My latest blood tests show that my tumor markers are 0.7. That means I am technically cancer free.
It feels weird that in the span of four months I had a giant nad that was cancerous and now I have a clean bill of health. It feels like my life is a short TV season and the plot for this season has been resolved. Well, I will be doing cancer tests for the rest of my life but the main worry is gone. It just feels weird.
You know, chemo is no joke. It was easily the worse I have ever felt and I only did two rounds. If someone in your life is going through chemo, be fucking nice to them. Chemo patients are my new heroes.
I really need to cook more. During the worse of my chemo the most I could eat was cheese toast. That was it. After my chemo I find myself craving everything I don’t know how to make. I have flirted with cooking a lot but usually I get distracted by writing and I let my skills slide. Not this time. Maybe it is a matter of not appreciating something until you can’t have it, but now I want to learn to cook everything. Food is a crucial part of joy to me and I want to be very happy with what life I have left.
Mostly though I am emotionally exhausted. Cancer is too big of a topic to digest in four months. I feel angry that I had cancer in the first place and relieved that it was one of the most curable types. I am angry that it hijacked my life and happy that it is over. I am proud of myself for surviving it and not losing my mind, and ashamed that I got upset over something that is over already. I need more time to process it all.
Luckily, I have that time.