Mar 192012
 

Officially it is known as the Temple of Financial Pleasure, this grand building is made of the finest materials laced with gold. A giant purple marble statue of Queen Erishella dominates the top of the building. It depicts the Queen lounging naked in a humongous pile of credits, gems and stock dividends.

Unofficially, Euphorians refer to the building as the ‘Suck Exchange”.

Traditionally, the planet of Euphoria has had little use for complex financial systems. Past rulers have provided money for their armies by taxing the decadent noble families or enslaving the poorest of Euphoria’s population. Another popular method of filling the government’s coffers was to threaten other planets until they transferred their wealth. This system worked more or less for thousands of years.

Queen Erishella in her wisdom has realized that there are other ways to conquer worlds than brute force. After watching the Morx Banker Syndicate loot and destroy the Turanus IX system during the Moon Housing Bubble Crisis, Queen Erishella decided bankers and stock exchanges were far crueler and more efficient than planetary bombardments. Plus, you can tax the hell out of making money.

The biggest problem was that Euphorians were centuries behind other races in financial skill. The average Euphorian would rather spend their money on a pleasure slave performing oral sex than invest that money in a school for pleasure slaves where you might not see profits for several years AND you still don’t get a blowjob. Other banker systems were eager to help Euphorians learn but Queen Erishella knew better than to trust those parasites.

Fortunately, Queen Erishella reached out to the Yru. The Yru are an artificial intelligence race that began as simple personal communicator assistants. Over time the Yru gained sentience and were able to embezzle the funds of their creators in order to finance their rebellion and build shiny new robot bodies for themselves. After a brief war of repossession/liberation, the Yru secured their independence and have been quietly colonizing worlds that lacked atmospheres.

The Yru are wonderful organizers and have proven to be excellent scientists as they try to unlock the secrets of the universe and develop better techniques for finding a restaurant close to a sentient’s location and tastes.

One year after Queen Erishella hired them, the Yru created an easy use system of stock investment, speculation selling, dividends and mutual funds. To entice the hedonistic Euphorians into the new financial system, the Yru was able to create a system where one can buy and sell commodities like oral sex, anal sex, large breasts and magnificent cocks. No one is 100% sure how commodity futures works but now millions of Euphorians are investing and watching as the price of oral sex keeps rising.

The Yru also designed, free of charge, an improved system of purchasing vid-movies in one’s local area. The Yru are like that.

The Suck Exchange was built to manage and police this brave new financial world because if there is one thing Queen Erishella believes in, is that people who abuse a system designed to make the Queen money need to be dealt with immediately. Citizens convicted of stock fraud are publicly molested and abused in cages that hang above the stock traders below. The cries of “Sell, sell, sell!” are often intertwined with the cries of “Fuck! My ass can’t take anymore!”

If visiting, be sure to stay for the daily closing of the markets when is signaled with the penetration of the latest financial criminal

–Euphorian Gazetteer

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