Dear Dr. Victor Mundac, Theoretical Sciences Chair of St. Nadius University,
I noticed that you published a paper recently in regards to my work on Multiversal Vibrator String Theory. I was excited to see such a renown intellect discussing my work. My excitement turned to disappointment as I saw that you did not believe my attempts to reach other universes by calibrating a sexual aid to the right synchronicity frequency was feasible. That was fine with me as science is all about disagreement and discussion but I was further disappointed by the personal attacks you made on my reputation. Specifically, I am referring to your quote on page five which I am repeating here.
“Dr. Otto Von Madd has obviously spent too much time penetrating himself God knows where and not enough time studying Hyatt’s Theory of Parallel Universes are Nonsense.”
I was disappointed but not offended by this comment. Personal attacks on fellow scientists is as old as Newton and Leibniz so I did not take this comment personal. What I do object to was your comment on my employees who helped pen this paper. I am referring of course to this quote on page 8.
“The fact that seven other scientists signed this paper is proof that there is too much bacchanal orgies at Von Madd Laboratories and not enough basic science.”
How dare you, sir! The orgies at Von Madd Laboratories are a prime lubricant in the the theoretical process. Why, Dr. Wi perfected the singularity theory in the paper while being quadruple penetrated! I challenge you to come up with a recombinant theory unless you were being fucked at four orifices. It expands one’s mind and concept of limitations.
It is on behalf of my fellow scientists that I have to decided to have my revenge on you, sir. I could write a paper with scathing refrences to your ability to think but I am too busy doing actual science. I shall instead demonstrate to you the power of a mind trained in the sexual sciences.
Please refer to Attachment A. That is a picture taken from my glasses while in the act of coutis with your wife. That expression that you may not recognize is her experiencing an orgasm. For future reference, this sexual act was committed on your couch and was quite enjoyable for all parties involved. I really appreciate the cookies she sent me the following day.
Now refer to Attachment B. This is a picture of me eating one of the cookies that your wife sent me the day after we had mutually pleasurable sex.
You should now refer to Attachment C. This is a picture taken from my glasses of your mistress with my cock in her mouth. It is my understanding that she had convinced you that she did not participate in such an act. The fact is, she just does not wish to commit the act with you. Please also note that after three hours of vigorous fucking, she has agreed that she is wasting her youth fucking an unimaginative simpleton such as yourself. I expect her to run off with a man closer to her age any time now.
Refer to Attachment D. Yes, that is your daughter in her college dorm room. Yes, that is my cock buried in her ass.
Please listen to the mp3 file listed as Attachment E. I will confirm that it is an audio recording of your daughter calling me “Daddy” and asking me to quote, “Bust a nut in her ass.”
Now if it was simply my honor you had besmirched, I would stop here. Unfortunately for you, you insulted my employees who I have come to consider as my friends and sometimes sexual partners. On their behalf, I inflicted the last act of revenge.
Open Attachment F. The black and white photo of a woman fingering her vagina is in fact a picture of your maternal grandmother when she was twenty-one. I have forty such photos and the others are far more graphic than this one.
How do I have dirty pictures of your maternal grandmother? It is a funny story. When Dr. Wi was trying to contact another universe through her anal vibrator, she discovered that she could send vibrations back through time. We used this discovery to contact my great-uncle, Udo Von Madd who as well as being a renown pioneer in the science of clock making, was also quite the ladies’ man. When I explained how the honor of my employees had been besmirched, Udo was happy to help us out.
If you doubt me, go ask your grandmother about a certain bearded gentlemen and his clockwork precision. You will notice a blush in her cheeks and a glimmer of bliss in her eye.
I hope this rebuttal fills you with shame, rage and inadequacy. I hope it also teaches you a lesson in dismissing the hard work of erotic scientists. Lastly, I hope this letter makes you choke and die.
Dr. Otto Von Madd