delicate flower of womanhood, tore a man’s ear off but to be fair, I suspect his ear was already fragile with frostbite. I myself may have kicked Professor Heinsor in the head a few times. Once a fight breaks out, it is hard not to get into the spirit of things.
After a good day and a half of fighting, Professor Heinsor decided to move his team to a better location. My team suffered next to no casualties except for poor Professor Banwitz. Apparently our other dominatrix, Mistress Wanda Violence, mistook him for a member of the other side and did something traumatizing to his crotch area. Hopefully he can just walk it off and be ready for our land journey which begins tomorrow.
As a disagreement between scientific parties, this may not be our proudest moment as an expedition, but as a team bonding experience it couldn’t be beaten. I saw the normally brusque Mistress Volkov actually let Cameron touch her ass after a few beers. Dr. Vette provided some comforting of a sexual nature to Professor Banwitz which is odd because I was 99% sure she was a lesbian. Dr. Nagi even let me pick some penguin shit out of her lovely hair.
I have high hopes that after such a successful first day in Antarctica, that the rest of our journey will just as enlightening.