Ladies, gentlemen and subscription podcast listeners. I am broadcasting from somewhere off the coast of South America. The voyage is going well and Captain Cleaver assures me that the Dirty Secret will reach Antarctica in a few weeks as long as we don’t have any more attacks.
I was hoping to conduct this podcast with our sex blogger, Naked-Heart, but she refuses to have anything to do with what she calls, “Patriarchal Studies.” Naked-Heart has also changed her blogger name to Velvet-Thighs. She is still a part of the expedition but she insists that she is keeping her own records that are “free of the taint of testicle bias.”
Personally, I blame Velvet-Thighs’ behavior on Dr. Vette. The young blogger has been spending all of her time with the cat biologist. The screams of pleasure I hear coming from their cabin when I put my ear to the door has led me to conclude that they are having a Sapphic tryst.
Anyway, the voyage has not been without the usual hiccups. We were briefly interrupted last week when Mexican Sex Robots tried to hijack our ship. Not many people know this, but Mexico created far too many beautiful sexy female robots back in the 70’s in order to create the commercially successful Donkey Shows of that period. You don’t think real women were having sex with donkeys, do you? No, they were all sex robots.
With the collapse of the Donkey Show tourist bubble in 1983, most of the Mexican Sex Robots went rogue. Some started strip clubs posing as vampires but quite a few became pirates. We were attacked by such a band of sexy robot pirates last week. The screaming Hispanic beauties with giant tits and high stress bodies were pretty fearsome but out own crew of reformed Somalian pirates beat them off quite easily.
We didn’t have any casualties except that Professor Banwitz was critically injured. He tried to get some measurements from the anal cavity of what we thought was a defunct sex robot but alas, the robot’s sphincter was still active and it crushed his hand. Professor Banwitz was screaming that we take him to a hospital but we wisely refused his requests. The voyage must go on!
In other news, Mr. Xavier has been training us all in the art of Antarctic explorations. He has turned the Water Sports room of the Dirty Secret into a pseudo Antarctic environment but turning the air conditioner all the way down. He insists that we train butt-naked in the chilly 50 degree room to prepare ourselves for the cold.
Some of the other expedition members think this is bullshit but personally I think that there is some merit to his methods. For example, I have discovered that Dr. Nagi has the loveliest looking pussy hairs that I have ever seen.
That is all the time I have for now. It is my turn to be on lookout duty for any more Mexican Sex Robot pirates.